Jokes.

[bob.243 9,922]

> Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the
> night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it
> home OK!
>
> The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex
> movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold
> auditions for her part.
>
> I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could
> spell disaster.
>
> My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own
> fault. I should have taken them off.
>
> I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
> "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
>
> After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife
> were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once
> she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought,
> “f**k it, I'll soldier on!”
>
> I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I
> got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
> not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I
> remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
>
> Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the
> fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris
> wheel.
>
> The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I
> told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
>
> My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
> screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b*****d!"
> "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
>
> A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's
> Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No,"
> she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
>
> A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned,
> I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a
> disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous
> brothers.”
>
> A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come
> to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
>
> I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife
> look like she's moving during sex.

[stealthy1 3,964]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husbands point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
... The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

[baw 4,360]

:notworthy:

[The one 8,595]

[patterdale666 1,620]

[j j m 6,627]

ha ha

[dytkos 18,005]

If thats original mate, you have got TALENT!

 

Cheers, D.