Like; Wow, Man! That Was Far Out ....!

[Outlaw Pete 2,224]

Jesus f**king christ! My back was 'pinging' all morning. Then, just as I stooped to pick up a bit of Dog shit: Wham! I'm on my f**king knees and crying out in acute agony!

 

Thank god I've Finally met the medics who knew just how to handle this adult life long problem of mine.

 

They fed me a valium ..... Now, I have my little pot of the things, right here on my desk. I took one .....

 

Just sitting here, feeling like my neck was made of rubber. Decided it's no good and life must go on regardless. Stood up and told the Dogs it was walks time.

 

Then, I glanced out at my traps and ushered them all back in here. And I'm like;

 

" Oh, Wow, man! It's a Buuuurrd! " Staggered out there, like a marionette on loose strings. " Oooh! Siss Kinnn ..... Cool! " FFS!

 

He's a re trap. So I'm reading his ring number. Only my f**king chin's virtually on my chest! Man of rubber meets Cheech and Chong!

 

Got through all that alright and reassembled the Dogs. Going out the gate thinking; " Hope there's no badgers! That'd be a Reeeal bummer ....! " (Visions of me, swaying there. Trying to comprehend WTF's going on, as the three of them rip lumps off eachother)

 

And, to think they used to hand these damn things out to housewives, like f**king sweets! Can you imagine that?

 

That gorgeous and fascinating girl you once married, now reduced to a rubbery limbed entity whose thought process is so slurred she'd might as well have suffered permanent brain damage.

 

Hour of that shit's quite enough for me. And f**k having to do it at midday!

 

[stabba 10,745]

You drink on them Pete..You are gunna get in a serious state...

[Waz 4,212]

Nurse....increase the dosage. LOL

[Outlaw Pete 2,224]

Scary thing is, my back's still damn sore. F**k having to take another one any time soon!

 

It's funny. I used to crave smoking good dope, to get much this sort of feeling. But, I haven't had any gear in years.

 

And, frankly? I'd far rather not be turning on at this time of day. I have shit to do. Worst of it is, I can't clean the horses out.

 

Where are these horse obsessed young girls when ye need them? Sort that Beg to be allowed to muck ye stables out, just to be around horses?

 

One or two would be most welcome down there, right now. Muck the f**kers out. Groom them. Pick their hooves and ride them around for all I care.

 

As it is? I'll be looking at a mammoth shit slinging job tomorrow. As long as this back's better. Horses never stop shitting. And that stuff don't go away

 

[perthshire keeper 1,237]

will slinging a horse a few pills slow its shitting down? best put a half a dozen in a apple and record the results to be sure

[Flipper_Al 1,012]

Your getting shitfaced free off the NHS.. happy days

[Malt 379]

What colour ones they give you Pete, white yellow or blue?

[Outlaw Pete 2,224]

Malters; Yellow, mate. 5 Mg. Just sends me into a parallel universe for an hour or two.

 

I'm clear now. Just feel like Rosie has stamped on my balls and back. Pain killers do absolutely nothing for this. Unless they're opiate based, FFS.

 

 

Flipper; I have Librium here. Proscribed. My name on the pot. I want to get shit faced? One of those bad babies and I'd lose an entire f**king day!

 

Equivalent of being paralytic drunk ~ just unable to move. F**k That! Had that when I was Sectioned. It's great fun, frankly! Just the cold turkey is enough to drive a man to f**king suicide!

 

No. I don't f**k with this shit no more.

[hutch6 550]

I had a trapped nerve in my back after getting up from my office chair which laid me out for the weekend and then on the following wednesday I was taking the bin liner out of the bin and it went again - there's a lot to be said for a rock n roll lifestyle

The next day I was off work and woke up late. I thought "Siht!! The dogs need a p1ss!!!" I seemed to spend a lifetime manoeuvring my body to try and get out of bed.I managed to get into a position that looked like a caveman taking a dump in his dug hole and with my phone in hand shuffled my way from the bedroom, down the stairs and into the kitchen.

Now, I don't sleep in anything except my birthday suit and as I was struggling to stand I was hardly going to to chance putting on any jimjam/jogging bottoms or anything. So there I was, hunched over as naked as the day I was born in the kitchen with the dogs doing to "You're alive!! This is so amazing!!" dance around my feet.

