deadlyshot 25 Posted September 27, 2011 Report Share Posted September 27, 2011 My Boss said to me,"Why do you come out in a rash every time i give you your wages?" I said"Its because im allergic to f*****g peanuts" Treating the woman to one of those fish home spa treatments. f*****g expensive though... Piranhas ain't cheap! I shoved some grapes up my girlfriends arse during kinky sex last night, she didn't scream or anything... Just let out a little wine. I never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker but when I got home, all the signs were there. So I'm in a the bar and this little Chinese guy is stood at the side of me, so I asked him, "do you know martial arts like Ju-jitsu and Kung Fu?" He asked, "why the f**k you ask me that, is it because I'm Chinese?" I said, "no it's because your drinking my f*****g pint you little c**t." Laying in bed with the wife I looked in her eyes and said "seeing your face reminds me of the lottery." "Because I'm worth millions to you?" she said. "No" I said "I wish you'd f*****g roll over it's kicking off in Dublin now! Paddy's just smashed the screen on his laptop trying to loot Ebay!!!! A mouse finds a viagra tablet on the floor & being a mouse it eats it whole ........ Half an hour later he's roaming the house screamin ' WHERES THE f*****g PUSSY NOW ??? My wife calls my cock "The Firework."Not because it lights up her evening, but because she likes to keep it at arms length since it went off in her face that one time. I was chatting to a bird in a club.She whispered, "Do you fancy coming back to mine, I've got a fanny like a Polo."I said, "Oh yes."When we got back to her place I pulled down her knickers and gasped.She said, "Surprised?"I said, "Totally, I thought you meant the mint not the f*****g car." Today, my mate asked me if I knew the biological word for a swollen vagina. I thought, to myself Thick c**t. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cragman 2,841 Posted September 27, 2011 Report Share Posted September 27, 2011 To the twat in the wheelchair that nicked my camoflaged jacket.....you can hide but you can't run! I said to my lad, "Where you going?" He said "I'm off out to meet a girl", I said "don't forget to wear a...you know" He said, "What?" I said, "you know" He said "Do you mean a condom?" I said "No, a f****n' hat you ginger cnut". Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mackay 3,612 Posted September 29, 2011 Report Share Posted September 29, 2011 Police stopped an asian man in Birmingham spotted driving a brand new BMW, after checking the vehicle it was found not to be stolen was insured and taxed and was in fact registered to the driver who was in turn checked out and was found to have a valid driving licence and passport and was here legally. He had a job and further checks found he had no criminal history or outstanding warrants. He was subsequently charged with wasting polce time. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
deadlyshot 25 Posted October 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2011 A man tells his wife "When you take your bra off, you look 10 years younger." "Do I?" says the wife, smiling. "Absolutely - your tits sag so much they pull the wrinkles out of your face." My mate just asked what ringtone I have! I answered "Never really looked, but probably a light brown!" Paddy bursts into the benefits office. ''ive been ringing 0800 1730 for 2 f*****g days why dont you answer your b*****d phone?!!''....girl replies ''those are the opening times you daft c**t'' ....... How unlucky is my sister, hasnt had sex with men for years in case of disease. She's just caught E. Coli off a cucumber!I think I messed up my blind date last night? Durin the meal she asked me, "What's ur pet hate?" I said, "It doesn't like my cock up its arse!" What does a fat girl and a van load of plasterboard have in common?. Both have a 95% chance of being nailed by a Polish immigrant.!. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
spanielsandhawks 466 Posted October 1, 2011 Report Share Posted October 1, 2011 A black boy text his dad sayin. Just had sex with the lady next door. Father replies, did you wear anyting. Boy replies, yes i wore a bava-clava 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
patterdale666 1,620 Posted October 1, 2011 Report Share Posted October 1, 2011 Paddy goes to America for the first time, walking up 5th avenue he sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows. He shouts up "Im Paddy O'Neill, an Irish rugby player, jump and i'll catch ya". A girl jumps out and Paddy catches her, A man jumps out and Paddy catches him too, then a nigger jumps out and Paddy lets him hit the concrete? Paddy shouts up "come on now stop f**king about Theres No point throwing down the Burnt ones" 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
weesteviemckee 2 Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 I sent my colleague at work a basket of fruit after he accused me of being racist i hope the black c**t likes bananas The wife shouted up stairs "suns just come out" i thought great,threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. f*****g gutted when i got down to find him holding hands with his best friend dave. paddy gets stopped towing a horsebox on the mortorway.police ask?"where are you going?"im taking these horses to the races"replies paddy"but its empty!?said the copper."i no" said paddy "im taking the non runners first!" im f*****g knackered! just spent the last five hours painting all the rocks in my garden just incase my paki nieghbour wants a snowball fight this winter! some african bloke walked into my local pub this afternoon holding a bucket. he handed it to me and said "can you fill this up with water?" i said "f**k me how many miles have you walked for this?" he said"none you cheeky c**t im the new window cleaner." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
deadlyshot 25 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 U won't b hearin from me for a while, police are investigating me for stealing pool inflatables...... I got a lilo I've just tied the knot and I'm so happy..... Now all that's left to do is, just kick the chair she's standing on and I'm a free man!!! I was horrified to find a grey pubic hair on my ballbag this morning. Thankfully it was one of my Nan's. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mackay 3,612 Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 I'd thought for a while my wife might be having an affair, I finally plucked up the courage to confront her. She didn't deny it, she broke down in tears hysterical and said it had been going on for about six months with my mate Abdul. Well I f*****g lost it, I kicked her fcuking sensless, totally lost it and nearly killed her. She won't accuse me of having a mate called Abdul again. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
redcur 54 Posted October 3, 2011 Report Share Posted October 3, 2011 very good guys :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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