B.P.R 2,798 Posted September 23, 2011 Report Share Posted September 23, 2011 (edited) Just been to visit my dad in hospital. Lay in His bed with the baby by his side he says, 'see that man over there who's sleeping' baby looks where he's pointing. 'he shits the bed just like you'. That tickled me but he went on to explain: 'today the nurses came around and put a bed pan under this old feller. He was happy and went back to sleep. An hour later the nurses came back and removed it while he was still sleeping. The guy then wakes up soon after, makes a funny face followed by a grunting noise and then a relieved smile. He says to my dad 'press that buzzer for the nurses please mate'. Nurses come round- ' you can take the bed pan away now I'm done' nurse replied 'we took it away half an hour ago'- 'AWW f**k!!!!!' Dad walks out into the hall and the doctor says 'Oh John, I was just coming in to talk to you' dad replies 'not in there your not, there's shot everywhere' hahahahahaha Oh my god, I was creased up. Edited September 23, 2011 by Veedublee Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rake aboot 4,936 Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 Fucksake ,, hahahhaha,, poor feker !! Nurses are saints though eh ?? they must have some fekin laughs Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jo54 255 Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 when i met simon and stabber :laugh: :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Malt 379 Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 When my mate said if England lost the rugby world cup final in 2007, he'd run round the estate bollock naked.. The springboks won, and he was true to his word.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kay 3,709 Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 For me gas & air when i was in labour, it was brilliant, I ended up with 2 c sections anyway , fighting with my ex over the gas & air , he was higher than me by the time i had to go down to theatre, i can barely remember it but god it made me laugh to the point where the nurses wondered what the hell was going on in there :laugh: I am so glad i had my kids in my 20's with the second one I had a 60 inch waist & hadnt seen my feet for months , huge fat little lump , so when i woke up after the c section apparently I said '' i can see me feet'' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Simoman 110 Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 when i met simon and stabber :laugh: :laugh: Glad we could help :laugh: But you didnt have to keep flinching when i came near you :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
JohnGalway 1,043 Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 Went 3/4 way across the country one time with a fella I used to hang around with to collect a lurcher pup. Pulled up at this fellas gate and the lad rang him from the van as instructed. Yer man comes out "Hold on a minute". Goes behind a wall and pulls on a long chain that's going through a wall, then secures it. Into the yard we walk. "Can't handle that lad any other way" pointing to a rather large, rather pissed off rotty. "Too many break in's stealing dogs". Off we head behind the house, covered yard divided up into sheds with a covered walkway between them. Got shown some lovely rotty pups, very well bred. Before we headed down to the lurchers "Stay to the left on the way down here, and keep the hands in the pockets". Ok, when in Rome... Down we go, then I hear it. Scratch, scratch, scratch, thump, thump, thump... It's coming, and fast from behind a weldmesh and timber door to the right of the walk way. Then BANG! "Alice", a huge foaming monster rotty hits the mesh and the froth hits the far side of the passageway We're down at the lurchers for ages while the other lad is deciding, finally picking a bitch pup. An hour has passed and some things have been forgotten by certain people it seems... On the way up the passageway the owner is in the lead carrying the pup, then the fella I was with, then me. Scratch, scratch, scratch, go the claws looking for grip on the timber floor, thump, thump, thump comes "Alice"... Just as she hits the mesh door I grab the lad in front of me under the arms... "RAAAAAAAAAAAAR!" Jumped about two feet and screamed like a girl 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nik_B 3,791 Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 Went 3/4 way across the country one time with a fella I used to hang around with to collect a lurcher pup. Pulled up at this fellas gate and the lad rang him from the van as instructed. Yer man comes out "Hold on a minute". Goes behind a wall and pulls on a long chain that's going through a wall, then secures it. Into the yard we walk. "Can't handle that lad any other way" pointing to a rather large, rather pissed off rotty. "Too many break in's stealing dogs". Off we head behind the house, covered yard divided up into sheds with a covered walkway between them. Got shown some lovely rotty pups, very well bred. Before we headed down to the lurchers "Stay to the left on the way down here, and keep the hands in the pockets". Ok, when in Rome... Down we go, then I hear it. Scratch, scratch, scratch, thump, thump, thump... It's coming, and fast from behind a weldmesh and timber door to the right of the walk way. Then BANG! "Alice", a huge foaming monster rotty hits the mesh and the froth hits the far side of the passageway We're down at the lurchers for ages while the other lad is deciding, finally picking a bitch pup. An hour has passed and some things have been forgotten by certain people it seems... On the way up the passageway the owner is in the lead carrying the pup, then the fella I was with, then me. Scratch, scratch, scratch, go the claws looking for grip on the timber floor, thump, thump, thump comes "Alice"... Just as she hits the mesh door I grab the lad in front of me under the arms... "RAAAAAAAAAAAAR!" Jumped about two feet and screamed like a girl Ha ha you cruel git!!! I was working in the desert and we had loads of those horrible camel spiders on the rig site. I was stepping carefully out of my cabin one night and saw one leg it past, I stept backwards to give it a wide birth and this Algerian guy pinched me on the ankle....I must have lept a foot in the air Quote Link to post Share on other sites
martnmagik 68 Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 watching the birth of my second son and my (ex)mrs shitting herself through pushing so hard. and asking if its a boy or girl Quote Link to post Share on other sites
artic 595 Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 Watching a female getting spray tanned five times 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,592 Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 We were out lamping one night and got to the end of the field and there two gates tied together and loose as feck i said im no climbing over that it will rattle like feck and wake the dead ,i handed my rifle to my mate and went to go to the left of the gate and cross the fence there i took one step and was in a bramble covered ditch up to my arm pits the guy holding the lamp was laughing so much he couldn't help me climb out Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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