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Funny Joke Thread

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What's got 7 eyes and Cana see ? 3 blind mice and half s sheeps heed ? f****n Magic joke 😂😂😂😂

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Went for a medical today & the nurse told me ive got to stop Masturbating !! When i asked her why she said coz im trying to examine you !!!

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Gay bloke goes to the doctors..............say's to the doc..........."i think iv'e got AIDS" Doc say's" drop your pants and bend over" he spreads the blokes cheeks and has a look "its Aids alright" the gay blokes devastated...........

 

The doc says " you can try this, go out every night for the next two weeks and drink 10 pints of Guiness, and have a curry for supper"

 

The gay bloke cheers up a bit " will that cure it doctor?"

 

The doc looks at him "no son, it wont cure it, but it will show you what your arse is for"

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Bill & ben flowerpot men. Bill says to Ben flobber lobber glibber libblelot & ben said if you really loved me youd have seallowed that!!

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WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS...

Dear John,

I hope you can help me?

The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then broke down about a mile down the road. I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the Neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I need advice urgently.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold. It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty. I hope this helps...

John..:)

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Guy goes to the doctor and ask him to look at his cock , the doc says pull down you pants the doctor takes a hold with his two hands as its large and says to the guy I don't see nothing wrong with it , the guy says I no its a beauty isn't it 😂😂

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A young boy is walking down an old country lane when he comes across a couple just about to have sex

the young boy asked the man what are you doing

the man replies i am voting

the boy asked do you think you will get you'r man in

OH YES replies the man

There is a big crack in the opposition.

 

 

A young man walks into the living room while his mother and father are watching TV

he stand behind the the couch with a big smile on his face

after about an hour his mother goes out to the kitchen and his father asked

what are you looking so pleased with yourself about?

and he replies i had sex for the first time tonight

that's great says his father sit down and tell me all about it

i cant he replies my ass is still sore.

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2 gay males go to Blackpool for a saucy weekend. Their first night was spent shagging the arses off each other. Upon waking in the morning one of them turns round and says to the other "I am going the shop for a pack of smokes and the paper", then he says on the way out whilst shutting the door "no playing with yourself whilst I am out at the shop because when I get back I am going to start where it finished last night".

So Off he goes to the shop and on his return opens the door and a bit of man fat drips on his head from above, he says "I told you not to be playing with yourself! There is man fat dripping off the ceiling onto my head". His boyfriend turns around and says "I swear to god I haven't played with myself at all". I farted!

Edited by flipbull

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This ones got to be told in a Yorkshire accent.

 

There's 3 bachelor farmers, brothers called Tom, Dick and Harry.

All big raw men from the moors.

One day Tom and Harry decide to go into Leeds to see if they can find a couple of women.

They get chatting to 2 women in a bar when one of the women says to Harry "Oh look, haven't you lads got very big hands."

Harry replies "Ay up luv, ya think are ands are big, you should see the size of are Dicks."

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This ones got to be told in a Yorkshire accent.

 

There's 3 bachelor farmers, brothers called Tom, Dick and Harry.

All big raw men from the moors.

One day Tom and Harry decide to go into Leeds to see if they can find a couple of women.

They get chatting to 2 women in a bar when one of the women says to Harry "Oh look, haven't you lads got very big hands."

Harry replies "Ay up luv, ya think are ands are big, you should see the size of are Dicks."

I said to a lass is a bar once," I was gony tell ye a joke about my willy but it's too long!" She replied " that's funny coz I was gony tell you a joke about my pussy but you'll never get it" 🙄🔫

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A teacher in primary school says to the class, "today boys and girls we're going to

see how many different breeds of dogs you can name, who would like to go first"?

 

Sarah puts her hand up and says "collie, miss", "yes Sarah that's a popular breed of dog, well done." replies the teacher.

 

Bobby goes next and says, "a pug, miss" "another good one, well done Bobby." says the teacher.

 

Jenny pipes up, "how about a greyhound, miss"? "good one Jenny, they're used for racing," said the teacher.

 

The teacher goes through the class and the kids answer in turn, Terrier, Doberman, whippet, Boxer, Husky and one kid even said mongrel.

 

Finally the teacher got to the last boy in the class, little Johnny, "well Johnny have you thought of a breed of dog"? asked the teacher. "Yes miss", answered Johnny, "a coconut dog miss".

 

The teacher looked at him then said, "no Johnny, I don't think that's a breed of dog, I've never heard of one before," "it is miss," answered Johnny. "I saw one this morning on the way to school with my dad, there was two dogs outside the Bakers shop and one jumped up on top of the other and my dad said look at the cock on that dog".

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A class of kids are getting sewing lessons at primary school and

Billy accidently sticks the needle into his finger so the teacher

cleans the blood before asking Billy if he'd like a plaster for it.

 

Billy says "no miss but could I have a cider"?

 

The teacher looks confused and asks "why do you want a cider Billy"?

 

"Well" said Billy, "I was walking past my older sisters room last night

and I heard her saying to her friend that every time she has a prick in

her hand she puts it inside her".

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what did the dwarf get when he walked between a naked womens legs?.................

 

 

 

 

.

A clit on the ear and a two flaps across the face.

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