Having a laugh at work

[TOMO 29,230]

11 hours ago, jukel123 said:

I used to work for a building company.

The owner was a really decent bloke. Paid top dollar and, unless you took the piss was very easy going . He did us lots of favours and in return we grafted away without supervision. 

So his son fresh from uni with a Micky Mouse  degree joins the firm.

He decided he would fix what wasn't broken. 

His big idea was to introduce a clocking on machine. " To improve efficiency ."

The first week it was kicked off its fixings. Only to be re_fixed.

The second week it was placed in a barrel of water and was rendered knackered.

A new machine was bought  and he threatened us with dire warnings if it was damaged.

It mysteriously ended up in the boss's home garden pond .

The son gave up after that, and in a special meeting, said he'd  had a  " major rethink" and sheepily apologised for the " confusion".

 

 

 

I would love to do that with our cameras in our vans...watching us and the road....and this light foot system that monitors your driving....f***ing thing thing actually talks to you.....telling you to slow down...take it easy....joining a motorway is worse...put your toe down to join safety and it has a meltdown gives you penalties on the app thing....drives me nuts

[jukel123 9,776]

7 minutes ago, TOMO said:

I would love to do that with our cameras in our vans...watching us and the road....and this light foot system that monitors your driving....f***ing thing thing actually talks to you.....telling you to slow down...take it easy....joining a motorway is worse...put your toe down to join safety and it has a meltdown gives you penalties on the app thing....drives me nuts

That's Orwellian mate.

[TOMO 29,230]

2 minutes ago, jukel123 said:

That's Orwellian mate.

I know mate.....the face of capitalism...power to the people mate....lol

[jukel123 9,776]

Just now, TOMO said:

I know mate.....the face of capitalism...power to the people mate....lol

Glad you've converted bud.

[WILF 51,092]

2 hours ago, TOMO said:

I would love to do that with our cameras in our vans...watching us and the road....and this light foot system that monitors your driving....f***ing thing thing actually talks to you.....telling you to slow down...take it easy....joining a motorway is worse...put your toe down to join safety and it has a meltdown gives you penalties on the app thing....drives me nuts

I remember years ago they put trackers on all the big removal firms lorry’s to monitor their movements etc 

Now, removal work pays very badly in order that lads do overtime because obviously commercial removals is all out of hours, weekends, evenings etc etc so the lads needed to do it to make any decent wage.

If they had a clearance from say a big corporate insurer or similar firm the firm just wanted it cleared and dumped and the removal firm would obviously charge them for that, the lads would supplement their income by swinging by my yard and I’d buy all the good stuff off them…..it was win/win, the stuff was only going to the tip anyway and the lads got a nice few quid in the back pocket and I made a living and the stuff still got cleared.

Anyway, when they put trackers on one of the things that happened was they wanted to stop the lads having their little tickle and monitored if their route deviated, say to my yard, and they got in trouble if it did.

End result was, they lost half their workforce within months because the lads just said “f**k this”……one of the firms which had been one of the biggest in London eventually ended up going skint, all their good blokes who knew the job, the buildings, the facility managers just left ! 
Without the tickle the job just wasn’t worth it…….technology…..some of it all seems like a great idea at the time ! 

Edited 8 hours ago by WILF

[WILF 51,092]

Some things that may be funny to me may not be funny to others but here gos with one:

Years ago I was busy on a couple of things over central and west London and having a fair bit to get through this one day I asked a lad who used to work for me and provide a few blokes for Labour if he had anyone to supplement my normal lads that I had with me……anyway, he says yeah and I land at 5:00 the next morning to lift this lad….he arrives at 5 past so right away I’m in a terrible mood and have already written him off as a wanker, in to the motor climbs this half chat geezer and he says “aright” in that put on slang wog accent.

I can see my normal lads out here corner of my eye grinning to each other…..but I’m now f***ing steaming and don’t say a word to anyone as we travel into London which is about an hour at that time of the morning.