 

Since the council knocked down the garages that back onto my garden the neighbours in the flats behind can see straight into my house, but more importantly for this, my kitchen also. I figured as i was bent over they couldn't see a great deal anyway so waded through the dogs and went to open the patio doors. As I reached with my right hand to slide the doors my back went into spasm. The pain when this was going on was like nothing I had ever felt before (I've even had a lumber puncture without anaesthetic) and I dropped to the floor like a sack of shit. I was breathing shallow as it hurt to take a normal breath and I was waiting for my muscles to stop contracting and take the pressure off of the nerve.

I now realise that I am laid in the foetal position with my whiter than white ar$e saluting the neighbours and the jewels hanging between my legs just catching the breeze. I couldn't move. Every time I moved my back would shoot into spasm again so I was held against my will for a while naked on kitchen floor.

Eventually the pain subsided enough to allow me to move so I took the opportunity to try and get up and get back out of the view of the public. This is when I made the worst mistake I could have.

I could cantilever any body weight at all so lifting a leg wasn't an option or lifting an arm due to where the nerve was (in between my shoulder blade and spine), this left me only one option, I had to roll onto my side, then my front and then get up using whatever support was available.

I managed to get onto my side fine and then I rolled onto my knees with my shoulders still down on the ground. Basically I was like a free for all hooker slot machine. I thought I'd be fine and just be able to push myself up off one of the chairs that were nearby. Oh no. As soon as I tried to reach up to place a hand on one my back went again which meant my only option was to put my shoulders down to the ground leaving my naked virgin ar$e in the air. Couple this with the patio doors being open and I was at the mercy of whatever came through my back yard, literally. I was probably only like this for about 10 seconds but when you are left in such a vulnerable position not being able to do anything about it it feels like an eternity. The pain subsided again and regardless of what pain I was in for I took the opportunity to just go of broke. I got myself in my hunched over position in an incredible amount of pain, shuffled to a more private area of the house and collapsed again. I was there for the best part of the morning with the cold wind blowing in the patio doors until I managed ot get back upstairs and get a very hot shower on it to ease the discomfort.

 

I've had a couple fo massages on it so far and let me tell you, it ain't like the massages you see in the movies online. Fooking Nora!!! Hurts more than the initial back pain. I went to my first massage in grey tracksuit bottoms and when we'd done I had been sweating that much from the pain I looked like I'd p1ssed myself!!

It's all elbows and full body pressure on the elbow onto your muscles. Chuffing heck it's painful but it's sorted it out in no time.

[Flipper_Al 1,012]

OP.. 6 ops on my left leg in a man v lamppost accident, prescribed DF118's, they were a bitch

[Outlaw Pete 2,224]

Hutch; Fantastic post, mate! Absolutely told it like it is. Only those who have been there could truly appreciate it, of course!

 

F**k me; In my life, I've been over taken by old ladies with zimmer frames, as I've grotesquely waddled along the road in a complete, arse on the ground squat. Actually crying with laughter at the sheer ridiculousness of my situation. I was a generally fit young man then.

 

I've been asked if I was alright, being caught slithering across grass, propelling my limp and outstretched body only with my arms. Like some primordial thing, freshly emerged from the organic soup.

 

I've been found crying, and screaming my neighbours name. Slumped over a wheelie bin in my own back garden. Curled up on the pavement, at night, on an inner city street corner. Praying the Dog attached to my wrist wouldn't take another step!

 

Worst of it is though, isn't it? When somebody asks you if you're alright; You just look up at them and, perfectly politely and lucidly say:

 

" Oh, I'm fine. Thankyou I'm not hurt in any way. It's just that my back's gone ~ this happens to me, now and then ~ and I can't move a muscle. Or I'll be screaming in agony. I just need to stay like this for an hour or two "

 

That, or let them waste ambulance time by coming to scrape you up and take ye to a hospital bed. Where they pump ye full of pain killers and leave ye alone for a couple hours. Till ye finally able to creep back home.

 

Miserable, isn't it? Then, one Sunday afternoon, when I phoned my nearest neighbour to the fact that I was stuck, clinging to my window sill ~ and my legs were giving out!!! ~ The Doctor they called out stabbed me with a shot of liquid Diazepam.

 

I was on my feet within twenty minutes

[stealthy1 3,964]

Cheech n Chong, your going back a bit Pete

[South hams hunter 8,837]

Was addicted to em for about 3-4 years Pete and you can have some great fun with em

[YOKEL 2,122]

I had a trapped nerve in my back after getting up from my office chair which laid me out for the weekend and then on the following wednesday I was taking the bin liner out of the bin and it went again - there's a lot to be said for a rock n roll lifestyle

The next day I was off work and woke up late. I thought "Siht!! The dogs need a p1ss!!!" I seemed to spend a lifetime manoeuvring my body to try and get out of bed.I managed to get into a position that looked like a caveman taking a dump in his dug hole and with my phone in hand shuffled my way from the bedroom, down the stairs and into the kitchen.

