baw 4,360 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 paddys drunk as f**k he meets a prostitute up a dark alley. He asks how much for full sex. '20 euro' she whispers 'Ok.' says Paddy an they get down to business. Next min a cop appears and shines his torch in their faces, 'Wots goin on here?' he asks. 'Nothing Officer, I'm just having sex with my wife.' 'Sorry Sir,' apologises the cop, 'I didn't know it was your wife.' Paddy shouts, 'Neither did I till you shone ur f****n torch in her face!' 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
baw 4,360 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 At this years womens conference, the 1st speaker from canada stood up and said last yr we spoke bout bein more assertive . So i told my husband i wont cook 4 him . 2 days past and i saw nothin . On the third day he made a lovely roast . The crowd clapped and cheered. The 2nd speaker from france told her husband she wud no longer do his laundry . For 2 days i saw nothing then on the 3rd day not only did he do his own laundry he did mine aswell. The crowd clapped and cheered . The third speaker from glasgow stood up an said i telt ma man that i widnae dae his cookin , cleanin or shoppin and that he wid hiftae dae it himsel . Efter the 1st day i saw nothin, efter the 2nd day i saw nothin . But efter the 3rd day , i cud see a wee bit oot a ma left eye .. 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
baw 4,360 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Boy says 2 his mum "i've got the biggest penis in nursery is that coz im a glaswegian?" "No!" she reply's "thats coz you're 28 & a f*****g retard, now eat ur beans properly, your getting them all down your new rangers top! 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stealthy1 3,964 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 treated my family to a day out to a safari park the other day, and I decided to bite the bullet and go through 'Monkeyland', assuming the car would be fine. Typical luck though, one of the little prats stole a windscreen wiper, hubcap and my front numberplate! Anyway, we got through the rest of Birmingham with no problems, got to the safari park and had a good day 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
marky b 309 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 2 eggs boiling in a pan 1 says to the other ooh it's hot in here ain't it. The other says that's nothing in a minute they'll drag you out cave ya head in with a spoon Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lab 10,979 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 2 eggs boiling in a pan 1 says to the other ooh it's hot in here ain't it. The other says that's nothing in a minute they'll drag you out cave ya head in with a spoon Leave!!!!! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
marky b 309 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 2 eggs boiling in a pan 1 says to the other ooh it's hot in here ain't it. The other says that's nothing in a minute they'll drag you out cave ya head in with a spoon Leave!!!!! i knew you'd like that one lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
willum 89 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs." "That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?" "I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase." My Jimmy Saville advent calendar is shit. The flaps only open from 1-16 I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my wife calls her a whore. Father Christmas will not be visiting Stoke Mandeville hospital this year. "The thought of another white-haired old man emptying his sack on the children's ward is too much." Said one nurse. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,397 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Xmas Drinking Warning Just Released Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys Rum and ice will ruin your liver . Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart . gin and ice will ruin your brain . Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth. there you have it ICE is Fecking lethal ,warn all your friends .lay off the ice just drink it straight !! forward this immediately could save a life!! .And don't forget what it did to the fecking Titanic Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mad al 146 Posted December 21, 2012 Report Share Posted December 21, 2012 One day, a mum was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage-S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She showed it to her husband. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well Tom, what should we do about him..?" The dad looked at her and said, "Well, whatever you do, don't f*****g spank him..!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
baw 4,360 Posted December 21, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 21, 2012 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bob.243 7,540 Posted January 6, 2013 Report Share Posted January 6, 2013 A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m final. I laughed "Over in 9.5 seconds"? "No" she said "Eight black men and a gun". 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RossM 7,979 Posted January 6, 2013 Report Share Posted January 6, 2013 A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m final. I laughed "Over in 9.5 seconds"? "No" she said "Eight black men and a gun". That really wasn't worth trawling through all the boards, to find this thread to post that joke, Quote Link to post Share on other sites
graham4877 1,181 Posted January 6, 2013 Report Share Posted January 6, 2013 A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m final. I laughed "Over in 9.5 seconds"? "No" she said "Eight black men and a gun". :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
KingKong 44 Posted January 6, 2013 Report Share Posted January 6, 2013 dads cooking deer for dinner,kids say what you cooking dad, dad says il give you a clue mum calls me this, one of the kids shout err dont eat that its a f*****g prick Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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