johnny boy68 11,725 Posted December 2, 2016 Report Share Posted December 2, 2016 Two English men opening a shop on High Street are sitting in the empty shop waiting on a delivery, first Englishman says to his mate "bet you we have some nosey Welsh b*****d asking what we're selling." Sure enough within 5 minutes the door opens and some Welsh guy says "what you selling in here then butt?" Englishman says "we're selling arse holes." Welshman replies "you're doing well then, only 2 left!" 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackbriar 8,568 Posted December 6, 2016 Report Share Posted December 6, 2016 My dad was very competitive.... I remember he once asked me to spell "schadenfreude", and I couldn't do it..... But now, he's dead and I'm not, so I win ! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
forest of dean redneck 11,192 Posted December 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2016 I seen my midget neighbour at the bus stop yesterday,so I stopped and said hop in an I will give you a lift. He yelled at me f**k off you b*****d I thought what an ungrateful wanker as I zipped up my rucksack an stood up. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackbriar 8,568 Posted December 7, 2016 Report Share Posted December 7, 2016 I can only count up to 7 in French..... .......I've got a huit allergy ! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
johnny.w 316 Posted December 12, 2016 Report Share Posted December 12, 2016 A man went to the doctor and said "I'm worried my wife might be going deaf." The doctor said, "There's an easy way to test that. When you get home, ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a bit closer and try again. Keep dong that till she answers and you'll know how hard of hearing she really is." The man went home and as soon as he got in the front door he said, "What's for dinner?" No answer. He moves closer to her and asks again. Still no answer. He keeps trying, getting closer each time until he's standing right next to her. "What's for dinner?" The wife said, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having f***ing PORK CHOPS." 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
max_wood 161 Posted December 13, 2016 Report Share Posted December 13, 2016 Paddy had always dreamed of flying in a plane so his mother scrimps and saves and gets him a ticket. She gives him the ticket and says "sorry son i couldn't afford the in flight meal.but dont worry i will make you some sandwiches up" So Paddy is standing in check in, big old security guard comes over to him and asks -" whats in the box son?" Paddy - " just me lunch me mummy made me" The guard snatches his lunch box and holds it too his ear " hang on lad, is it tickin?" Paddy- "no sir its ham and cheese" 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackbriar 8,568 Posted December 13, 2016 Report Share Posted December 13, 2016 I was arrested yesterday, for making lewd and childish innuendos. The police asked me to come quietly ! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
johnny boy68 11,725 Posted December 14, 2016 Report Share Posted December 14, 2016 This is just a friendly reminder to people about drinking and driving over the festive period. I went out last night and left my car at the pub and took the bus home. I'm very proud of myself this morning as I have never driven a bus before! 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lab 10,979 Posted December 14, 2016 Report Share Posted December 14, 2016 Sad news... the managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trecking across the Antartic. Paramedics said he could have done with another coat 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
neil cooney 10,415 Posted December 19, 2016 Report Share Posted December 19, 2016 Christmas eve, Three lads trying to get into a night club, the door man looks at them and says "I'll let you in if you have something Christmas'y on you." They look at one another. First lad takes out a lighter, lights it ups and tells the bouncer it's a candle. In he goes. Second lad takes out his keys and shakes them and says they're Christmas bells. In he goes. Third lad looks through all his pockets and eventually pulls out a pair of womens knickers. "What's that supposed to be ?" says the bouncer. "They're Carols" he replies. In he goes. 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,398 Posted December 19, 2016 Report Share Posted December 19, 2016 An Irish family has died of hypothermia outside Dublin Odeon Cinema after queuing 3 weeks to see "Closed for the Winter"...I got thrown out of McDonalds this morning.The girl serving me was an absolute stunner and she told me she could make it large for 30p.I replied that she already had, but could she finish me off for a pound.!!35 years together and the wife still gets upset if I use her toothbrush,so if anyone knows another way to get dog shit out of trainers I'm all ears! 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackbriar 8,568 Posted December 20, 2016 Report Share Posted December 20, 2016 Me and the wife made love last night, and it made me feel like a young lad again... ....So you can write your own punchline ! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,398 Posted December 20, 2016 Report Share Posted December 20, 2016 Subject: STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% lN AN EXAM I would have given him 100%. Each answer is grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humour. Q1 In which battle did Napoleon die? Answer his last battle. Q2 Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? Answer at the bottom of the page. Q3 River Ravi flows in which state? Answer liquid Q4 What is the main reason for divorce? Answer marriage Q5 What is the main reason for failure? Answer exams Q6 What can you never eat for breakfast? Answer Lunch & dinner Q7 What looks like half an apple? Answer The other half Q8 If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become? Answer Wet Q9 How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? Answer No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10 How can you lift an elephant with one hand? Answer You will never find an elephant that has one hand. Q11 If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? Answer Very large hands Q12 If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? Answer No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13 How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? Answer Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack. Subject: STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% lN AN EXAM I would have given him 100%. Each answer is grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humour. Q1 In which battle did Napoleon die? Answer his last battle. Q2 Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? Answer at the bottom of the page. Q3 River Ravi flows in which state? Answer liquid Q4 What is the main reason for divorce? Answer marriage Q5 What is the main reason for failure? Answer exams Q6 What can you never eat for breakfast? Answer Lunch & dinner Q7 What looks like half an apple? Answer The other half Q8 If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become? Answer Wet Q9 How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? Answer No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10 How can you lift an elephant with one hand? Answer You will never find an elephant that has one hand. Q11 If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? Answer Very large hands Q12 If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? Answer No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13 How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? Answer Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack. 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackbriar 8,568 Posted December 22, 2016 Report Share Posted December 22, 2016 Santa's been taken ill for Xmas, but Jeremy Corbyn has been nominated to stand in for him. He's the perfect replacement ! He's got a white beard, promises that everyone will get everything they want..... .....And sensible people laugh at you for believing in him ! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mister Gain 1,759 Posted December 23, 2016 Report Share Posted December 23, 2016 A very sad day today. After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of all that training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an excellent vet. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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