Now, I don't sleep in anything except my birthday suit and as I was struggling to stand I was hardly going to to chance putting on any jimjam/jogging bottoms or anything. So there I was, hunched over as naked as the day I was born in the kitchen with the dogs doing to "You're alive!! This is so amazing!!" dance around my feet.

 

Since the council knocked down the garages that back onto my garden the neighbours in the flats behind can see straight into my house, but more importantly for this, my kitchen also. I figured as i was bent over they couldn't see a great deal anyway so waded through the dogs and went to open the patio doors. As I reached with my right hand to slide the doors my back went into spasm. The pain when this was going on was like nothing I had ever felt before (I've even had a lumber puncture without anaesthetic) and I dropped to the floor like a sack of shit. I was breathing shallow as it hurt to take a normal breath and I was waiting for my muscles to stop contracting and take the pressure off of the nerve.

I now realise that I am laid in the foetal position with my whiter than white ar$e saluting the neighbours and the jewels hanging between my legs just catching the breeze. I couldn't move. Every time I moved my back would shoot into spasm again so I was held against my will for a while naked on kitchen floor.

Eventually the pain subsided enough to allow me to move so I took the opportunity to try and get up and get back out of the view of the public. This is when I made the worst mistake I could have.

I could cantilever any body weight at all so lifting a leg wasn't an option or lifting an arm due to where the nerve was (in between my shoulder blade and spine), this left me only one option, I had to roll onto my side, then my front and then get up using whatever support was available.

I managed to get onto my side fine and then I rolled onto my knees with my shoulders still down on the ground. Basically I was like a free for all hooker slot machine. I thought I'd be fine and just be able to push myself up off one of the chairs that were nearby. Oh no. As soon as I tried to reach up to place a hand on one my back went again which meant my only option was to put my shoulders down to the ground leaving my naked virgin ar$e in the air. Couple this with the patio doors being open and I was at the mercy of whatever came through my back yard, literally. I was probably only like this for about 10 seconds but when you are left in such a vulnerable position not being able to do anything about it it feels like an eternity. The pain subsided again and regardless of what pain I was in for I took the opportunity to just go of broke. I got myself in my hunched over position in an incredible amount of pain, shuffled to a more private area of the house and collapsed again. I was there for the best part of the morning with the cold wind blowing in the patio doors until I managed ot get back upstairs and get a very hot shower on it to ease the discomfort.

 

I've had a couple fo massages on it so far and let me tell you, it ain't like the massages you see in the movies online. Fooking Nora!!! Hurts more than the initial back pain. I went to my first massage in grey tracksuit bottoms and when we'd done I had been sweating that much from the pain I looked like I'd p1ssed myself!!

It's all elbows and full body pressure on the elbow onto your muscles. Chuffing heck it's painful but it's sorted it out in no time.

 

 

Fantastic post! The 1st time my back went properly like above, was one evening. it had been twinging all day, humping kitchen units about, got home, took the dogs out, then when i got in i bent down to get me boots off and BANG! Thought some c**t had snuck up behind me and stabbed me in the kidney!! was writhing around on the floor in pain like I've never known. after awhile i managed to get to my feet, ate a handfull of whatever pain relief we had in the house and f****d off to bed thinking i'll be o.k. in the morn...How f*****g wrong was i, i awoke from the minimal sleep i'd managed, pretty much unable to move without a searing, agonizing pain coursing threw my body. I'm breaking me neck for a piss, and thinking i'm gonna wet the bed if i aint sharpish! i've managed to wiggle onto my belly, then got my legs out and onto the floor and slowly heaved myself up, and then just locked up, bollock necked, feet on the floor, hands on the edge of the bed, shouting the wife to muster some help lol. don't think iv'e felt so vulnerable before or since...thankfully she manged to slip a pair of undercrackers onto me before the Dr turned up....every cloud tho, as they say...2weeks of diazapam and opiates, i couldn't nay give a fook...happened again a few times since,most recent a couple of weeks back. think once it's gone once it's f****d!

Yokel

Edited March 31, 2014 by YOKEL

[antg 1,729]

yep your right yokel. once its gone off it will normally be a repetitive issue. ive had a bad back for 15 years or so now. being on opiates for 4 years. bit embarrassing when i've had to get the wife to wipe my arse because i couldn't move . but shes a goodun