Bit of a tale

[king 11,664]

them story's are priceless

[T.F.Student 0]

[Wilky 0]

that reminds me of a few years ago of an old jypo i got a dog off of it was a beddy greyhound we were sitting talking about hounds and poaching and certain estates we had both been poaching when he offerd me a cup of tea didnt want to ofend him so i said yes half way through and he says think your self fortunit thats the dogs cup i nearly choked to death :11: :11: i learned a lot from that old man god rest

 

 

:11: Theres a farmer at hebden bridge, who has the hunt on regular, and its a choice establishment , a bit like gordons.We were having a brew and a ham sandwich, after a good morning, and the farm collie was sat, growling at my mate.He said to the farmer, whats up wi that fecker? and as above... nowt lad, thas just drinkin out of his pot, thats all Smashing fella though, always a drink and best ham butties for the lads, and he would have the hounds there every day of the year, if he could.

 

 

If you're coming from the Halifax side, left at the lights by the stone bridge and up the steep winding road through the woods?

 

you,ve been to bernards too? smashing fella aint he?

 

What you might call a bit of a rum old turkey eh

[snoopdog 1,255]

superb that wilky like you said weve all got a charecter like that and id love to tell you about him.but it would take me a year to write as much as you did....

[Wilky 0]

SMELLY'S HOUSE

 

A bit more about my mate Gordon, his house is on a council estate and it's in a bit of a funny spot, being that where he is there's only the two houses, his and the mucky f****r next door with the pigeons, there's houses across the road and all, but just the two on Gordons side of the road. Him and his neighbour happened upon these two houses as a bit of a stroke of genius, because when he was in the old house he was getting a bit of stick from the neighbours, I never knew the old house, which is a shame, because Joe told me it made his new place look like a palace, anyway the council were doing up the houses and people were shuffled about a bit, and apparently once upon a time the council could only evict you if your next door neighbour put in a health complaint, so Gordon and the pigeon man got together and put their names down on these two houses, on the proviso that neither of them would complain about the other and they could do whatever they bleeding wellen liked. Clever buggers.

 

So when you went to Gordons it was of the style where as you opened the front door, there were stairs directly infront of you with cupboards underneath, except not in Gordons, he's ripped out the cupboards, sheeted it off with mesh and he had Silky bantams under the stairs sitting on goose eggs, same as the ducks upstairs, knee deep in shite.

 

In the dining room, on the two walls either side of the window, facing each other were floor to ceiling budgie cages, probably about forty on each wall, full to busting, with budgies, canaries, penguin finches etc. I remember when the council put him central heating in, there was a timer on the shit stained wall that stood out like a sore thumb and I asked him if he knew how to use it, his reply was "No f*****g idea mate, I just told the twat to set it so it comes on twice a day to get these lazy b*****d birds laying"

 

In his kitchen there was a walk in type pantry and the door had a hatch cut out at the bottom and a chain screwed to the architrave, so he could kennel a terrier underneath the tins of beans and stuff, you know like every house has.

 

I once went over with Wilf to look at a litter of pups out of old Bella to his red dog Prince and when his missus answered the door, she said "they're in the kitchen go have a look, he won't be long he's on the crapper" So we could hear these pups, but couldn't find them, obviously looking in the pantry, so I shouted up and asked him where they were, and he shouts down,"In the f*****g kitchen" so we waits till he's done and he comes down, opens the cupboard under the sink and there was the bitch, curled up with the pups.

 

We once took my old dog Digger over to line a bitch for one of the Hancock brothers and we met at Gordons, let the terriers into his kitchen to get on with it, while we had abit of a natter, well Digger was one of these that used to piss on everyones leg and my mate nudges me and points at Digger who's pissing on Gordons crimplenes, and Gordon just never bothered, he shook his leg and the kecks were that greasy, the piss flew off without leaving a mark. Whilst Digger was fast to the bitch, I was leaning on the back door and it's bumping into my back, because there's a goat behind it in the passageway and I'm trying to f**k the goat off, because it's getting on my wick, anyway the dogs part company and I went to put digger in the van, when I come back in his missus is going berserk because the goats in the front room now, shitting pellets all over. I'll have to get a scanner, because I've got some pics of these old dogs, they might be worth a look.

 

I mentioned Bella before and that she was a bit of a hard bitch, well I once was over for a ferret for a mate and Bella was in a basket in the kitchen, with a face like a pumpkin, she'd had a proper stiff un, eyes puffed shut, hardly moving, the business. Well Bella had a pathological hatred of ferrets and I never knew this, so we went out of the kitchen to the outhouse and Gordon opened the outhouse door to reveal the ferret cages and Bella flew past us like a rocket and launched herself at the ferret cage, her face exploding and she was just hanging off the mesh snorting, two minutes earlier, she looked liked death in that basket, and now she was like a banshee.

