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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker.

 

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

 

Ok I'll get my coat.

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My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Bruce Willis films.

 

I apologised and told her old habits die hard.

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I got a new pup today. Little jrt. Lovely little thing he is. Black and tan with a really small patch of white. Im calling him Bradford.

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The mrs says "do you fancy a 69"

I said "how about a 68"

What's that?" She asked

I said "give me a blow job and I owe you one"

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About a month before he died, my dad insisted on having lard smeared all over his back.

 

 

He went downhill really fast after that......

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The kids keep taking the p1ss out of my Alzheimers.

 

It won't be so funny when they wake up on Christmas morning and there's no eggs under the bonfire.

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Subject: Donald Trump dies and goes to hell....

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my

list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here,

so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here

who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you

have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."


Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened

the door to the first room.


In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept

diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and

over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate

in hell.


"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair.

I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.


In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.

all he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.


"No, this is no good; I've got his problem with my shoulder.

I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks

all day," commented Donald.


The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill

Clinton , lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his

legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica

Lewinsky, doing what she does best.


Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah

man, I can handle this."


The devil smiled and said...........


"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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These workmen are installing bollards to stop nurses from parking on the pavement outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast .



They are cleaning up at the end of the day.



How long do you think it will be before they realise that they can't go home?



This is a real photograph!




post-16943-0-37096700-1507147855_thumb.jpg

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Pretty apt joke for this forum

 

 

 

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence

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Was invited to a mad house party tonight where the girl whose house it was being held in told everyone in advance that when she got pissed she was going to snort her dead Nan's ashes???

 

 

 

What a letdown...... She only managed half a gran!!

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