christian71 3,187 Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 Old post i liked these jokes Quote Link to post Share on other sites
moxy 617 Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 Lol you may be an idiot but your a funny idiot. Pmsl Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 Lol you may be an idiot but your a good idiot. Pmsl Dont know whether to say thanks or tell you to f**k off Quote Link to post Share on other sites
moxy 617 Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 See it as you like mate. Doesn't change the fact your a fool. Keep em coming. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 See it as you like mate. Doesn't change the fact your a fool. Keep em coming. f**k off it is then Waiting at the lights, I was hit up the arse by a hot blonde with big tits. "Jesus, love" I said, "Do your brakes not work?" "I'm so sorry" she replied, "I'm not insured either. I'm so stupid. I forgot to do it." I was just about to start ranting when she stroked my chest, licked her lips and said, "But I can make it all better, babe. I'm very talented." "Just this once then," I sighed, "but if you weren't a body shop mechanic you'd be in serious trouble." "Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt." I accidentally dialed 999 from my mobile phone last night. So I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice. "There's something I must confess." "Shhh" i said, there's nothing to confess. Everything's all right." "No I must die in peace. I f****d your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you c**t, now close your eyes n f****n die!'' 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 One day a farmer wrote to his son in prison, "Son I won't be able to plant my potatoes this year because I can't dig the holes. I know if you were here, you'd help me." The son sent a reply, "don't even think about diggin them holes pop, cuz that's where I hid the money." The police read the letter, and went to the field and dug all over but never found the money. The next day the son sent another letter, "there pop, plant your seeds. That's the best I can do without being there." 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gratz 8 Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 Two guys in a gym, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!" 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bird 10,017 Posted January 6, 2013 Report Share Posted January 6, 2013 Two guys in a gym, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!" good Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2013 An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "You know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister." 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2013 Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said: "Hang on, I have an idea. He went next door to the butcher's shop, and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said: "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said: "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said: "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in." ........ 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
gnipper 7,143 Posted January 15, 2013 Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 After both suffering depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday, but strangely enough once she jumped off the cliff I felt a lot better....so I thought f**k it I'll soldier on...!! 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
gnipper 7,143 Posted January 15, 2013 Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 My wife went to the doctors to see what the spot was between her tits. She returned home relieved to be told it was her belly button... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2013 A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy (who obviously knows the answer, but wants to know if his dad will give him a proper answer or not) asks, "What are these, Dad?"To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex." Oh I see," boy replied". "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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