stumfelter 3,032 Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 She hates it when i call her that jokes.......... Got a card this morning from Moonpig..... she hates it when i call her that Whet to see an old house with period features............ You'd be better off posting on the weed thread, hopefully the stoners will be able to understand this. 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bosun11 537 Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 A black guy goes to the doctors with a frog on his head. The doctor says 'Can i help you'? The frog says 'Yer, get this blackhead off my arse'..! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bosun11 537 Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 Big silverback gorilla escapes from the local zoo. It runs riot through a few streets till it finally climbs and hides up a big tree in a blokes front garden. The bloke shits himself and phones the zoo for help. The zoo tells them they have dispached an expert in this field, a Ranger and he will sort it out... Suddenly a truck screeches round the corner, slams on and a dirty big, mean lookin Ranger jumps out with a gun, a pitbull and a big net. He hands the bloke the gun, tells the pitbull to 'sit' and proceeds to set the net under the tree... "What are you gonna do?" the bloke asks. The Ranger turns to the bloke and says, "I'm gonna set this net around the tree, with a hair trigger to encase anything that falls into it. Then, i'm gonna climb that tree and shake that gorilla out of the tree and into that net. When it hits that net, that pitbull is fully trained to rush in and grab that gorilla by its bollocks and hold on, tight. That pitbull has the take-off speed of a whippet, the strength of two dogs twice the size and bite power of 3000lbs per square inch of mouth. It will hold that gorilla by its nuts, in such agony, that it will be possible to do anything with it. You dont have to worry Sir, that dog is one serious animal"! "But whats the gun for"? Says the bloke. The Ranger looks him dead in the eyes and says, "If i fall first, shoot the dog"..!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
forest of dean redneck 11,190 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 Can't like it bosun,but that's a cracker lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nans pat 2,575 Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 an ould tatty looking lion is lying in the zoo licking its balls enjoying the sun. a visitor walks by and sees the sign beware dangerous animal and says to the keeper he doesnt look to dangerous lying there. the keeper says oh fxck hes a danger alright,only this morning he mauled a pakistani ate the head clean of him. yer man says whys he laid there then licking hes balls. the keeper says hes trying to get the bad taste outta his mouth. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
fox digger 1,086 Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 How do you confuse a Kerry man??? Show him 3 shovels and tell him take his pick!!!! 2 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
peterhunter86 8,627 Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 How do you confuse a Kerry man??? Show him 3 shovels and tell him take his pick!!!! Thats an old one Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest foxpack Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 My next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest foxpack Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 What do you call the first Afghan off the boat? Amhere What do you call the second Afghan off the boat? Amhere Azwel What do you call the third Afghan off the boat? Amhere Azwell Azhim:) 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nans pat 2,575 Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 my granny had a wee budgie called joey great wee talker he was. she was going out to the shops one day and said to joey..joey the coalman is coming tell him to throw 3 bags of coal and 2 bags of slack in the bunker and the moneys under the clock on the fireplace. door raps joey shouts come in,joey says throw 3 bags of coal and 2 bags of slack in and the moneys under the clock on the fireplace. the coalman works away then goes over and lifts the money,as hes counting it he says fuxk me joey your a great wee talker. aye says joey ime a great wee counter too,,throw them other 2 bags of coal in. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dark-destroyer-85 636 Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Paddy is having sex with his girlfriend & after half an hour she isn't enjoying it and she isn't orgasming. She says it's because she's getting too hot. So paddy takes her to the doctors and the doctor says he can't do anything for her. So Paddy ring up his mate Mick and asks him to come round and do him a favour. Mick comes, Paddy says "Mick, whilst I'm shagging my girlfriend, I want you to waft her with a tea towel." Mick agrees. So Paddy is shagging away and Mick is wafting, still after half an hour, nothing is happening. Mick comes up with an idea. "How about we swap? I'll shag her and you waft her." Paddy agrees. So they start again, Paddy wafting her & Mick shagging her. After 2 minutes She has the most amazing orgasm ever, and at that moment Paddy shouts, "Now that my friend, is how you waft a tea towel! 8 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dark-destroyer-85 636 Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 House party- there's always one left over in the morning! Lying on the floor behind the sofa, legless, can't stand! Asked where he lived then dragged him up, pulled him down the path to the car, flipping legs all over the place! Chucked him in the car and took him home! Dragged him up to his house and knocked on the door! Brought your son home from the party! His mum replies "did you bring his wheelchair" 7 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dark-destroyer-85 636 Posted July 28, 2016 Report Share Posted July 28, 2016 Two women police dog handlers are on the beat, one says "I'm cold I left my knickers at the station." The other one says "let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them." The dog returned 20 minutes later with her knickers and truncheon two broom handles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dark-destroyer-85 636 Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 Little boy arrives home to find his mum and dad having sex on the sofa. . . Dad says, "Don't worry son I'm just filling mummy with petrol." Son replies, "She doesn't do many miles to the gallon does she dad. . ? uncle Dave only filled her up this morning and he used a bigger nozzle. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dark-destroyer-85 636 Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 First weekend of the Olympics and Romania have taken gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they can get their f****n hands on!! 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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