Funny Or Bad Situtions .................

[albert64 1,882]

she might be the same one that knocked the f*ck out of mushroom :laugh:

[mushroom 14,105]

she might be the same one that knocked the f*ck out of mushroom :laugh:

ffs Bert, different part of town :laugh:

[BIGLURKS 874]

Can mind when we were younger teenage age drinking round a mates house must of been about 5 of us in this little 3 bedroom flat he shared with he's mum and little brother and sister well the night started as any other did getting pished on 5 crates of tennents and we really could not hold are booze at this age well there was a few girls round and this biggest fatty thing ever well the lads house it was has no issues when f***ing a fatty as we soon found out after this night well it dint take long for him too get this bird into he's and he's little brothers room and starts f***ing her on the bunk bed he shared well long story short he f****d her seven times broke the bunk beds in half and burst her ass in the morning well why me and a friend were sleeping in the living room we hear the big squeal and the fatty run out the house too kind of side walk up the street clenching her ass cheeks while my pal walks in too the living room and says dont no that bitches problem too my answer what did you do too her and he comes out all smug just f****d her up the ass too my repley ow well that's karma for you as he asks me what I mean so I tell him threw the night while you were shagging one of your pals is shagging your mum and another one is f***ing your sister god I miss them nights

[trenchfoot 4,243]

one saturday, after playing rugby and having a few pints before heading off into town. I clocked the new barmaid couldnt take her eyes off me (didn't notice the lab and white stick at the time!). got chatting to her whilst at the bar getting a round in, and it obvious she's up for some sport. The rest of the lads have notice and and bet me that I can't pull her, shag her and come back with proof in half an hour. So we had a sweep for all the change in our pockets which filled a pint glass with a few fivers, tenners and pound coins, about 60, 70 quid. Challenge on! clock starts when she finishes her shift at 8. Off we go in her car to her parents big house around the corner. all the time I'm shagging her i'm watching the clock. Told her earlier that I had to ring my girl friend from the club house (days before mobiles!) so I need to be back for half past 8. shoot my load and as were getting sorted I ask for her knickers, she looks a bit suspicious so I told her that I found it sexy. She gets off on the idea and makes me put them on. All the way back to the club house shes rubbing me up telling me whats about to happen when we get back to hers. I run in the club house, pretend to make a call on the pay phone and run back out and tell her my girlfriend is coming to pick me up, so we will have to catch up another time. 15 seconds to spare I return to the bar and the lads are impressed but want proof. So I drop my strides and reveal her black knickers in all their ball chaffing glory, covered in spunk.Round of applause and I go to collect my winnings from the trophy cabinet. The glass was empty apart from a jonny. the b*****ds had spanked my winnings on more ale!

[perthshire keeper 1,239]

 

 

 

about 2 years ago i was in blackpool on a intensive driveing course you know the "pass in a week" jobbies only i was on it for 3 days so on my first day i went out for a bite to eat..and ended up in the outback bar..you know the one.. gets a meal and a few pints in and gets chatting to this aussie barmaid blond we thing stunning!

things are going well and i drunkenly suggests when her shifts up she comes back to my b&b

 

"yeh cool" she says

 

game on!

so i sneak her in the b&b and she was WELL above my average so knowing a good thing when i see it spent the next hour trying to f**k it to death

then BANG!!! she slapped me right across the face not a playfull slap but a real belt! " what the f**k?!" she says do you like that...erm no i says (still trying to keep my self pumping).....and this was probley like a warning shot for what was about to come!.....all is good from then on..she went like a tramp on chips all night and asked to come round again tomorrow night...yeh no worries i says come round as it was my last night their....

 

well she come over..lifes good, and a night of mental shagging ensued....

next morning she was about to go i was half dressed. i had a shirt and boxers on. she said " can i see you tonight?" "erm not not really ime going home today.." oh she says..." but you will come and see me on the weekends wont you?"...well i was keepering at the time so just said "ime busy as hell with work so i wasnt planning on it, its been a great few days thou"

well that was f*****g it! something happend in her face...it lost all exspression....and ....she .....went f*****g NUTS! grabbed my silver chain pushed me against the door screaming all kinds of abuse and curses all the names under the sun whilst slapping me then she knees me in the side like a f*****g kidney shot so ime now on the floor in my boxers, half the bottons missing on my shirt shouting her to calm the f**k down and weel talk about this....she still had her hand in my chain and then she twisted it round and it kinked...so i grabber her wrists and got her hands under controle....... then she sticks the nut on me, so i dropped back tothe floor thinking now what with my hands over my face.... i pulled my hands away and she is stood their with the kettel you know the ones that are always in b&bs with "tea making facilities"

 

ime thinking shit shit shit shit then POW she hit me with the f*****g thing right round the head. i could see me getting beaten to death by a stunning aussie in a cheap B&B in f*****g blackpool by a kettel

 

so thiers me screaming like a girl with a broken chain...ripped shirt, bloody nose curled up on the floor at the end of the bed waiting for the next clout off the f*****g kettel... then i hears the door close and she had gone.......

never to been seen again..

