To Cheer You Up A Little...

[The Seeker 3,048]

 

> I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
>
> I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
>
> He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
>
> Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
>
> "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
>
> "Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive
> b*****d."
>
> ________________________________________
>
>
> Went out last night and got really wasted.
>
> I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and
> farting ... so, at least I got home OK.
>
> ________________________________________
>
> The wife's back on the warpath again.
>
> She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was
> suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
>
> ________________________________________
>
> Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
>
> "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
>
> "German," she replies.
>
> "Occupation?
>
> "No, just here for a few days."
>
> ________________________________________
>
> As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking
> Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
>
> "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
>
> The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and
> mutters,
>
> "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
>
> ________________________________________
>
> I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
>
> Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
>
> ________________________________________
>
> After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus
> were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
>
> Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel
> a lot better.
>
> So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
>
> ________________________________________
>
> I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
>
> I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
> not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
>
> Then I remembered - the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
>
> ________________________________________
>
> Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
>
> The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
>
> ________________________________________
>
> I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a
> Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.
>
> Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the
> head with a shovel killing him instantly.
>
> He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
>
> Astonished, I got back into bed.
>
> My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
>
> "You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser
> next door has still got my bloody shovel."
>
> ________________________________________
>
> A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant
> doing the interview says:
>
> "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude
> suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
>
> Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
>
> "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six
> drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
>
> The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
>
> "Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

 

[rizla1 122]

some good ones ther

[bird 10,014]

deff put a on me mug , like the shovel one

[walshie 2,804]

Consider them nicked.

[Deker 3,491]

[The one 8,592]

Nice one

[boyo 1,398]

Defrosting the fridge...?

[sussex 5,803]

Brought a smile to my face after a really shite weekend ....thanks .

[whiteracer 258]

'Too late mate the paper works already done' ??????