Best Breakup letter ever...

[JollyPoacher 3]

"Dear Susan :

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our

"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I

swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little

boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make

contact.

 

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I

guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot

of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about

looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as

one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our

hurt. And this is what my heart says...

 

"There's no one like you, Susan." I look for you in the eyes and breasts

of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two

weeks ago, I met this girl at Ithaca Bar and brought her home with me. I

don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my

desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies

that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I

mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a

tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch

being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made

important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect

body mean?

 

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see

what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a

better heart than my moderately attractive Susan? I doubt it. And I'd

never really thought of that before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just

growing up a little.

 

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I

found myself thinking, "why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't

just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but

something else. Some ****ling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so

incomplete? And then it hit me.

 

It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Susan, to watch. Do

you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Susan,

I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of

you.

 

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper Side last year?

Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she

figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what

she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a

few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in

our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's

giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not

hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.

And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's

old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we

can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too.

'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Susan ever put the mirror on

the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never

used it as a sex aid."

 

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I

mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on

her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.

 

She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in

general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Susan, She really

is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times.

Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is

think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just

about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole

anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured

you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness

between us.

 

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby

sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Susan.

In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just

wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can.

 

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know, otherwise, can

you let me know where the remote control is.

 

John"

[JollyPoacher 3]

And another..............

 

 

Tom,

 

 

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel

like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am

truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people

in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I

would ever want to wrong in any way.

 

 

There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won’t even

try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a

stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve

it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us,

what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.

It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t crack a smile

if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel

beyond crushed.

 

 

I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t.

I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this

is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and

stupid, I can’t imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and

weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn’t reflect

that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I

hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person,

because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back

what happened. I am so sorry.

 

 

 

- Sarah

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Dear Sarah,

 

Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under ‘L’ for

‘Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn’t care less about’.

You did a stupid thing huh?

 

 

No…doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is ‘a stupid

thing’; Mixing in a red Sock with a load of whites is ‘a stupid thing’;

Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar

wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much raisin bran

that morning isn’t as much a ‘Stupid thing’ as it is grounds for

permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I’m not sure if

 

it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public

toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think

that by saying ‘Well, I didn’t f**k him’ somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world ‘looked funny’ to you

yesterday. Since your World revolves around blow dryers, golden

retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most

unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24

hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don’t think

you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the

mill cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your

average child porn collector.

 

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you

really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.

Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like

watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

 

PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.

 

Talk to you never,

 

 

 

Tom

[JollyPoacher 3]

Last one..

 

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home.

 

It read as follows:

 

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is

just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since

you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky...

 

 

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.

 

In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

 

There were 57 photos in that envelope... along with this note:

 

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky

[Tiff 36]

They made ME laugh lol

[chimp 299]

i might have to use a couple of them .

[Malt 379]

Very funny!

[ulverston moocher 60]

there crackers bud

[MuttleMcTuttle 21]

Quality

[andyfr1968 772]

Total class!!! That first one really had me in bits, priceless!!!

[CarraghsGem 92]

class!

[Lab 10,979]

Bloody genius that......

[Born Hunter 17,640]

first one was a belter