Haven't read all of this ,but in my own humble opinion dogs don't just all of a sudden jack , the signs have been there ,maybe you haven't seen them or maybe your in denial ,but they where there .
String the onions up ,cover the spuds with straw and a bit of soil in a wooden box . If for whatever reason you find yourself shitting on them ,dispose of them safely and immediately.
A mate of mine from out of town ,had an appointment for his youngster at the Alder hey children's hospital ,he phoned me for directions and took some convincing that I wasn't fuking about when I told him to follow the signs for Knotty ash .
That ship has sailed mate ,there is an act going through parliament now that will recognise some animals as sentient beings legally ....semantics not withstanding I would approve of a more draconian approach to dog theft .