A bollocking from the Mrs.

[jukel123 10,254]

I was happily retired, unexpectedly unretired for a few months , back home and now bored stiff.

So I was thinking about getting a lamping dog. I was forbidden. Bitch.

So she overheard a phone conversation about me and a pal buying a shrimping boat, just to fish locally in decent weather conditions. She went f****n ballistic.

"How old are you? You're not twenty any more you know. You've just buggered off for months and left me recovering from an operation.

Er no. You had your sister and your mate  a nurse staying here. Part of the reason I took off.

You're a f****n idiot! ( you can take the girl out of Salford, but you can't take Salford out of the girl) you just take off when you feel like it!

Talk sense woman. Do I drink? Do I gamble? Do I smoke? Do I play away?

Do I do any of those things? You think you're a bloody hero you do. I've never hit you will come next.

Well I haven't.  

Aye because I'd hit yer back.

Then she hits me with ballistic missile.

What about that time you left me in Corfu?

Explanation. We stayed in a fishing  village in Corfu . One night I got talking to some Egyptian Fishermen on their boat . Next thing I know I decided to go fishing with them..all night. Just a spur of the moment, f**k it, reckless thing.

I sent a message with an English speaking  kid we knew, to tell her I wouldn't be back until morning but damn me the message was never delivered. 

So I fished with these guys in my man from Del Monte tourist gear...white grandad T shirt and white linen trousers. It was balmy, big moon, a soft med breeze ,plenty of fish. I'll never forget it.

Next morning I came back to our accommodation.  The rest is best not repeated. Suffice to say she has nursed that grievance for 40 years. She hasn't recycled it for a few years but brought it out for an airing , just to let me know she hasn't forgotten it. Bitch.

OK, OK, I 'll sit in my chair and grow old. 

You are old!

So I bring out the line that sends her f****n daft.

" Good things of day  begin to droop and drowse

While Nights black agents to their preys do rouse"

Think you're bloody Tarzan don't you ? You're a legend, some poacher/ backwoodsman/ rebel in your own head. Not in mine! Creeping around in the dark , me not knowing  where you are. I'm sick to death of yer.

I was going to tell her to SHUT THE f**k UP! Honest!  But noticed she had gone from red in the face to white.

Time to back off smartish.

 

 

Edited 18 hours ago by jukel123

[mackem 31,629]

[chartpolski 29,562]

I know the feeling

My missus insists on reminding me that I’m 73, not 23 !

Usually when I tell her I’m going lamping with my p***y pal, or when I’m going coursing with my pal who is literally a third of my age, or when I say I’m going for a drink with my nephew and his ultra pals before a match !

She never mentions it when she tells me to get in the loft to fix a dripping ball valve, or go up two storeys on a ladder to clean the gutters.

And she doesn’t see the joke when I say we’ve been  married almost 50 years and even the train robbers and murderers didn’t get that long !

Cheers.

[mackem 31,629]

27 minutes ago, jukel123 said:

I was happily retired, unexpectedly unretired for a few months , back home and now bored stiff.

So I was thinking about getting a lamping dog. I was forbidden. Bitch.

So she overheard a phone conversation about me and a pal buying a shrimping boat, just to fish locally in decent weather conditions. She went f****n ballistic.

"How old are you? You're not twenty any more you know. You've just buggered off for months and left me recovering from an operation.

Er no. You had your sister and your mate  a nurse staying here. Part of the reason I took off.

You're a f****n idiot! ( you can take the girl out of Salford, but you can't take Salford out of the girl) you just take off when you feel like it!

Talk sense woman. Do I drink? Do I gamble? Do I smoke? Do I play away?

Do I do any of those things? You think you're a bloody hero you do. I've never hit you will come next.

Well I haven't.  

Aye because I'd hit yer back.

Then she hits me with ballistic missile.

What about that time you left me in Corfu?

Explanation. We stayed in a fishing  village in Corfu . One night I got talking to some Egyptian Fishermen on their boat . Next thing I know I decided to go fishing with them..all night. Just a spur of the moment, f**k it, reckless thing.

I sent a message with an English speaking  kid we knew, to tell her I wouldn't be back until morning but damn me the message was never delivered. 

So I fished with these guys in my man from Del Monte tourist gear...white grandad T shirt and white linen trousers. It was balmy, big moon, a soft med breeze ,plenty of fish. I'll never forget it.

Next morning I came back to our accommodation.  The rest is best not repeated. Suffice to say she has nursed that grievance for 40 years. She hasn't recycled it for a few years but brought it out for an airing , just to let me know she hasn't forgotten it. Bitch.

OK, OK, I 'll sit in my chair and grow old. 

You are old!

So I bring out the line that sends her f****n daft.

" Good things of day  begin to droop and drowse

While Nights black agents to their preys do rouse"

Think you're bloody Tarzan don't you ? You're a legend, some poacher/ backwoodsman/ rebel in your own head. Not in mine! Creeping around in the dark , me not knowing  where you are. I'm sick to death of yer.

I was going to tell her to SHUT THE f**k UP! Honest!  But noticed she had gone from red in the face to white.