. i had to answer lots of question off the owners about why their was a "overnight guest" with me when its against the rules

 

and yes i failed my driveing test that day

I have to ask was you in the b&b at the back of the Pleasure Beach??? :laugh: and was the bar Walkabout?? :laugh:

If that's a yes .... Well done you was shagging mushroom while he was in drag

 

You Fuckiing nob head pmsl :laugh:

 

I was asking as I have history with both one of these 3day bollox driving schools in Blackpool (cnut still owes me money for a job) and Walkabout (me and my friend hold a title for drinking the most JD in one night) :laugh:

 

it was walkabout yeh lol the bar and grill the b and b was up the top end of the drag....the hazeldine i believe

[mushroom 14,105]

 

 

 

 

about 2 years ago i was in blackpool on a intensive driveing course you know the "pass in a week" jobbies only i was on it for 3 days so on my first day i went out for a bite to eat..and ended up in the outback bar..you know the one.. gets a meal and a few pints in and gets chatting to this aussie barmaid blond we thing stunning!

things are going well and i drunkenly suggests when her shifts up she comes back to my b&b

 

"yeh cool" she says

 

game on!

so i sneak her in the b&b and she was WELL above my average so knowing a good thing when i see it spent the next hour trying to f**k it to death

then BANG!!! she slapped me right across the face not a playfull slap but a real belt! " what the f**k?!" she says do you like that...erm no i says (still trying to keep my self pumping).....and this was probley like a warning shot for what was about to come!.....all is good from then on..she went like a tramp on chips all night and asked to come round again tomorrow night...yeh no worries i says come round as it was my last night their....

 

well she come over..lifes good, and a night of mental shagging ensued....

next morning she was about to go i was half dressed. i had a shirt and boxers on. she said " can i see you tonight?" "erm not not really ime going home today.." oh she says..." but you will come and see me on the weekends wont you?"...well i was keepering at the time so just said "ime busy as hell with work so i wasnt planning on it, its been a great few days thou"

well that was f*****g it! something happend in her face...it lost all exspression....and ....she .....went f*****g NUTS! grabbed my silver chain pushed me against the door screaming all kinds of abuse and curses all the names under the sun whilst slapping me then she knees me in the side like a f*****g kidney shot so ime now on the floor in my boxers, half the bottons missing on my shirt shouting her to calm the f**k down and weel talk about this....she still had her hand in my chain and then she twisted it round and it kinked...so i grabber her wrists and got her hands under controle....... then she sticks the nut on me, so i dropped back tothe floor thinking now what with my hands over my face.... i pulled my hands away and she is stood their with the kettel you know the ones that are always in b&bs with "tea making facilities"

 

ime thinking shit shit shit shit then POW she hit me with the f*****g thing right round the head. i could see me getting beaten to death by a stunning aussie in a cheap B&B in f*****g blackpool by a kettel

 

so thiers me screaming like a girl with a broken chain...ripped shirt, bloody nose curled up on the floor at the end of the bed waiting for the next clout off the f*****g kettel... then i hears the door close and she had gone.......

never to been seen again..

. i had to answer lots of question off the owners about why their was a "overnight guest" with me when its against the rules

 

and yes i failed my driveing test that day

I have to ask was you in the b&b at the back of the Pleasure Beach??? :laugh: and was the bar Walkabout?? :laugh:

If that's a yes .... Well done you was shagging mushroom while he was in drag

 

You Fuckiing nob head pmsl :laugh:

 

I was asking as I have history with both one of these 3day bollox driving schools in Blackpool (cnut still owes me money for a job) and Walkabout (me and my friend hold a title for drinking the most JD in one night) :laugh:

 

it was walkabout yeh lol the bar and grill the b and b was up the top end of the drag....the hazeldine i believe

 

That pisshead that owns the company is a proper goon :laugh: The Hazledene is a proper shithole

[RossM 8,149]

Remember pulling this bird in a pub one night, few drinks giving it the chat end up taking her round the back and banging it. This was the Friday night, so the Sunday comes and I go into the pub, and George the batman shouts us over. Waves us over to the CCTV screen and there on screen is me hanging out this blonde you couldn't tell it was me so we are all laughing, George stops me on my way back to the table and jokingly says if you do that again your barred. I asked how the f**k he knew it was me and he replied. " I was stood out the back watching ye!"

