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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I

am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the

woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he

added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my

Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for

years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying

fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become

fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

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Parked the motor in a disabled parking bay the other day.

 

Traffic warden shouted "Oi what's your disability" ?

 

I said "Tourettes so f.uck off ya c.unt"

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Two rabbits escape from a research laboratory and find themselves in a field full of carrots, The rabbits cannot believe their luck and they begin eating until they fall asleep.

 

The next day the young rabbit says to the old rabbit " I think it's time to head back to the lab".

 

The old rabbit suggests they see whats in the next field, They find an entire field of cabbages and begin eating.

 

The next day the young rabbit asks to go back to the lab, The old rabbit suggests seeing what is in the other field and once they crawl under the fence they find an entire field full of female rabbits.

 

After an entire day of fxxxxxg everything in sight the next day the old rabbit turns to the young rabbit and says " I think its time to head back to the lab"

 

The young rabbit asks "Why the hell would you want to go back to the lab we have two fields full of vegetables and the other is filled with female rabbits what more could you want?!"

 

The older rabbit replies,

"I'm dying for a f***ing fag."

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A young bull and an old bull are up on hill, down below in the meadow there is a field full of cows, the young bull says to the old bull, c'mon we'll run doon there an shag a couple o cows, the old bull ,said ,no no son we'll just walk doon an shag them all......

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A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

 

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

 

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

 

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

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a homosexual from Khartoum

took a lesbian up to his room

they argued all night as to who had the right

to do what and with what and to whom

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a bloke sees an advert in his local petshop ,talking centipede 500 so he buys it and takes it home in a small box.after about 30 mins he opens the box and says would you like to go for a pint.the centipede doesnt answer.raising his voice he repeats the question.still no reply.getting angry,thinking hes been done he shouts the question loudly.at which the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says i heard you the 1st time,im putting my fxxxxxg shoes on

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One day a cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came floating past....the cat reached out with his paw and got the chipalata and only got two toes wet. The cat was happy!

The next day the cat was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came floating past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and got it but got a wet foot for it's troubles.

The next day the cat was still hungry when a massive frankfurter came floating down..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy.

The moral or the story?............

 

 

 

 

the bigger the sausage....the wetter the pussy!

 

 

 

 

 

Ron the rooster was the meanest toughest rooster - ever. He would bully or fight all the farmyard animals, until one day the farm cat picked a fight and hammered the shit out of Ron!

The moral of this story?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No matter how big and hard the cock is, a pussy will always take it!!

 

 

 

 

A rooster and a cat are walking over water on a bridge. The cat

slips and falls down into the water. The rooster starts laughing

hysterically.

What's the moral of this story?

 

 

 

Wherever there is a wet pussy there is a happy cock

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snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you,d like it , driving in the snow is like eating pussy, if you dont slow down & pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you ! be careful this winter !

....................................................................................................

 

while cooking today i got some herbs in my eye...

i,m now parsley sighted !..

...............................................................................................

 

paddy told the wife he was getting a burning sensation in his anus and didn,t know what it was, she said ring sting, paddy said how the f.ck will he know ?

...................................................................................................

 

just home from the world blind fold masturbation championships

ive no idea where i came....

................................................................................................

 

saw a film about beavers last night, best dam

film ive ever seen.

........................................................................................

 

i saw a beautiful woman by the lake the other day

there was a spark between us and she fell at my feet

as we lay there making love, i thought to myself........these

fecking tazers are well worth the money....

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I walked into the bedroom

my wife was asleep with a

pen in her pussy and a completed

crossword in her hand ,

I thought what a clever c.nt !!!

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Teacher to her class; If you have got 10 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one , how many have you got left ?

 

Tommy shoots his arm up in the air, miss, miss you would have none because as soon as you shoot the gun they would all fly away.

 

Teacher; No Tommy the answer is 9, but I like the way you think.

 

Tommy calls out to his teacher Miss I have got a question for you. Go on then Tommy says the teacher, fire away.

 

Tommy; Miss if you have got 3 birds (women) sat on a bench all eating a ice cream and one is gently and slowly licking at the sides, one is gobbling it down from the top, and one is just nibbling the top off, which one is married.

 

The Teacher blushes and says the one gobbling it down from the top.

 

Tommy ; NO Miss the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you think.

 

 

 

 

 

Why did Victoria Beckham give David a skin head.?

 

Someone told her that she would have better sex if she shaved her twat.

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At primary school Tommy and Mary sit next to each other at the back of the classroom,every now and then Tommy slips his hand up Mary's skirt.

Mary complains so the teacher has a word with Tommy,but he continues to do it.The teacher asks Tommy's parents up to the school and explains the situation to them.Tommy's parents assure the teacher that they will put a stop to it.

When they get home tommy is asked what he has been doing to Mary at school"I've been trying to touch her front bum"Tommy

explains innocently.

"I wouldn't do that"said Tommy's parents"It's got teeth,It will bite your fingers off".

Well,that done the trick'Tommy never bothered Mary again.Tommy sailed through high school and university and started training as a dentist,a few years later he had his own practise.

One day a new patient came in for a check up,to Tommys surprise it was Mary.They got chatting and met up later on a date.

Things went from strength to strength,Tommy and Mary ended up getting married.

On their honeymoon night Mary was lying on top of the bed waiting for Tommy to come out of the bathroom.Tommy however was a little hesitant.

Eventually Tommy comes out and lies on the bed next to Mary,after some encouragement from Mary Tommy starts to play with her tits.

Mary moans "go down on me,play with my pussy" "NO WAY"shouts Tommy"you've got teeth down there"

"don't be rediculas" says Mary"have a look if you don't believe me"

Tommy,whos still not sure plucks up the courage to have a look.

"well"Mary says"are you happy now".

"F**k sake"says Tommy "no wonder you've no teeth down here,have you seen the state of these fxxxxxg gums".

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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the ...girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

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Breaking news

 

A team of Irish scientists and archaeologists have recently discovered a headstone in Cork of a man believed to be the oldest human to have ever lived at 193,few details are available at the moment but we can confirm he was known as 'Miles from Dublin'.

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Krawnden Socks & Fluff are away on there hols when the plane crashes into the jungle they are the only survivors & get captured by local cannibals & taken to there village. They all get thrown into a big pot when Fluff bursts out crying & begging for mercy. The chief tells them that he is very partial to eating cock & if they can fill the bread roll his wife bakes they can go free. The wife brings out a 21" loaf. Krawnden gets his nob out 11" Socks gets his nob out 9" then Fluff gets his out 1". True to his word the chief sets them free & as they trek through the jungle Krawnden says thank god i had 11" Socks says thank god i had 9" & Fluff says thank god i had a Hard on !!!

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