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Simoman

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Status Updates posted by Simoman

  1. Simoman

    Nowt so queer as folk

    1. PIL

      PIL

      You coming out the closet simo ? Lol

    2. Simoman

      Simoman

      One legs out

       

    3. PIL

      PIL

      Hahahaha

  2. Simoman

    I slap the water and watch, the fish dance to the ripples of us

    1. Simoman

      Simoman

      Correctomundo!!

    2. dymented

      dymented

      sure it was water and not a fat chick ?

       

  3. Simoman

    When i'm calling youuuuuuuuuuu

    1. paulus

      paulus

      after 6 lol

    2. Simoman

      Simoman

      Its a date lol

    3. paulus

      paulus

      ok honey....lol

  4. Simoman

    Fried lettuce, moob cupping and great craic

    1. Stabs

      Stabs

      Yeah, with your dad

    2. rob190364

      rob190364

      you forgot about the feltching!

    3. Bootsha

      Bootsha

      Rimming and fisting = soiled sheets and mattress, pair of tramps lol. The portacabin never been so smelly. How warm is the stove dear???, Pssssssssss, just right, get the eggs on it for the boys breakfast lol.

       

  5. Simoman

    Were burning down the highway skyline, on the back of a hurricane

    1. Stabs

      Stabs

      Your new Micra is quick then?

  6. Simoman

    We lost Larry Grayson/John Inman/Kenny Everett, but we still have stabs

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Simoman

      Simoman

      In the best possible taste!

    3. darren247

      darren247

      Are we 12?

    4. welshhound2

      welshhound2

      god help us if we only got stabs left...lol

  7. Simoman

    Snowballing!!

  8. Simoman

    Cram it with walnuts ugly

  9. Simoman

    Cram it with wallnuts ugly

  10. Simoman

    Is thinking of breeding a line of seal based lurchers

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. tomano1

      tomano1

      Breading is like a good women u only get what u put in lol

    3. GrCh

      GrCh

      lol

    4. Sirius

      Sirius

      Walrus x all the way for me, bigger balls.....

       

  11. Simoman

    Making a coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman, first you put in the beans, the you add some sugar, before sticking in your spoon and giving it a vigorous stir

    1. long dogs

      long dogs

      Taking up poetry simo

    2. Simoman

      Simoman

      Just a few life lessons from Swiss Toni

    3. Lab

      Lab

      I'm beginning to f*****g hate Swiss Toni...:-(

  12. Simoman

    Posting a thread is like making love to a beaatuful woman, first you plan your thoughts, then you spend time laying the groundwork before pushing the button

    1. "Earth!"

      "Earth!"

      mo thinking her simon. let my fingers start the work then pay the concenquences afterwards!

  13. Simoman

    Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. trappa

      trappa

      feckin love swiss toni. LEGEND

    3. bird

      bird

      what about a off roader big + wide ? had few them got 1 now lol

    4. Lab

      Lab

      Whats the exhuast system on it like Bird....? :-)

  14. Simoman

    Hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork

    1. Kay

      Kay

      Swiss Tony's got nothing on you..lol

    2. Simoman

      Simoman

      Sad but quite possibly true Kay lol

    3. just jack

      just jack

      dear o dear!!!

  15. Simoman

    Hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

  16. Simoman

    And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You ... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money

    1. tomano1

      tomano1

      :)
  17. Simoman

    Selling a car is like making love to a beautiful woman............

    1. Stabs

      Stabs

      Get the maltesers out....

       

    2. Simoman

      Simoman

      And Baileys, and lube

    3. paulus

      paulus

      acording to swiss toni......lol

  18. Simoman

    Is starting to grow webbed feet...........oh wait, in Lincolnshire we all hav webbed feet

    1. RossM

      RossM

      Webs between all 17 of your toes!!

    2. Simoman

      Simoman

      Only 16, im not from Norfolk!!

  19. Simoman

    I don't know what it is that makes me feel alive, I don't know how to wake the things that sleep inside.

    1. paulus

      paulus

      oasis Acquiesce...lol

    2. Stabs

      Stabs

      whiskey....it awakes all you need Simon!

  20. Simoman

    See chameleon, lying there in the sun, all things to everyone run run away

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. paulus

      paulus

      If you're in the swing (money ain't everything) If you're in ...

    3. Simoman

      Simoman

      You get a gold star

    4. paulus

      paulus

      ill put with my others....lol

  21. Simoman

    I don't want to, drink my whiskey like you do, i don't need to spend my money but still do

    1. Stabs

      Stabs

      You don't want to drink whiskey cos you'll a) start a fight B) shit yourself c) tell everyone you love them

    2. Simoman

      Simoman

      In that order lol

  22. Simoman

    Cram it with walnuts ugly!!!

    1. paulus

      paulus

      thats noway to talk to stabba.....lol

  23. Simoman

    Status updates.....some people overshare

  24. Simoman

    So you think I've got an evil mind, well i'll tell you honey, and i dont know why, and i dont know why. So you think my singings out of time, well it makes me money

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. tomano1

      tomano1

      I can do a lot of things to but can not lleps :)

    3. Simoman

      Simoman

      I noticed!

    4. tomano1

      tomano1

      Thanks bud if your not first your last ye ye ye :)

  25. Simoman

    I would make a chemistry joke but all the good ones argon

    1. Show previous comments  12 more
    2. paulus

      paulus

      Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

      A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

    3. paulus

      paulus

      A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

       

      Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

    4. paulus

      paulus

      Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

       

      Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, "Mother! Sometimes you really tick me off!"

       

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