Old age pensioners behaving badly. Part 3.

[jukel123 9,215]

So finally our stint at Bleak House came to an end. We called into the headmaster's office and given a speech. He said he hoped we had benefited from our stay and learned the error of our ways.  He told us to stick with the Catholic church, join the army and not to buy The Daily Mirror because it was full of lies. He gave us each  a leaving certificate with a ribbon round it. Harry got his first and the headmaster said what do you say? So Harry said " thanks" and mumbled "for nothing". I sniggered and  took mine silently.  The b*****d had presided over a system where the most vulnerable kids were taken out at night and horribly abused and he was standing there thinking we were inferior beings only fit for canon fodder and to read the lies of his tory newspapers.

When we got out the gates we ran laughing with  relieved exhilaration to the train station. 

When I got home I felt like a stranger.  I was a different person. For a start I had had a growth spurt so I was bumping into things. My mother burst into tears. I hadn't seen her for months. I cried too, but it was strange, I was comforting her as the adult and not the other way round. 

What the experience did teach me was self reliance and to steer clear of the law. Fortunately I have, but Harry has twice been in the nick basically for not paying tax. He says he will pay as much as Amazon and not a penny more. But the system doesn't work like that.

Harry has had a rough life,  widowed twice and lost two kids. We' ve never lost touch even though we can go a year without speaking on the phone. As the Pogues  say "I've cried for all his troubles/ smiled at his funny little ways"

So fast forward 60 years and Harry arrived at mine wearing psychedelic shorts and a red 'f**k Starmer' baseball cap. My Mrs had invited old friends to stay so I took the opportunity to escape to Corfu.

When we got to the airport I emptied the huge rucksack my Mrs had packed for me leaving and I took only a few T shirts and shorts . I left my phone in the car as well. I can't get used to carrying them pinging away every five minutes. Harry did the same. I got a holiday rep to text my Mrs to say I had stupidly forgotten my phone but that I would periodically keep in touch via hotel emails.

We had a pint in the airport and a few more besides. I had forgotten about my pissing habit though and I spent most of the flight queuing for the bog. Harry said loudly " here he is again, "Captain incontinent "and then "Private Godfrey "and then "put a jubilee clip on it." To pay him back I asked one of the gay stewards to ask him to be quiet as this stranger was insulting and upsetting me. I could hear his laughter filling the plane.

We got to Corfu and the Greek cop took an age with Harry's passport photo. He has grown a zz top beard and in the photo he was close shaven. Finally he let him through and he let off a long loud fart to show his displeasure. I tried to calm things by saying gastro enteritis, mal gut mauvais belly. Anything I could think off to pacify the cop. When we hot through security we both fell on our knees with uncontrollable laughter.

The plan was to walk the length of the island but we decided f**k it we're too old for the hearty hair shirt game and we went to hire bikes. It turned out it was cheaper to buy a bike. The bike shop owner said he would buy them back from us. So off we went,  we got about a hundred yards when I had to stop with laughter. Harry's fat arse had just about engulfed his thin racing saddle so I said let's go back and get fitted with wide gel saddles.

Off we went through the olive groves singing the old songs from school.

Faith of our fathers holy faith

We will be true to thee till DEATH!!

Men of Harlech

The British grenadier 

We remembered some poetry too and recited " The charge of he light brigade"

Onward onward rode the 600 hundred

Into the valley of death rode the six hundred 

We sang pop songs too... The Who The Stones all the sixties classics. I defy anybody not to be elated riding through the olive Groves with butterflies floating on the light breeze and the din of thousands of cicadas drumming away.

We rode through a village singing loudly and this Greek priest told us to be quiet.  Harry told him to stop sponging ,get a job and a shave. I nearly fell off my bike laughing, particularly as Harry sports a longer beard these days 

That night we stayed in a cheap hotel and hit the bars. We were coming home pissed up when I spotted this gecko on a garden wall. Out of the night this chained dog leapt from his kennel and nailed Harry on the ankle. Once again I was in hysterics at the sight of Harry's big psychedelic shorts crawling  into the dogs kennel to exact revenge on the hapless cur. The owner came out and his Mrs invited us in and bathed his ankle in salt water and put a bandage on. His house was spotless with beautiful marble floors and welcome air con. Lucky b*****d with a house like that looking over the sea.

Next day it was my turn to be in the wars. I overtook Harry and slapped his arse and said " hurry up fat boy". Then karma struck I hit a stone in the road ,lost control and ended up on my back with a screaved back and leg. Again we ended up in uncontrollable laughter.

So we cycled a few hours ,swam in the sea and drank a few hours every day. I went lizard, snake and butterfly hunting and Harry drank some more.

On the last day but one, we were in a raucous Brit bar and got talking to two scouser ladies in their sixties. We drank a lot and Harry said move your stuff out of my room and share with the other bird. So Harry was loved up for 36 hours. I told the woman I shared the room with I had been married for 52 years and therefore not interested. She was a widow and she said she wasn't either. So we had an ouzo and went to sleep.

Next day Harry insisted on giving me detail about his sexual adventures. I had to shut my f****n ears particularly when olive oil lube was mentioned. 75 year olds shagging isn't a nice thought even for fellow 75 year old.

So we went home having laughed non stop for a week. It was a real tonic for us both. 

I fessed up to the Mrs that I had " pulled a young bird and told her the circumstances. She laughed and called Harry a dirty old b*****d.

The end.

Edited July 3 by jukel123

[TOMO 28,302]

That's brilliant...what a story...love it

[Borr 7,570]

Very good,what a boys trip...

[gnipper 6,751]

Rum old fcukers

[jukel123 9,215]

Just though of  a couple more adventures we had.

We were sitting in a taverna drinking g cold Amstel when we noticed a bloke building a brick garden wall. He was like a drunken retarded chimp. He was placing bricks one on top of the other.It would gave fallen down before it was built. So we started again for him  and after an hour or so we were going great guns,stripped to the waist like young fellas. The bloke was delighted and supplying us with  Amstel. After a while the bloke said " go home now rest".

We thought he was joking but twenty minutes went by and he hadn't returned. Flabbergasted we downed tools. Didnt even wash them off. I wrote 'lazy twat 'in wet cement and we collected the bikes and rode off.

When we went to take the bikes back the owner  of the shop offered us 5% of their original cost which was 200 euros. When we complained he upped it to ten per cent. We told him where we would like to shove the bikes. Left the shop and gave them to some down at heel kids. The owner was watching from his shop window so we both gave him a smile and the middle finger.

Definitely the end. Hope you had a laugh.

Edited July 3 by jukel123

[TOMO 28,302]

Like a scene from Auf wiedersain pet....arse cracks and a beer in hand..l

[eastcoast 4,460]

Some great posts recently jukel123, really enjoyed reading them. Thank you. P.S. love the Rainy Night in Soho reference.