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United airlines motto


“Drag and Drop”

“We put the hospital in hospitality”

“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”

“We treat you like we treat your luggage”

“We beat the customer. Not the competition”

“And you thought leg room was an issue”

“Where voluntary is mandatory”

“Fight or flight. We decide”

“Now offering one free carry off”

“Beating random customers since 2017”

“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”

“A bloody good airline”

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I looked out of my living room window tonight and a saw a black man riding a bike................I thought b@stard that looks just like  mine, so I shot off into the garage to double check..........Ph

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An old tart goes into a high street high class department store and walks up to the perfume counter.

The woman behind the counter asks in a posh accent "would you like to try some of our scents ?"

She sprays a little on the tarts wrist and the tart asks "what's this bleedin' stuff called then ?"

The posh woman says "It's called Come To Me."

The tart takes a sniff and says "it doesn't bleedin' smell like cum to me."

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After insulting her food once too often.

The Wife's not Cooking for me tonight.............


Well, it's either that or the Smoke Alarm's f****d.

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A woman was in Hospital.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding Postage Stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina".

"The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't Postage Stamps My Dear, they're Banana Stickers

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I was having sex with a girl last night. We did it doggy style and it lasted one hour and thirty minutes...
That's four and a half minutes in human time

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Near my house lives a really hot deaf girl. I often see her walking her dog while I'm out walking mine. Wanting to start a conversation, I started learning sign language. I tried to learn 'You are beautiful and I'd love to take you out for dinner.'

That was hard, so I trained my dog to shag hers and I just pointed

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I was unable to satisfy the girlfriend in bed last night, so after a big fall-out, she ended up in the spare room, finishing herself off with a vibrator.
I hate having to go out to work after we have a night like that.
It takes me twenty minutes to get the battery back in the car.

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Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex."I think my 'member' is too small for my wife's minge" he says.The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.Aaaahhh. There's your problem, Lager It shrinks things down below like your cock, you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big
smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks
him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
"No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager and her minge fits perfect!"

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I went to a Chinese massage parlour.
Beautiful Chinese lady started to massage my chest.
Slowly the towel started to rise.
O she said as she whipped the towel away.
I see you want wankee.
Yes please I replied all exited.
10 minutes later she put her head round the door and said.
Have you finished yet.

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Women constantly carry on about how they can fake an orgasm for the sake of the relationship....
But we all know the real heroes are men.
We can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm..

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JOCK got arrested in Switzerland for murder today.... JOCK said to the police, "I thought assisted suicide wasn't against the law here?"
The officer replied, "Under Swiss law, assisted suicides require medical supervision. You strangled your wife as soon as the plane touched down.

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I was driving through an industrial estate today and I saw a big sign that said "Joe's Tool Works".
I thought, "So does mine but I don't put up a big f***ing sign bragging about it."

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Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down,
'I don't know.
You put down, ˜Neither do I".

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