So anyway, we land at the first place I need to go and the first thing this f***ing idiot says as we get out the van is “What time do we normally have breakfast ?” 
Now, I never normally used to stop for food when I was working much preferring to get finished as quick as possible and be home early enough to have a meal with the family….stopping for tea/lunch etc in the day is just a plain waste of f***ing time !

My lads are almost biting their lips trying not to laugh and I’m ready to murder this c**t and we ain’t even started yet……anyway, the morning gos on and all this prick is on about is eating !

Finish at the first place and in the way to the next place I have to be and he is like “Is there a McDonalds ?”………we would be about 30 miles from home at this point, so I say “Yeah, I’ll find one” 

Get to the outskirts of London and there it is, a big McDonalds so I pull in and say “there you go”

Matey says “ Can I have a tenner off my wages and Do you lads want anything ?” So we say “No”

In he trots and I just drive away and leave the useless prick there ! ……his face as he watched the van go past the window was amazing ! lol 

Bloke who sent him phones me about an hour later “Was there a problem with Calvin (or whatever his f***ing name was), he don’t know how he is going to get home” 

So I said “Tell him to f***ing walk !” and put the phone down ! lol 

My lads were crying but I was seething, only a week later after I’d calmed down did I have a giggle about it. 

[TOMO 29,230]

I can picture your chaps sat there....wanting to laugh...brilliant  lol

[jukel123 9,776]

2 hours ago, WILF said:

Some things that may be funny to me may not be funny to others but here gos with one:

Years ago I was busy on a couple of things over central and west London and having a fair bit to get through this one day I asked a lad who used to work for me and provide a few blokes for Labour if he had anyone to supplement my normal lads that I had with me……anyway, he says yeah and I land at 5:00 the next morning to lift this lad….he arrives at 5 past so right away I’m in a terrible mood and have already written him off as a wanker, in to the motor climbs this half chat geezer and he says “aright” in that put on slang wog accent.

I can see my normal lads out here corner of my eye grinning to each other…..but I’m now f***ing steaming and don’t say a word to anyone as we travel into London which is about an hour at that time of the morning.

So anyway, we land at the first place I need to go and the first thing this f***ing idiot says as we get out the van is “What time do we normally have breakfast ?” 
Now, I never normally used to stop for food when I was working much preferring to get finished as quick as possible and be home early enough to have a meal with the family….stopping for tea/lunch etc in the day is just a plain waste of f***ing time !

My lads are almost biting their lips trying not to laugh and I’m ready to murder this c**t and we ain’t even started yet……anyway, the morning gos on and all this prick is on about is eating !

Finish at the first place and in the way to the next place I have to be and he is like “Is there a McDonalds ?”………we would be about 30 miles from home at this point, so I say “Yeah, I’ll find one” 

Get to the outskirts of London and there it is, a big McDonalds so I pull in and say “there you go”

Matey says “ Can I have a tenner off my wages and Do you lads want anything ?” So we say “No”

In he trots and I just drive away and leave the useless prick there ! ……his face as he watched the van go past the window was amazing ! lol 

Bloke who sent him phones me about an hour later “Was there a problem with Calvin (or whatever his f***ing name was), he don’t know how he is going to get home” 

So I said “Tell him to f***ing walk !” and put the phone down ! lol 

My lads were crying but I was seething, only a week later after I’d calmed down did I have a giggle about it. 

Oh very funny. As an employer you had a duty of care to that young man.

He could have had a metabolic disorder which meant he had to eat regularly.

You failed to appreciate that young people are addicted to fast food.

I hope he was in a union. If so the union's lawyers should sue you until the pips squeeze.

Bullying is never acceptable in the workplace.

You were guilty of accent discrimination as soon as the poor young man opened his mouth.

You should be blacklisted as an employer forthwith. 

You are the living embodiment of capitalist mill owners of the past who sometimes, literally worked children to death.

f**k you Wilf. You racist, bigoted, bloated entrepreneur who owes his early retirement to the sweat and exploitation of good honest working men.

