Joke Thread

[air gun ant 1,666]

thought it would be fun to start a joke thread and lighten the place up a bit.

feel free to add (apart from walshie lol)

ill start, just read this on another forum lol

 

A pretty little girl named Dawn was standing on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm David Cameron. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Dawn said.

"How old are they?" asked David.

Dawn replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Conservative," answered Dawn with a smile.

David was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo opportunity, the two men agreed that the prime minister should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Dawn was again standing on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, Sky, ITN and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then David got out of his car and walked over to little Dawn.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Dawn said. "They're UKIPs."

Taken by surprise, the prime minister stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were Conservatives."

Little Dawn smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

Edited October 16, 2014 by air gun ant

[walshie 2,804]

Ooh. Can't wait. i'll get my "A" grade stuff out now.

[air gun ant 1,666]

Ooh. Can't wait. i'll get my "A" grade stuff out now.

i knew you'd be on this straight away! lol

[walshie 2,804]

A young woman sees an old boy sitting on a park bench sobbing his heart out.

 

She sits down next to him and asks, " You seem very upset, is there anything I can do to help?"

 

"No, thank you, there's nothing you can do" he sobs.

 

"Well you never know; it's good to talk."

 

He looks up at her through blood shot teary eyes and says: " Well, I'm 91 years old, I recently got married to a 23 year old nurse. She's wonderful. She does all my washing, is an excellent cook, and every night she carries me upstairs and bathes me, then lifts me out, dries me off and carries me through to the bedroom and makes mad passionate love to me."

 

"Well that's fantastic, you should be extremely happy; why are you so upset?" asks the young woman.

 

The old boy breaks out crying again and says: "I've forgotten where I live."

 

[smithie 2,429]

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It
is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best
to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He
chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter
comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very
tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

__________________

[Astanley 11,493]

Whats blue and dosnt fit properly ......a dead epileptic

[smithie 2,429]

A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[smithie 2,429]

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

[peterhunter86 8,627]

A Yankee farmer visits an irish farm were he is shown the farmers prize bull that won best in show for the last five years and the yank not to not to be outdone says he has one twice as big and won best in show the last ten yearss so this goes on and on with all the animals they see till they come across the biggest donkey you ever seen and the irish farmer takes out his gun and shoots it dead and turns and says to the yank im fooking sick of them rabbits eating my grass

[marshman 7,756]

I rung the gym the other day and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. The bloke asked " how flexible are you "? I said " I can't do Tuesdays "

[smithie 2,429]

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is
placed at the top of the woman's head - which could be
turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of
a brand new face-lift.


Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'


Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the
knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman
remained young looking and vibrant.


After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon
with two problems.


'All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always
loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying
problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my
eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'


The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't
bags - those are your breasts.'


She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking
about the goatee.'

[Mister Gain 1,759]

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen

Staring at her beautiful body, I asked what she wanted me to do.
She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke.
So I went for a smoke

'How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked.
'Fine,' I said, 'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here.'

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it.
I probably should've told her about the new electric fence.

My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless.
No woman can resist a good lizard impression.

As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said 'I want to see how hard you are.'
'Alright,' I replied, and punched the waiter.

[Ratmanwan 66]

My mates just got back from Africa and he can't stop buying raffle tickets, I think he's got tombola....

[DogFox123 1,379]

They all laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian...... They're not laughing now!!!

[marky b 309]

A Pakistani gentlemen walks into the doctors with a toad growing out of his forehead after waiting a while he's called in and the doctor has a good hard look then asks "how long have you had this" the toad says "a while now it started as a wart on my arse!