jokes

[nod 285]

a 6 yr old girl went to the zoo with her mother and saw 2 monkeys having sex! she asked her mother what they wer doing? and she replied "making cakes" the next morning the girl said to her mother "you and daddy wer making cakes last night" and her mother said "how do you know"?,"because the dog licked the icing off the sofa"!!

 

 

As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself "I really need to shave my arse."

 

 

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

 

 

I walked in from work today to see my wife having a drink with her mates.

"Hello my cuddly bear," she giggled to me, as she turned to her friends. "We have pet names for each other you know, don't we Dave?"

"Yes fat c**t," I replied.

 

The missus came with me to walk the dogs this morning. She suddenly stopped and took off one of her shoes, complaining about a stone in it!! I said, "There's about 20 stone in the other one so stop moaning and hurry up you fat bitch!!"

 

 

I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."

He said, "The station?"

"Well, I'm a bit late for the f*****g war aint i."

 

 

My wife's been complaining for hours about toothache. She's been going on and on about the pain, and how much she's afraid of the dentist.

I'd had enough, so I got a pair of pliers, stood on her forehead and yanked the f****r out.

Let's see how much moaning she can do without a tongue.

[secretagentmole 1,701]

How do you circumsise a whale?

 

Send down four skin divers.....

 

 

 

 

What has 1200 balls and screws rabbits????

 

A shotgun cartridge!!!!!

[christian71 3,187]

I went to the doctor because of a problem with my cock. When I showed it to him, he said, "Wow, that is really throbbing. Is it sex related?" I said, "Yes Doc. It's the wife's fault." He winked and said, "She must've ridden you like a racehorse!" "Not exactly," I said, "She walked in on me having a wank and I slammed the laptop shut on my dick."

[christian71 3,187]

I walked out of the Job Centre last week after signing on.

 

Some guy across the road jeered, "Hey! You, you lazy c**t. How come you can't get a job, eh? I have two!"

 

I said, "I think you've just answered your own question there, you Polish b*****d!"

[christian71 3,187]

Maybe a bit close to the bone but feck it here go's

 

 

I met a girl in the park last night. We got chatting, and things were going well, so I thought I'd try my luck.

 

I said, "Simon says take your top off." Off it came.

 

"Simon says take off your bra." Out came the tits.

 

After I'd groped them for a while, I said, "Simon says get naked and bend over."

 

I f****d her hard up the arse and came inside her. I then pulled up my pants and walked one way, as she ran off the other way, screaming.

 

It's great having a knife called Simon.

[jasper65 6]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,

went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls

would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher looking after the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet

when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could

reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their

underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their

willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually

well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher

said, "You must be in year four".

"No, love" he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

[scothunter 12,609]

a paki dies and goes to heaven,st peter says to him."oh this is only for christians"

paki says "i gave 2grand to christian aid last week"peter says hang on ill go see the boss,came back 5mins later and says "heres your 2grand back,now f**k off"

[boyo 1,398]

real made up last night the wife finally agreed to try anal sex but what the feck is a strap on lol.

[cragman 2,843]

I was stood at the urinal having a piss when I looked down to see a dwarf standing next to me, winking. I looked away, then looked back at him and he winked again. I said, "Are you winking at me you queer short arsed fecker?" He repied,"No, you twat, you're splashing me".