Matt3699 142 Posted January 8, 2013 Report Share Posted January 8, 2013 To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TOMO 29,744 Posted January 8, 2013 Report Share Posted January 8, 2013 Very funny,,, but no 10 they could have used a better example of a terrible British accent,,,, the black guy in oceans 11. Don cheadle,,, Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Born Hunter 17,975 Posted January 8, 2013 Report Share Posted January 8, 2013 What about Kevin Costner in Prince of Thieves! Did he even attempt to sound British? If that ever did get sent, it would be because the yanks told us to do it! Any delay would be due to us asking for their preference of delivery. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TOMO 29,744 Posted January 8, 2013 Report Share Posted January 8, 2013 Or even worse than Costner , was Russell crow in the latest robin hood, he tried to do a Nottingham accent,,, should have had me do it,,, mi duck Quote Link to post Share on other sites
skycat 6,174 Posted January 8, 2013 Report Share Posted January 8, 2013 OMG! I can just see you as Robin Hood, Tomo: though wouldn't you be better off playing Friar Tuck :tongue2: :tongue2: 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Born Hunter 17,975 Posted January 8, 2013 Report Share Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) :laugh: @ skycat I'm sure you were second on Ridley Scotts list Tomo! Edited January 8, 2013 by Born Hunter 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TOMO 29,744 Posted January 8, 2013 Report Share Posted January 8, 2013 Yeh I might need to loose the odd pound,,, but I'm like rob de Niro ,,,,method actor,,,plus im better looking than crow Quote Link to post Share on other sites
whippet 99 2,613 Posted January 8, 2013 Report Share Posted January 8, 2013 OMG! I can just see you as Robin Hood, Tomo: though wouldn't you be better off playing Friar Tuck :tongue2: :tongue2: thats quite funny for you lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The Seeker 3,048 Posted January 8, 2013 Report Share Posted January 8, 2013 Or even worse than Costner , was Russell crow in the latest robin hood, he tried to do a Nottingham accent,,, should have had me do it,,, mi duck Surely no one can top Dick Van Dykes cockney accent in Mary Poppins. A master class in method acting if ever there was one Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Brewman 1,192 Posted January 8, 2013 Report Share Posted January 8, 2013 How about that tosser Cruise as a west of Ireland farmer in Far and Away or Brad Pitt in Snatch. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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