barney rubble

I was sat in the pub the other night with a mate and was looking at a picture of 2 old drunks on the wall n said 2 him that wil be us in 10 years, he said thats a mirror dickhead

Irish Paralympic Swimming Trials50mtrs free styleLane 1,Paddy with no armsLane 2,Mick with no legsLane 3,just a headGun goes off & they all dive in.Mick with no legs takes the lead from armless Paddy.The head sinks 2 the bottom. Armless Paddy pips the legless Mick 2 win the race.They fish the head out & ask what happened.The head spluttered & screamed "6 f****n months 2 learn 2 swim with my ears & some barstard puts a swimmin cap on me"

Wants a iPad 3 but apple shop says dispatched in 2/3 weeks

In the beginning God created the earth and then he rested.Next God created man and then he rested.Then God created woman and since then nobody has had a f*****g minute.

Ast got curry farts .......

On mi way home .......

Has got less than 3 hours to get back to saint Helen's or I won't make the cpc course @7am .......

A one million pound prize was offered to any university who could explain why the end of a mans penis is helmet shaped. The University of Cambridge concluded it was to give the man more pleasure, the University of Oxford concluded it was to give the woman more pleasure. The University of Dublin, after spending the afternoon in the pub, won the prize after concluding that it was to stop your hand slipping off!!

My missus said Davy Jones from the monkeys was dead I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face!

White rabbits....

A man goes to bed & reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his hand slowly across her back, shoulders, then down her side just glancing her breasts then carries on down her side and legs. He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner thigh. He moves back towards the top and stops. His wife opens her eyes and gasps.. "Why did you stop?" He says "Found the remote - Back to sleep fatty!p

Went to my sex addicts class this morning. My counsellor thinks l've come a long way. She believes this is because l no longer see women as mere sex objects and can appreciate them as equals.. Sounds like she's after a f**k if you ask me..

R.a.f

japanese scientists have created a camera with such immense shutter speeds, that it is now possible to take,a,picture of,a women with her mouth closed

danny dyer legened

Frank Carson dies after choking on unspecified food. Hospital reports suggest it's a cracker.

I went for a testicle check up last wk. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls & said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure" I said "I haven't got an erection" She said "No, but I have."

FedPaddy hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it .When he gets home its there. Next day he drives 50miles and dumps it. When he gets home its there again. So next day he drives 2 the other side of the country and dumps it, 6 hours later he rings his wife and asks "Is that f*****g cat home?" "yes..Why ?" asks the wife . Paddy says "Put the c**t on the phone, im lost. "

My wife reckons she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through when watching it. Funnily enough, I have a similar system...

Homebrewtime.com

Hope our Leah is aving a good time at her party

I was standing at a urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a piss. I noticed he was winking at me so I looked away, I turned and looked again and the little f****r was winking at me like crazy! Disturbed by this, I said "Are you gay? Do u f****n fancy me or something?" he replied " No you're splashing my f*****g eyes you twat!"

this home brew larger is top stufffffffffff hicccccc

Just got my Valentines day card from moon pig. She f*****g hates it when I call her that