 

Another time I was pumping the receptionist from work (she was engaged at the time) and we had a night out in the cavendish and we disappeared up behind the fire station across the road, so I'm banging away and just happen to glance up and there lined up along the balcony is about 8 firemen giving me the thumbs up! I just give them the thumbs up back and finish off and we go back into the club separately, so I get onto the dance floor and one of the boys says I know what you've been upto you dirty b*****d! And points at me, I look down and her fanny juice is on my shirt and trousers lighting up in the fluorescent lights and so is this big patch on her skirt well nabbed

[perthshire keeper 1,239]

 

 

 

 

 

about 2 years ago i was in blackpool on a intensive driveing course you know the "pass in a week" jobbies only i was on it for 3 days so on my first day i went out for a bite to eat..and ended up in the outback bar..you know the one.. gets a meal and a few pints in and gets chatting to this aussie barmaid blond we thing stunning!

things are going well and i drunkenly suggests when her shifts up she comes back to my b&b

 

"yeh cool" she says

 

game on!

so i sneak her in the b&b and she was WELL above my average so knowing a good thing when i see it spent the next hour trying to f**k it to death

then BANG!!! she slapped me right across the face not a playfull slap but a real belt! " what the f**k?!" she says do you like that...erm no i says (still trying to keep my self pumping).....and this was probley like a warning shot for what was about to come!.....all is good from then on..she went like a tramp on chips all night and asked to come round again tomorrow night...yeh no worries i says come round as it was my last night their....

 

well she come over..lifes good, and a night of mental shagging ensued....

next morning she was about to go i was half dressed. i had a shirt and boxers on. she said " can i see you tonight?" "erm not not really ime going home today.." oh she says..." but you will come and see me on the weekends wont you?"...well i was keepering at the time so just said "ime busy as hell with work so i wasnt planning on it, its been a great few days thou"

well that was f*****g it! something happend in her face...it lost all exspression....and ....she .....went f*****g NUTS! grabbed my silver chain pushed me against the door screaming all kinds of abuse and curses all the names under the sun whilst slapping me then she knees me in the side like a f*****g kidney shot so ime now on the floor in my boxers, half the bottons missing on my shirt shouting her to calm the f**k down and weel talk about this....she still had her hand in my chain and then she twisted it round and it kinked...so i grabber her wrists and got her hands under controle....... then she sticks the nut on me, so i dropped back tothe floor thinking now what with my hands over my face.... i pulled my hands away and she is stood their with the kettel you know the ones that are always in b&bs with "tea making facilities"

 

ime thinking shit shit shit shit then POW she hit me with the f*****g thing right round the head. i could see me getting beaten to death by a stunning aussie in a cheap B&B in f*****g blackpool by a kettel

 

so thiers me screaming like a girl with a broken chain...ripped shirt, bloody nose curled up on the floor at the end of the bed waiting for the next clout off the f*****g kettel... then i hears the door close and she had gone.......

never to been seen again..

. i had to answer lots of question off the owners about why their was a "overnight guest" with me when its against the rules

 

and yes i failed my driveing test that day

I have to ask was you in the b&b at the back of the Pleasure Beach??? :laugh: and was the bar Walkabout?? :laugh:

If that's a yes .... Well done you was shagging mushroom while he was in drag

 

You Fuckiing nob head pmsl :laugh:

 

I was asking as I have history with both one of these 3day bollox driving schools in Blackpool (cnut still owes me money for a job) and Walkabout (me and my friend hold a title for drinking the most JD in one night) :laugh:

 

it was walkabout yeh lol the bar and grill the b and b was up the top end of the drag....the hazeldine i believe

 

That pisshead that owns the company is a proper goon :laugh: The Hazledene is a proper shithole

 

your probably right about the first and your definately right about the second! me and a pall are now banned from the hazeldean over a incident with a cuppersoup

[trappa 518]

Years ago I was in Africa and was in a taxi with a load of darkies going down this track. It was pitch black and we were between villages, just swamp all around, crawling with crocodiles, hippos etc and im thinking f**k i hope we dont get a flat tire or we are croc food.

Anyway in the distance we could see a silhouette of someone in the road and these darkies are talking in gibberish but i keep getting the odd word like murder and kidnap so my arse is nipping.

