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A MONTANA COWBOY, A NATIVE AMERICAN AND A MUSLIM ARE WAITING FOR THEIR PLANE IN A SMALL MONTANA AIRPORT. THE MONTANA COWBOY LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR, CROSSES HIS BOOTS ON A MAGAZINE TABLE AND TIPS

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A woman turned up at casualty with burns on both of her ears.
To keep the mood light the doctor jokingly said "You weren't ironing when the phone rang were you?"
She blushed when she answered "Yes."
"But..." said the doctor "that would only explain one burnt ear."
The woman replied "Well I had to call an ambulance..."

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A policeman radios through to the police station, "Sarge, I've got a woman here who shot her husband dead for walking on the floor she just mopped."

 

The Sergeant says "Well done PC Smith. Have you arrested her?"

 

"No sarge......the floor's still wet."

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I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.


I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."


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I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day...

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A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Indian answered, . It means.......f****n......

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

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My Girlfriend said to me;...."Men can't multi-task"....Well I managed to grope her tits and slap her arse, both at the same time as pumping her from behind, whilst all the time thinking about her prettier sister Now that's gotta be more difficult than patting
your head whilst rubbing your tummy

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The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.


"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.


"What happened!!



I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ?


Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"


"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."


Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.


"I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email”


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3 boys are talking in the playground. The 1st boy says, "My Dad's the fastest man in the world." "How do you know that?" Asks the other boys. "Because he can fire a bow and arrow and run and catch it!" He replies."That's nothing," says the 2nd boy. "My Dad can fire a gun and run and catch the bullet!" That's nothing says the 3rd boy, "My Dad works for the Council, he finishes at half 4 and he's in the house for 2."

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The other day, my friends and I went to an exotic dance club. One of the lads wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out a 10€ note. When the dancer came over to us, my pal licked the 10€ note and stuck it to her butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a 20€ note. He called the girl back over, licked the 20 and stuck it to her other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a 50!! He called the dancer over. I was worried about the way things were going, but he licked the bill and just stuck it to one of her butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived! Seeing the way things were going, the girl gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the girl was egging me on to try and top the 50€.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her ass, grabbed the 80 Euros, and pissed off home.

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