christian71 3,187 Posted July 12, 2012 Report Share Posted July 12, 2012 I saw this girl crying in a pub, so I went up to her and asked what was wrong. "I split up with my boyfriend, because he's a sexist pig." "I'm a great listener, if you want to tell me more," I replied. "You don't even know me," she cried, "why would you want to listen to me?" "Because you have massive tits." "Happy 18th son! All these presents are just for you!" After ripping them open excitedly, he said "Dad, all these boxes are empty..." "I know. Use them to pack your things and get the f**k out." I ran into the vets this morning and said to the blonde receptionist, "Quick, I think my daughter's hamster is in serious trouble." "Hamster?" she laughed. "That's a snake." I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what f*****g hit it. I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website. That lying bitch isn't, "Fun to be around." A female golfer was stung by a wasp whilst on the front nine. The caring husband says when she returns home "Oh, where did it get you?" "Between the first and second hole," the wife replies. "I'd say your stance is too wide then," the husband replies. A policeman pulled me over last night. After blowing well over the drink drive limit, he said to me, "Where have you been tonight?" "To the pub," I replied, "I had six pints and thought it would be ok to drive, I only live around the corner." "What should you have done when you came out of the pub?" he asked. "f*****g turned right." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mushroom 14,245 Posted July 12, 2012 Report Share Posted July 12, 2012 ""I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what f*****g hit it."" In fookin stiches at this pmsl :laugh: 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
scothunter 12,609 Posted July 12, 2012 Report Share Posted July 12, 2012 Very funny. Laughed at them all Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2012 Very funny. Laughed at them all I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's on its last legs now Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2012 I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me. "Fancy buying me a drink?" She said, "Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose." "Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?" "Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best." "Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me." So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate." 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BEARINATOR 2,924 Posted July 12, 2012 Report Share Posted July 12, 2012 :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,594 Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,594 Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 Just received this text but don't know if its a scam or not . Congratulations you have won a £250 voucher or tickets to a Elvis tribute concert.Press 1 for the money 2 for the show . Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police ,Mick what if one explodes before we get there?.Paddy we will say we only found 2 . My fetish for shagging rotten fish is getting out of hand,Im in a bad Plaice at the moment My three year old grandson was trying to open a yoghurt this morning .After a few minutes he started getting stressed out and said ,"Stupid twatting f****n lid ". My wife looked at me and said ,wheres he got that from ?. The Fecking fridge you thick c*nt got a call from a Paki mate who said he was going to end it all .He was going to pour a galleon of petrol over himself and light a match .I said to him "Ahmed its at times like this you need all your family round you Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dytkos 17,982 Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 Very good (about time mind ) Cheers, D. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
pip1968 2,490 Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 2 afghan women in burkas trying rucksacks on when 1 turns looks at her mate and says does my bomb look big in this Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brockdog 285 Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,594 Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I have not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your will power' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'Sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you'll lose it eventually ' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I walked past an aboriginal kid apparently begging at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any Change' I said 'Nope! You're still Black' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting six Inches tonight..... I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is wrong?? The boy says Me ma is dead Oh bejaysus the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?’ The boy replies ‘No thanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I?’ The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ye don’t kid me ye flash b*****d. You're in that feckin basket’. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
scothunter 12,609 Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 Lol 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MoChara 1,632 Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 Here's one for you's Women are the best Engines because, it accepts any size of Piston, they are self Lubricating, starts up with one finger, and gives itself an automatic oil change every 4 weeks Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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