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I looked out of my living room window tonight and a saw a black man riding a bike................I thought b@stard that looks just like  mine, so I shot off into the garage to double check..........Ph

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A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

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It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches wouldkeep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"


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The teacher called little
Johnny to her desk and
said, "The essay you
wrote about your pet dog
is word-for-word the
same as your brother's.
What do you have to say
for yourself?"
"Of course it is!" said little Johnny.
"It's the same f***ing dog!"

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After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.
After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer.", she said.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry. "Is this your husband ?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then ?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then ?" demanded Joe bewildered.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

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A fella had been stranded to years on a desert island when, one morning, he finds a lovely looking woman, washed up on the beach. So, he took her back to his but, to take care of her.

After a couple of hours, she comes around, and is clearly quite taken with him.


"How can I ever repay you for saving my life ? After all this time, there must be....something....you've missed ?" she asks, giving him the eye.

"Well" he says "I've really missed a smoke, but I don't suppose you've got one ?"

She reaches into one side of her bra and produces 20 Benson's.......


"There must be something else you've missed ? I mean, you've been on your own here to so long ?" she asks him seductively.

"To tell you the truth, you know what I've really missed ?" he says.

"Go on" says the woman, getting comfy on the bed....

"I could murder a pint !" he says.


She looks a little crestfallen, but reaches into the other side of her bra and produces a can of Guiness.


She slowly removes her bikini, and starts stroking herself between her legs. She looks him right in the eye and says "I bet I know what you've missed the most !"


The fella looks up from his pint and says "F*** me - you've never got a chip pan in there !"

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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers: “Hello.”

“Can I speak to Mrs Jones please?”

“That’s me.”

“Mrs Jones, I’m calling about your husband’s test results, I’m afraid the lab has mixed up the results from your husband’s biopsy with those from another Mr Jones and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.

“What do you mean?”, Mrs Jones asks nervously.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS, and we can’t tell which is your husband’s.”

“That’s dreadful! Can’t you do the test again?”, asked Mrs Jones.

“Normally we can, but with the NHS cuts, they will only pay for these expensive tests one time.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“We recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.”

“What then?”

“If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”

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heard on radio 4 the other day, lady Irish athlete said to her doctor "those steroids i took made me grow a penis, the doctor replied anabolic ? no she said just a penis

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My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian on his back.


Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."


The tattooist said "For fcuk sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

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A condemned man is being led to the gallows, for his execution.


The respondent man makes the long walk across the castle courtyard, but stumbles, twisting his ankle. The executioner helps him up, and they continue the fateful journey. Even enthalpy, they reach the gallows and the prisoner slowly climbs the steps. As the executioner places the noose around his neck, the heavens open, and a violent downpour begins.


The man looks up, with tears in his eyes, and says "What else can go wrong ?"


The executioner says to him "I don't know what you're whinging about - I've got to walk back in this !"

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Two wives go out for a girls night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.

One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.

The next morning one husband called the other and said "No more girls night out, my wife came back with no panties."

The other husband said "You think that's bad, mine came back with a card in her crack which read 'from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you.'"

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I went on a backpacking holiday with the wife. On the first night I said, “I think there’s a monster under my bed…” “Grow up,” she replied.
“No, really,” I continued. “It’s hideous…” “Stop pissing about,” she snapped. “I knew it was a mistake letting you have the top bunk!!..

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