danw 1,748 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 Oh come on she's fae Aberdeen......happy that a mans looked at her and not a sheep for a change ....But how ironic she's met and married a Welshman....... I haven't met a Scotswoman yet who doesn't go all weak at the knees & moist at the sound of a Welsh accent. It's like a dowsing rod for Scottish fanny juice.. Well i'll test that statement next weekend in reverse when i hit the bright lights of Cardiff........ Oh and dont flatter yourself with the 'moist' bit....thats just all the spitting you lot do when pronouncing your local villages..... You'll probably find the local girls very accommodating.. Obviously i have been going with the girl for 11 years now so any speaking to Welsh girls will be on a flirting basis only.............. In the 11 years with your girl how many punctures has she had :D Quote Link to post Share on other sites
danw 1,748 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 9 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas. I know, I pulled them off my cat and it's never been the same since. Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids? When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing. "Dancing," she replied. The first school disco I went to, I got f*****g expelled. Cigarettes are just like weasels. Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and try to set fire to them... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Malt 379 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 Cigarettes are just like weasels. Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and try to set fire to them... Best joke I've heard in ages! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rocky1 942 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 In my bedroom gettin a blowjob,[bANNED TEXT] I heard someone runnin up my stairs.I had just enough time to get her hidden, My wife stormed in, looking absolutely furious"I can't believe you been gettin head off my f****n nana"she snarled. What dya mean babe?I said."Av not dun anythin"She said "Your dick is still hard.I said"So what does that prove?I could've been having a wank"She said,"What with false teeth round ya cock Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rocky1 942 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 I Like My Women How I Like My Whisky '16' Years Old... Full Of Coke! House party- always one left over in the morning! Lying on the floor behind the sofa, f****n legless can't stand! Asked where he lived so dragged him up, pulled him down the path to the car, f****n legs all over the place! Chucked him in the car and took him home! Dragged him up to his house and knocked on the door! Brought your son home from the party! His mum replies" did you bring his wheelchair?" Dave is a taxi driver who loves to run over pakis and listen to the thud. One day he picks up a little old lady. He's driving along with her in the back when a paki runs out in front of him. Remembering his fare, Dave swerves and misses the paki but still hears a thud. Confused but polite he turns to the old lady and says 'sorry love, i almost ran over that paki'. She says 'thats ok son, i got the c**t with the door! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rocky1 942 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 I went to Bangcok for a testicle operation. The nurse cupped my balls and she said "don't worry, its normal to get an erection when doing this". I said "I haven't got an erection", she replied "I have" My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once." At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!" "Give me an example," she replied."Well, while I was f*****g you last night, I was thinking about your friend." A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you.""Why, because you miss me?""No, because it keeps me from coming too fast." A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you.""Why, because you miss me?""No, because it keeps me from coming too fast." Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellies and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise, but they won't take it up the arse cause it 'hurts'. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
scothunter 12,609 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 lol@paki one Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rocky1 942 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 Farmer wrote 2 his son in jail "This year I won't b able 2 plant potatoes coz I can't dig th ground,I know if u were here u wud help me" Th son wrote:"Dad don't think of diggin th ground coz that's where I buried th guns' Police reads th letter&the next day, th ground was dug by police lookin for guns but nowt was found. Next day the son wrote again"Now plant your potatoes dad,it's the best I cud do from here! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rocky1 942 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 Two puffs meet in a nightclub and go home for some sex, before they get home one puff says "ive got lennox Lewis tattood on one arse cheek and mike Tyson on the other" ....."f**k that" says the other puff, "im not getting in the ring with them two" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ulverston moocher 60 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 The wife bought me alovely new rolex for my 40th birthday do you like it ? she asked yeh its great I said and it will allways remind me of ya pussy. she laughed and said is that because its exclusive and sexy. I replied nah its because its a bit loose around the wrist. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ulverston moocher 60 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 My wife came down from having a shower the outher night she winked at me and said " I've just shaved my fanny, you know what that means!" I said "yes, the f*****g plug holes blocked again!" 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
danw 1,748 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded badger on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its f*****g nose." A middle-aged woman reads that vaginas get wider and deeper with age. So she tries to check her own by stripping off, putting a mirror on the floor and spreading her legs over it. Suddenly, her husband comes in and grabs her arm, violently pulling her away from where the mirror is laying. "You could have broken my arm!" she shouts at him. He points at the mirror and says "But if you'd fallen down that hole, you would have broken your neck." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mat the bear 7 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 i was in the pub celebrating winning 8 million quid on the lottery when my ex wife walked in and demanded half. i said sure its the least i can do, she said what!? are you serious? oh thank you so much. alright love f*cking calm down. Fosters or carling 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
steve66 3,086 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 Every little thing my girlfriend does is magic. So I had her burned at the stake. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jasper65 6 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, youwould have £49.00 today. If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have£33.00 today. If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, youwould have £0.00 today. But, if you had purchased£1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be British!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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