Only joking. . You did him a favour. Young men seldom learn by reasonable rules and advice. They have to learn through consequences.

[waltjnr 8,219]

All a bit tame ,70s sit coms were wilder ! Do you all work in libraries? 

[WILF 51,092]

5 minutes ago, waltjnr said:

All a bit tame ,70s sit coms were wilder ! Do you all work in libraries? 

Funny enough, I do !…..but I’m a field marshal in the Sally Army on the side ! lol 

Plus I thought the one about when we was kids on the building site and trapped a spastic then threw another lad in a dark room with him while he went wild may be a bit much for peoples sensibilities !

Edited 1 hour ago by WILF

[jukel123 9,776]

I used to do shutdowns. When firms closed down for holidays we would go in and do all the outstanding  electrical, plumbing, heating jobs. We would also do painting, industrial  cleaning plastering etc.

I had a verbal agreement with the men that at the end of the job, each, regardless of their trade,  would muck in for painting cleaning etc. In return, if we got everything done on time, they would get a massive bonus. That meant I would also get a bonus because I would probably be awarded with the contract the following year.

So two days before we were contracted to finish, a delegation of the guys   came  to me and said they were going to Aintree for the Grand National. They wanted a proportion of their bonus. I said it doesn't work like that. You stay and finish the job or you get nothing. There were a few mutterings and one chap said he would come round to my house for the money. Well that was like pouring petrol on my already flaming brain. The less said the better.

It ended up me and a kid of 16 , who was a kind of step child, finished the job ourselves. We were massively sleep deprived, only sleeping an hour or so at a time. But we finished on time. So I split the bonus with him. 

Some of the guys sidled up to me later and apologised and hoped no bad feelings. I said 'of course not lads'. But I never invited any of them to do shut down work again. Power to the employer!

[WILF 51,092]

Well, I think the moral of this thread for Waltjnr is, you may think our story’s are boring but if you never trapped a spastic…..sit down ! lol 

[WILF 51,092]

5 minutes ago, jukel123 said:

I used to do shutdowns. When firms closed down for holidays we would go in and do all the outstanding  electrical, plumbing, heating jobs. We would also do painting, industrial  cleaning plastering etc.

I had a verbal agreement with the men that at the end of the job, each, regardless of their trade,  would muck in for painting cleaning etc. In return, if we got everything done on time, they would get a massive bonus. That meant I would also get a bonus because I would probably be awarded with the contract the following year.

So two days before we were contracted to finish, a delegation of the guys   came  to me and said they were going to Aintree for the Grand National. They wanted a proportion of their bonus. I said it doesn't work like that. You stay and finish the job or you get nothing. There were a few mutterings and one chap said he would come round to my house for the money. Well that was like pouring petrol on my already flaming brain. The less said the better.

It ended up me and a kid of 16 , who was a kind of step child, finished the job ourselves. We were massively sleep deprived, only sleeping an hour or so at a time. But we finished on time. So I split the bonus with him. 

Some of the guys sidled up to me later and apologised and hoped no bad feelings. I said 'of course not lads'. But I never invited any of them to do shut down work again. Power to the employer!

It wasn’t very funny at the time just funny after  but I had to stop two of my lads kidnapping a drunken Eastern European geezer, who landed outside the door of a building I was clearing, and throwing him on the back of the lorry to make him unload when we got back to the yard……we was in Surrey at the time and my yard was in Essex ! lol 

[gnipper 6,875]

21 hours ago, low plains drifter said:

Thought I had a dried thistle sticking in the back of my leg a few weeks back, when I looked there was wasps stinging me through the mesh vents of my chainsaw strides, a while later another wasp turned me over on the stomach jabbing at me like fury, when you're operating a chainsaw it takes a while to notice such distractions

Been stung a few times hedge cutting at work,  last time was on the throat the stripey little b*****ds.