As we get closer there is a black bloke stood in the middle of the road with an ak47 and he is screaming at us while waving the gun at our car. Im thinking this is it, im gonna die, seriously. So driver gets out and the bloke has the gun at his chest, screaming at him in some language and now im proper shitting myself. Im thinking this is it, im gonna be robbed, shot and fed to the crocs. Not a great feeling.

I took half the money i had and hid it in my shoe, thinking ill just give him my wallet with whats left and hopefully he wont shoot me. Anyway the gunman and the driver start talking and they are pointing to me and everything is running through my mind, proper scared.

The gunman walks over and taps on the window with his ak47 , so i wind it down. he says to me "You english"? I say yes and he f****n high fives me!!!

He starts talking in broken english about wanting to go to england. I could have f***ing kissed him!

[the_stig 6,614]

5 of us sat outside a bar a few year back when this bloke comes running towards us someone shouts stop thief so my mate cookie cool as anything and with perfect timing slides a chair out just in front of this lad and he`s runs into it and go`s flying another one of our lot jump on him -------turns out he was running for his bus cookie bought him a beer and we chipped in and paid for a taxi ...

[jeppi26 1,855]

Trappa that's class mate lollol

[The Seeker 3,048]

When I was about 20 me and a group of mates were meeting at the local boozer for a night out. Tomo one of the lads had just bought a £250.00 clapped out Vauxhall Chevette and decided to drive it up to the local to show it off to us with the intention of leaving it in the car park to be picked up Sunday morning when we played football for the local pub team.

 

Anyway off up town we go Tomo's going on and on about how great his new set of wheels were and how he was going to be able to pull more birds now he's got a set of wheels, so we do the full pub crawl, night club and kebab, Tomo pulled some bird so we left him to it and me and another mate jumped in a taxi.

 

So we get out of the taxi at the local and its then we see Tomo's car...irressistable .

 

Me and my mate decide to take off his wheel trims and I took them home and put them behind my shed.

 

Next day Sunday morning I turn up for the football game at the local chuckling to myself when I saw his car, but no Tomo, he missed the game didnt turn up?

 

So when I got home I called him "Where the fcek were you this morning for the match"

"Mate i spent the night in the nick last night" "EH" I said "what for you weren't scrapping where you?"

he said "I got arrested for Drunk Driving"

"You STUPID fecker I said how did that happen, I don't understand your car was at the pub this morning?"

 

He said "well I was on my way home last night after I left that bird and passing the local in the taxi I looked at my car and some b*****d had nicked my feckin wheel trims, so I stopped the taxi and thought theres no way Im having them come back and nick the car it so I thought fcek it I will sleep in the car. Anyway an hour or two later Im woken up by a copper knocking on the window with his torch and breathalyser..."

He got fined, banned for 12 months and didnt speak to me for about a month, luckily he saw the funny side in the end

 

For his birthday I wrapped up his 4 wheel trims and gave em to him in the pub

[jeppi26 1,855]

Me and afew lads on are way to in works van just about to get on the m way and see one of the other work lads cars parked in a layby where he ad met another gang and got in there van sowe turned the van round and went to the closest shop and got 4 rolls of clingfilm whent back to his car and wraped all 4 rolls around his car that nighe he got in with us on way home as we was getting closer we was all sniggering and he was calling us a bunch of idiots so we gets off the m way pulls in layby on the oposite side of road to his car it was dark by now he got his car and all we heard was you. Bunch of wankers you better get all this off my car now we laughed at him and drove off in van next in work he was there going mad toke him 1 1/2 hr to get it all off without scratching his car he wasnt happy

[fireman 11,399]

Cling film,that reminds me of a time on a site in suffolk it was a lasses birthday so were all getting pissed and having a good time and we clock the birthday girl and her fella slipping off for a quicky,well i remembered someone had a huge roll off industrial cling film and me and a few others followed them and let them get going as it were and once they were naked and in stride we lept out pinned them down and wrapped them both up together.She saw the funny side and thought it a good birthday prank,he didn't but was a bellend anyway and while he went home in a strop,she stayed and carried on partying.

Edited January 19, 2014 by fireman

[Qbgrey 4,282]

had a new mobile a few days and it started messing about si off i goes into the phone shop in town.i walks in told this young lad the prob,he says i cant help u sir..............i say i think you will mate,,,,,no no sir i cant touch it........well im leaning right over him i say ....you dont understand mush,you will f...g help .everyone looking by now,,,,,,,then he says the 02 shops next door...........could of died on the spot