Joke Thread

[RemyBolt 420]

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

Because he was hit by a bus.

[Guest foxpack]

I held the door for an Asian man today. He said "sank you" So I punched him in the throat. How dare he bring up pearl harbor like that.

[RemyBolt 420]

I've got a great joke about time travel. I'll tell you yesterday.

[Guest foxpack]

Superman is flying through the city, and sees Wonder Womans House. He is curious so he takes a peak inside her home with his x-ray vision.

What he sees astounds him, Wonder Woman is spread eagle and rubbing her boobs. And Superman gets a super hardon.

Shit Superman thinks, this is too easy, I can just zoom in there, get a few pumps in at the speed of light and she wont even know what happened.

Wonder Woman suddenly looks up, and says, "what was that"? The invisible man says," hell if I know but my ass is killing me"!

[marshman 7,756]

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones ? Out of a Christmas cracker that one lol

[smithie 2,432]

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the

service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how

consultants can make a difference to an organization.



Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that

the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.



It seemed a little strange.



When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in

his shirt pocket.



Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their

pockets.



When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"



"Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting

to revamp all our processes.



After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most

frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately

3 spoons per table per hour.



If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of

trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."



As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it

with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen,

instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."



I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of

the waiter's fly.



Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string

hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,



"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"



"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.



"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also

found out that we can save time in the restroom.



By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without

touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time

spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.



I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"



"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the

spoon.".

[Blackbriar 8,568]

Have I done the Alzheimer's joke..........?

[Kabbychris 7]

A woman was wanting to spice up her sex life with her husband, so decided to buy some crotchless knickers. So that night she sat opposite her husband and opened her legs so he could get a good look. The husband said are you wearing crotchless knickers? Which the wife replied YES!! The husband said thank f**k for that I thought the sofa was split and the stuffing was coming out.

[skinner 348]

man goes into a pub and orders 2 shorts, when he ge ts them he drinks one and then pours one in his top pocket,he does this all night until the bar man said no more mate your very drunk now so you better get your self home, the man said to the bar man out side now I will give you a [BANNED TEXT] good smacking, and then a mouse pops up from his top pocket and said yer and fetch yer fecking cat with you

[peterhunter86 8,627]

a black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the barman say that's great were did you get that

And the parrot says in Africa theres fooking millions of them

[Blackbriar 8,568]

I bumped into my mate Trev in the pub the other night.

We had a chat, then I noticed the fella next to him, listening in - a midget with a parrot on his shoulder !

"Is he a mate of yours, Trev?" I asked.

"Don't even start me !" says Trev. "He's been following me round all day. He's rude to my friends, he's embarrassed me every time he's opened his mouth. He's swore at my Mum, he's been grabbing the barmaid's tit5, picked half a dozen fights and hasn't bought a drink all night !"

"So who is he?" I said.

"Well," says Trev "Yesterday, I found a magic lamp. The genie popped out and said he would grant me one wish."

"I don't follow" I confessed.

 

Trev says "I wished for a coloured bird with a little c*nt !"

[abarrett 462]

Bloke sat in a bar after his 4th double whiskey the barman asks what he is celebrating

Bloke say my first BJ

Let me buy you a drink says the barman

No thanks says the bloke if 4 won't shift the taste nothing will

[abarrett 462]

Young lad sat on the church steps with a little glass bottle in his hand

Vicar walks up and asks what's in the bottle

Lad says its battery acid

Vicar very concerned puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a small bottle

He then tells the lad this is holy water and its special I put 2 drops of this on a woman's tummy

And she passed a baby do you want to swap

No thanks says the lad

I put 2 drops of this on a dogs balls

He passed an ice cream van and a motor bike

[peterhunter86 8,627]

Was out lamping tonight and found a body with a weetabix shoved up its arse police think its the work of a cereal

Killer

[coverdogs 888]

It was this guys 47th birthday he was a very fresh man and didn't look his age and he was very proud of it

so he puts on his best suit and heads out to the shops

he goes into the local grocers buys a few items he goes to the checkout to pay

the girl at the checkout says that will be £2 50 he pays and gets his change

he says thank you very much oh and by the way it's my birthday today what age do you think i am?

the girl says 34 or 35

i am 47 he replies god you are a very fresh man for your age she replies

of he goes down the street as proud as punch and into the butchers

same thing there buys a few items pays and on receiving his change says to the girl oh bay the way its my birthday today what age do you think i am

the girl replies 34 or 35

i am 47 god you are a fresh man for your age

of he goes down the street proud as punch

he's standing at the bus stop when an old lady in her 70s comes down the street she asks him is this the bus stop for john street?

it is mam oh and by the way it's my birthday today what age do you think i am

oh i wouldn't have a clue son she replies

go ahead have a guess

i couldn't even guess she replies but if you give me a wee feel at your boy i might be able to tell you

he though awhile and said ok come around the back of the bus shelter

the old lady shoves her hand down and has a good grope

after 10 minutes she looks up into his face and says you are 47

i total shock he asked how do you know that

she replies i was standing behind you in the butchers