deadlyshot

I think I may give up offering people a chance of going out if all people do is take the piss

Anyone fancy a bit of digging tomorrow

Why is it I get up at the crack of dawn drive an hour and 15 minutes go check all earths and nothing go and then go to the couple of badger setts that are about and have a sniff of an entrance and what you got fox poxy bloody foxes stop being so lazy and get your own earth

finally back to work with the same company that keeps laying me off lets see how long im there this time

I was having a shit in the train toilet when the ticket inspector knocked on the door and asked for my ticket. "Not right now" I said, "I'm having a shit." ''I dont believe you , can you slide it under the door'' he replied. "No problem" I said ''the yellow bits are sweetcorn !''

today cant get any better for me as i smashed my driving lesson and passed quality

Got my driving test tomorrow hopefully there will be a big fat pass certificate lol

I shagged an ugly Chinese bird in a lift. I know, I know.....I was f****n Wong on so many levels.

so what do you scots think about being un united from the uk and changing over to the euro?

My wife came home from work last night and downed a pint of lager. "Mm that was just like your cock", she smiled. "What, really tasty and some what refreshing", I chuckled. "No", she laughed, "It didn't even touch the sides!!"

I'm in the doghouse again!. The Mrs said "if you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse". Maybe I should have waited until the bulb cooled down a bit.

I made my girlfriend's dreams come true & married her in a castle........ although you wouldnt have thought it from the look on her miserable f****n' face as we we're bouncing around,

Well happy Christmas lads shouldn't be on here NOW but thought I'd say happy crimbo to you all and have a good new year!

Wanna know the secret to making a girl go mmmmmmmmmmmmm all night? Duct tape!

Wanna know the secret to making a girl go mmmmmmmmmmmmm all night? Duct tape!

I made a romantic meal for my wife and called out " honey, dinners ready " I then heard the moaning of sexual pleasure as she replied " mmmm , just coming baby " and she let out a giggle. So I walked into lounge to find her lying naked on sofa, seductively stroking her pussy " Why dont you make me come " she purred. So I punched her in the face and screamed " f*****g DINNER . . NOW ! "

just got in from having a mooch with the terrier nothing tonight saw more people than i would of liked to at this time of night

sister spent £800 quid getting her car fixed last week its now in a ditch what a knob lol

Anyone got any wormers for sale I did see someone had some up for say the other week but I didn't realise that I didn't have any left let's me know if you do cheers

A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin f****n home!"

Just back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I took a load of abuse for my floral tribute in the shape of a lifebelt, but as i told everyone at the service.. "It's what he would have wanted"

my wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that help you get an erection.you should of seen her face when i came back and tossed her some slimming pills.

any one wants a nurserie ryhme let me know and ill pm you as bit much for on here

My kids keep on taking the piss out of my alzheimers. Wait till the cheeky little c**ts wake up on christmas morning to find no eggs under the tree!

A woman set her fanny on fire by accident, Her husband said stand on the balcony and let the wind blow it out.But she slipped and fell.Paddy and Murphy were stood below,watching the flaming fanny hurtling towards them, paddy said to murphy is that hayleys comet? Murphy said don't talk f*****g stupid its a Twatalite