Upper middle class problems thread

[DIDO.1 20,891]

7 minutes ago, BGD said:

Amateur mistake hiring a Brit, you're supposed to get an illegal in so you can threaten to report them to the Home Office and get them deported if the work isn't up to scratch.

Trust a lefty. Its all talk about love and compassion and workers of the world unite.... really you just want someone to serve your soy milk latte and clean your skid marks off for £1.20 an hour. 

What nationality do you recommend?....I was thinking a little Thai?

[BGD 6,385]

3 minutes ago, DIDO.1 said:

Trust a lefty. Its all talk about love and compassion and workers of the world unite.... really you just want someone to serve your soy milk latte and clean your skid marks off for £1.20 an hour. 

What nationality do you recommend?....I was thinking a little Thai?

£1.20 an hour?! Jesus don't offer them that you'll ruin the whole market.

Vietnamese are my go to, cracking wee gardeners too

[Astanley 11,472]

If you aspire to the upper middle class then one should take it as a given that employing domestic help from the lower classes will result in the mess you describe ,one should only employ staff from accredited agencies that specialise in supplying trained operatives an fait with the wants and needs of genteel folk .

[DIDO.1 20,891]

9 minutes ago, Astanley said:

If you aspire to the upper middle class then one should take it as a given that employing domestic help from the lower classes will result in the mess you describe ,one should only employ staff from accredited agencies that specialise in supplying trained operatives an fait with the wants and needs of genteel folk .

Thank you. A serious answer at last. 

[ditchman 1,525]

do you have a shotgun certificate or FAC...........if so 

1. lock up your valuables
2. be very careful how you get rid of her
3. if you do it badly....she might use your gun ownership against you 

 

get you mrs to dump her on the pretext that she is taking on more duties in the home........give her a finishing "drink"......something like a couple of teabags in an evelope...and do as suggested ....go to a acredited agency......

[Stavross 13,778]

9 hours ago, DIDO.1 said:

Flirting...the big fat cnut sits crying on the couch or smoking and playing with her phone at the back door. Even the Mrs wouldn't buy that. 

You lot are no help.

@Stavross your mother in law want a few extra hours?

I’ve tried pimping her out a few times but she becomes too expensive once my fees are applied 

[mel b 1,131]

9 hours ago, DIDO.1 said:

Flirting...the big fat cnut sits crying on the couch or smoking and playing with her phone at the back door. Even the Mrs wouldn't buy that. 

You lot are no help.

 

Yeah yeah waffle waffle.   Have you knobbed her yet , and was she worth minimum wage ?.

[TOMO 24,880]

How does everyone else deal with wayward domestic servants?

You divorce them mate

[big sid 1,119]

tell your butler to have a word.

[ditchman 1,525]

1 hour ago, mel b said:

Yeah yeah waffle waffle.   Have you knobbed her yet , and was she worth minimum wage ?.

oooh you rude boy..............

[forest of dean redneck 11,190]

First world problems 

[Qbgrey 3,987]

Quite simply: I understand we are friends but if you don’t get your fat fuking arse moving forget it love.

[Wales1234 5,425]

Have a word with the misses that’s about it , we’ve a cleaner and a garden if they f**k about and do the job she’s paid for she’s fairly on them , me I’m a shit arse and just nod and smile

[low plains drifter 9,467]

17 hours ago, DIDO.1 said:

Fckin hell I'm asking for serious advice on managing domestic servants and employing serious staff to assist with my high pressure fast paced lifestyle. All you lot can think about is what extra services you could get. 

She'll have you muffing her out at this rate

[jukel123 6,570]

I am glad you have turned to this forum for advice as you are drawing on a wealth of experience.

I have faced the problem of unsuitable staff who have be "let go" on numerous occasions. Here are some suggestions in no particular order of merit.

1) You could make her pregnant and send her away in shame and disgust. This worked for me for several years, however the onset of DNA testing  renders this method somewhat risky. However, a way round this, would be to instruct your butler to impregnate her instead of yourself. You can always take a secret video of their lovemaking and then blackmail them or sell the video to a suitable porn site specialising in servant porn.

2) Leave enormous skid marks on all the towels, including tea towels. This again works, but comes with the additional  expense of replacing them. I would use them again but Lady Jukel is a very discerning woman.

3) Adopt the expression of a crazed Japanese man whilst simultaneously exposing your penis. Some staff may continue to hoover around you. In this scenario paw her and making moaning noises. Trust me she will leg it pronto. The disadvage of this method is that ,invariably, the old Bill will tootle up your drive. However, a strict "do you know who are talking to?  ....in your best Eton accent will generally reduce them to grovelling wrecks whilst simultaneously doffing their helmets.

Good luck, it is such a tiresome bother dispensing of staff. My heart goes out to you.

Edited September 19, 2023 by jukel123