Funny Joke Thread

[The one 8,395]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me 'Oi, what's your disability mate?' I said 'Tourettes, you wanker, now f**k off!'

 

My mate's shagging twins, who both like it up the arse....... I asked, "how do you tell them apart?" He said "oh that's easy, Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaven fanny and Derek's got a moustache and big bollocks".

 

Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now.

How long does it take to have a baby,for f**k sake?

A scouse girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the welfare officer. "Ten" replies the scouser, "Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?" "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" replies the scouser. "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the scouse girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it. "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker. "That's easy," says the scouse girl... "I just use their surnames"

[The one 8,395]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...So what's the other possible good news?'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again

[The one 8,395]

My wife wanted a new ring for her birthday. I went a little better and got her 4 new rings, or a hob as it’s more commonly known.

 

My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For f**k sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

 

Woman in K Mart notices a young assistant. He has such a cute arse it makes her randy! She asks him to carry her shopping to her car. On the way she can'thold back any more and says "I've got an itchypussy". He says "you'll have to point it out love, all these f***ing Japanese cars look the same to me!

 

I was winning at hide and seek today, then the police go and spoil it,

I would have won but they let their dog off the leash and found me.
cheating b*****ds!!

 

.Breaking News: The lrish government have announced that as of next week, all cars in lreland will now drive on the right hand side of the road. lf this is a success, all buses and lorries will follow a week later

 

Just completed in the paralympic blindfold masturbation competition.f**k knows where i came

 

!Bought a dog and called him shark.

I'm now banned from every beach in England!

[The one 8,395]

This girl kept looking at my Beer Belly last night and then she sarcastically said, "Is that Guinness or Carlsberg?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath, wanna taste it?"

 

After hot passionate sex last night with my girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said “You know, You are by far the biggest I’ve ever had”

Apparently, “Ditto” is not the right response…

 

Choosing who to vote for is like having to choose a sexually transmitted disease.

They're all unpleasant and some are worse than others, but you really don't want any of them

Women can argue for 3 hours straight, but 2 minutes into a blowjob their "jaw is aching".

A big bird came smiling up to me in a nightclub, put her hand on my groin and said, "Have a guess what I want in my mouth tonight?"
"I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered.
"I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'"
"Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake

[Haiddheliwr 1,911]

Excellent like x4

[The one 8,395]

"I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power a few short months ago ...

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Donald Trump took his Oath of Office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Soldiers, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President.

It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.

Every one of them missed the b*****d !"

"I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power a few short months ago ...

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Donald Trump took his Oath of Office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Soldiers, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President.

It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.

Every one of them missed the b*****d !"

[bob.243 7,508]

.

[The one 8,395]

Two women were playing golf one sunny morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch and fell to the ground where he proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.”
“Ummph, oooh, nooo, I’ll be alright…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at the crotch.
But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and she began to massage him 'there'.
She then asked him, “How does that feel now?”
The man replied, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

[The one 8,395]

So women are better at multitasking than men?
That's funny, most women I know can't use an accelerator and a steering wheel at the same time

[The one 8,395]

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait no..It was a florist

[peterhunter86 8,627]

The one do us all a favour burn that fcuking joke book.

[The one 8,395]

Q:What did the prostitute bring home after a long nights work?
A: A box of assorted creams

[The one 8,395]

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar.
He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"

[The one 8,395]

I've just had to change my relationship status on Facebook to 'It's Complicated' after breaking both of my wrists

[The one 8,395]

I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out.