Time to back off smartish.

 

 

If you’re bored of retirement will she let you get a job collecting supermarket trolleys in a store car-park as befits a man of your dotage?At least she will know your location to the minute and assure her the store has a defibrillator

[jukel123 10,254]

7 minutes ago, mackem said:

If you’re bored of retirement will she let you get a job collecting supermarket trolleys in a store car-park as befits a man of your dotage?At least she will know your location to the minute and assure her the store has a defibrillator

Nah, I'd want to fight  the lazy b*****ds who won't put their trolleys back in the correct spot. And I would lose. f**k you Mack.

[mackem 31,629]

4 minutes ago, jukel123 said:

Nah, I'd want to fight  the lazy b*****ds who won't put their trolleys back in the correct spot. And I would lose. f**k you Mack.

Your retired,take your lady and go somewhere nice and hot,rekindle the romance,have an adventure together,walk on powder white sand down a paradise beach as the sun sets,you still have kick in you,the worlds your oyster,enjoy life,it’s not the number of years you live but the mileage in those years,there’s still fire in you

[jukel123 10,254]

8 hours ago, mackem said:

Your retired,take your lady and go somewhere nice and hot,rekindle the romance,have an adventure together,walk on powder white sand down a paradise beach as the sun sets,you still have kick in you,the worlds your oyster,enjoy life,it’s not the number of years you live but the mileage in those years,there’s still fire in you

Going to Spain tomorrow Mack.

[ZacB 157]

16 minutes ago, jukel123 said:

Going to Spain tomorrow Mack.

I’m intrigued………..with or without her in doors

[Arry 26,755]

All way in the shit, it just varies in depth. Lol.

Cheers Arry

[TOMO 30,323]

You've got to keep getting up in the morning and pushing yourself...to many men retire at 65....sit down then two years later there in the wooden overcoat ...

[mackem 31,629]

2 hours ago, jukel123 said:

Going to Spain tomorrow Mack.

Enjoy the trip,and your good lady,have a chat with her

The thing with you is your a bit different from the norm,you have had an unusual life so your mindset isn’t average,you still have itches you need to scratch

[greg64 3,141]

3 hours ago, jukel123 said:

Going to Spain tomorrow Mack.

go out with the Spanish fishermen on their boat for the night, relive those balmy full moon nights with soft med breeze in your face

[mel b 4,807]

13 hours ago, jukel123 said:

I was happily retired, unexpectedly unretired for a few months , back home and now bored stiff.

So I was thinking about getting a lamping dog. I was forbidden. Bitch.

So she overheard a phone conversation about me and a pal buying a shrimping boat, just to fish locally in decent weather conditions. She went f****n ballistic.

"How old are you? You're not twenty any more you know. You've just buggered off for months and left me recovering from an operation.

Er no. You had your sister and your mate  a nurse staying here. Part of the reason I took off.

You're a f****n idiot! ( you can take the girl out of Salford, but you can't take Salford out of the girl) you just take off when you feel like it!

Talk sense woman. Do I drink? Do I gamble? Do I smoke? Do I play away?

Do I do any of those things? You think you're a bloody hero you do. I've never hit you will come next.

Well I haven't.  

Aye because I'd hit yer back.

Then she hits me with ballistic missile.

What about that time you left me in Corfu?

Explanation. We stayed in a fishing  village in Corfu . One night I got talking to some Egyptian Fishermen on their boat . Next thing I know I decided to go fishing with them..all night. Just a spur of the moment, f**k it, reckless thing.

I sent a message with an English speaking  kid we knew, to tell her I wouldn't be back until morning but damn me the message was never delivered. 

So I fished with these guys in my man from Del Monte tourist gear...white grandad T shirt and white linen trousers. It was balmy, big moon, a soft med breeze ,plenty of fish. I'll never forget it.

Next morning I came back to our accommodation.  The rest is best not repeated. Suffice to say she has nursed that grievance for 40 years. She hasn't recycled it for a few years but brought it out for an airing , just to let me know she hasn't forgotten it. Bitch.

OK, OK, I 'll sit in my chair and grow old. 

You are old!

So I bring out the line that sends her f****n daft.

" Good things of day  begin to droop and drowse

While Nights black agents to their preys do rouse"

Think you're bloody Tarzan don't you ? You're a legend, some poacher/ backwoodsman/ rebel in your own head. Not in mine! Creeping around in the dark , me not knowing  where you are. I'm sick to death of yer.

I was going to tell her to SHUT THE f**k UP! Honest!  But noticed she had gone from red in the face to white.

Time to back off smartish.

 

 

Worst case of pussy whipped I've ever seen to be honest juke .

[jukel123 10,254]

7 minutes ago, mel b said:

Worst case of pussy whipped I've ever seen to be honest juke .

 

7 minutes ago, mel b said:

Worst case of pussy whipped I've ever seen to be honest juke .

I know it mate.

[Halfhound 1,049]

Your first error was to include Mrs Mainwaring in any discussion that involves dogs, boats or horses. It never ends well.