baw 4,360 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 The BBC have a new show starting next month called ''I'm a Child . . Get this Celebrity out of me!'' Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more - my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived! Getting old is a terrible thing. This morning I went upstairs then forgot why. So I went back down to try and jog my memory. That's when I shit myself! Just driving by Brixton prison and saw a knotted sheet with a dwarf climbing out of one of the windows. My mate said, "f**k me. Look at that midget." I said, "That's a little con descending." I've opened a bakery recently and a lady phoned me up, wanting a cake with 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY I SUCK COCKS' written on it. I thought it was weird but made it anyway. Mrs Cox was f*****g furious when I delivered it. So was her son, Isaac. A woman just come upto me with an unlit cigarette in her mouth and asked. Have you got a light cock,? I said well it floats in the bath My wife just asked me if her Appendix scar made her look unattracive. Apparently the response of, "Don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't what she was expecting ! This is why there are no male agony aunts: Dear Jeff, last week I left for work as normal but having only gone a mile my car broke down so I walked home again & arriving unexpectedly I found my 16yr old babysitter handcuffed to the bed in her school uniform with my husband bent over her! I am devastated can you help ? Dear Sally... A common cause for this is dirt in your carburettor don't let your fuel drop 2 low in the tank hope this helps ...Jeff 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bob.243 7,540 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,397 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,397 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 went to the shop the other day and four coloured lads over the road shouted ,Hey white boy i like your Gay shirt .I said 100% cotton mate , tell your granddad thanks 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stealthy1 3,964 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
baw 4,360 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 3 bodys turn up at mortuary all with smiles on their faces. Cop asks coroner, 'Why R they all smiling?' Coroner says '1st guy died of heart attack shaggin his wife, hence his smile. 2nd guy won lottery, spent it on whisky & died of alcohol poisoning, hence his smile. 3rd guy was unusual - Paddy from Belfast, struck by lightening!' Cop asks 'Why the f**k was he smiling?' Coroner replies, 'Twat thought he was havin his photo taken!' 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stealthy1 3,964 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot". ... She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stealthy1 3,964 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 That Rio Ferdinand money throwing incident wouldn't have happened at Anfield.... You'd never injure someone by throwing a Giro at them. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
baw 4,360 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Speaker at a dinner opens up with "all Catholics are f****n' arseholes!". Guy at at the back shouts "I'm offended by that remark!". Speaker says "sorry ... are you a Catholic?". Wee guy says "naw! Am a f****n' arsehole!". A Polish bloke drinks his beer and throws his glass into the air, pulls a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces, saying "In Poland our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice!" A Pakistani impressed by this, drinks his beer throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots his glass to pieces & says, "In Pakistan we have so much sand to make glasses we don't need to drink out of the same glass either!" Jimmy the Scotsman, not to be outdone, drinks his pint, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his Pump-action Shotgun and blows the shit out of the Pole & the Paki, then catches his glass and says "In Scotland we've got that many Poles & Pakis that we don't have to drink wi the same c**t twice!" 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,397 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Things you can only say at Christmas Tying the legs together keeps the insides moist. I have never seen a better spread I fancy a bit of dark meat for a change . Get the butter well rubbed into the breast's Its a bit dry do you still want to eat it ?. Ive been gobbling nuts all morning . Thats the biggest bird i have ever stuffed . 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,397 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Father O'Reilly let the kids of the parish shave his hair off for charity ,Afterwards when asked how it felt he said .....It feels a bit strange but i think it make's my cock look bigger !!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,397 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 I walked into my mums bedroom and under the bed i saw a suitcase , half open .My curiosity got the better of me so i opened the case in it was a leather mask, a leather cape , crutch less leather shorts and a leather whip . I couldn't believe it . My mum ! A super Hero 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
baw 4,360 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Four Jamaicans were sitting around a campfire near the beach. They were all philosophising on what was the fastest thing in the world. Seymour said, " Me tink de fasses ting is a thought, because [bANNED TEXT] u can tink it, it already thought." Winston said, " Nah man, da fassess ting is a blink, cos [bANNED TEXT] you tink 2 blink you dun blink already." Delroy said, " No man, da fassess ting is helectricity becas when you turn on de light it travel fass and de lite come on." Leroy say, " Nah man, You is aaaaaaalll wrong man!!! I knows dat for a Fact dat De fassess ting in de world most definite is diarrhoea, Cos las nite [bANNED TEXT] i could tink, blink, or switch on de lite, Me shit meself!! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
baw 4,360 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Banned word is before lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
baw 4,360 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I shld b in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing wld happen." "I should b in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'. "I should b in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal. All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated and the blood was toxic. They all decided the rectum shld b the boss. The moral of the story? Even though all the others do all the work ....... The arse hole is usually in charge! 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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