LaraCroft

Polytunnels are awesome ! Fresh veg in January snow !

They need to make post bashing sleeves for short people - I can't reach that high !

When you live so far from civilisation that they don't deliver anything, and all you want is a kebab. Sigh .

Treated the dogs to a little paddling pool. Unfortunately none of them have the courage to ask the chickens to get out of it yet.

Freedom, oh freedom, that's just some people talking. Your prison is wandering through this world all alone

Just because someone is stupid enough to lie to you - doesn't mean you have to be stupid enough to believe them !

Before a shower, I check behind the shower curtain for murderers. I don't know why - it's not like I have a plan !

It is not so much the journey that is important, as the way we treat those we encounter, and those that are around us, along the way.

If my boss ever finds out I don't actually have Tourettes, then I am in big trouble.

If it really didn't matter, you wouldn't be spending so much time thinking about it

TEIAM - problem sorted.

Meeting up with an old hunting friend for coffee and some horse chat, £2.90. Watching the face of the woman on the next table, who was listening in to us discussing how to cope with hairy numnahs, and whether we wash our bits in the dishwasher - priceless !

Duvet on - too hot. Duvet off - too cold. One leg out, perfect !!

" I would like my alarm clock to be louder, and give me more of a heart attack each morning"... said no one in the history of the world. Ever.

If you think women are the weaker sex, just remember the last time you tried to pull the duvet over to your side of the bed !

2 dyslexics run into bank, wave a gun around and shout " air in the hands mother stickers - this is a fcuk up ! "

Smile - it makes people wonder what you are up to ! :-)

Of all the utensils we have invented for eating rice - 2 sticks win ? FFS use a spoon and get over yourselves.

If my boss tells me once more that I need to "chillax" I may have to "chillstab" her. Annoying cow.

A whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke

It doesn't matter if you think the glass is half full, or half empty - it is clearly time to get the next round in !

SCAM ! I hate people sending bogus warnings but this is real and important. If someone comes to your door saying they are checking for ticks now the snow is gone, and you need to twirl around in the garden with your clothes off, DON"T believe them - it's a scam - they just want to see you naked. I wish I had seen this yesterday. God I feel so stupid :-(

If you can read this... then thank a teacher. And seeing as it is in English, thank a soldier.

Anyone got a toothpick ? There is a Smartcar in the grill of my Navarra and the screams are making it hard to hear the radio

The police have released the report into the shooting at the tube station of John Charles de Menezes. They admit they got the wrong guy. They were not after John Charles, they were after his rascally younger brother Dennis.