 

It's obvious when you meet Gordon that he hasn't got a meg, but neither does he want it, he's got all he wants and his happy with his lot, it's quite poetic really. I remember him having an angina attack and having to be rushed into hospital, now I've got to be honest and admit that I'm not a very sympathetic person when folk are ill, but I remember felling proper compassion that weekend, not for Gordon, but the poor nurses that had to deal with him.

 

I'll bet that some folk will think that this is all bollocks and to be perfectly honest, I don't really give a Donald, I know the lad and it's all true and it's been one of lifes pleasures to have known the bloke, I wish there were more like him.

 

superb that wilky like you said weve all got a charecter like that and id love to tell you about him.but it would take me a year to write as much as you did....

 

 

Get on with it lad, I never thought I could do it either. There's far too much P.C.about now, we need these types to keep us all in check.

[Guest oneredtrim]

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Edited January 16, 2008 by oneredtrim

[beagles 0]

[Guest The Shaman]

Do ya know - some clever dicky should copy all these anecdotes down and publish them. I've sat mesmerized and practically pissing meself with tears in my eyes. I think there are loons and smelly Gordons all over and we can all recognize a bit of them in some queer old stick/pyscho.

 

Keep it coming. :11:

[snoopdog 1,255]

It turned out the Saturday dinner capers were really just par for the course. The grandstand loon was a very strange variant, almost a Forest Gump with a violent snidey streak, very, very strong and hard. One of his Gump tricks involved anything that he threw a stone at...he hit...and i do mean anything. Seen him kop a kid on the nut who had been calling names down to him from a school roof, the school roof must have been at least 40ft high and was 40ft away, loon pretended to ignore the kid chastizing him and the moment the kid paid no attention to loon....then his hand went into his pocket and out came his pre-prepared chucking tackle (the corner of a flag)...he knocked him off the roof and thankfully the only thing that stopped the kid from jossing it was the collision with the 1 storey extension on the opposite side of the building...still he was'nt well for a good length of time...loon on seeing his perfect lazered shot screamed out "ROBIN HOOOOOD" in the street. It got worse from here on in, the stone chucking was nothing, i discovered that the same savant outlook also applied to an air-gun.. only this time he had the most unusual style of firing it from his hip, teaching him how to use sights was superflous...he would just nod at you like he fully understood and then drop a pellet in and proceed to blast anything you cared to mention whilst holding the rifle at waist level. I never seen him miss anything, i asked his brother and he had not...no one had...he used to shoot all the sticklebacks in the cut like he was just pointing at them. Me oppo told me he once got a Bow and had started to practise with it with an old back door on some dis-used ground ..lengthening the range so he could hit it from 30ft everytime. He said that loon had spotted it and was turning the heat up cause he wanted a go, eventually he told me he gave loon 1 arrow and he proceeded to use the bow side-ways on and once again from a waist position and he put the arrow straight iin that tree stump at the bottom of thier 30ft garden (first go). He was certainly a strange kid.

 

Obviouslly he had to go to nut/nut school and from there they had arranged (when he was old enough) for him to attend a drop in gaff where kids from his school would be tested to see thier suitability in a workplace. Anyway loon kopped a job using a little machine that rivetted (or such like) the handles on handbags and apparently was pretty good at it, the only dark cloud being that he mentioned one of the other kids snatched the bags when it come to time to collect them and this he was not to keen on. Couple of days went by and the brother came for me pleading with me to come with him to the cop shop (kin hell) loon had assaulted the female instructress, breaking her nose and severed one of the pupils arms in the guillotine ( ). Anyway we got down there and got the story out of him what had happened and the kid collecting the completed handbags had a prosthetic arm that operated in a rather jerky manner and loon had not been aware of this and had presumed he was snatching the handbags (his work) and after warning him twice (no snatching) decided he was having the chop, obviouslly a mob dived on him and with a false arm flying around the female teacher kopped it in the snozzle and that was that. We managed to get him a walker but he lost his promising career in handbag land.

 

He ended up in some nut shop up in blackburn/burnley....somewhere up there, Colderstone or something similar seems to ring a bell...a proper moody gaff, heavilly victorian with staff that looked like they got great delight in having power over someone. Anyway we managed to spring him one day after concern at his ever failing state (they were going double daft with the lumber punctures). He was soon rounded up though but i could tell that he had been put through it because of the amount of coppers it took to cart him off (half dozen). Ironically he turned up at his family home one day having simply walked out and walked home (back to Manchester), ironically my oppos mother instructed him to undo the back door and listen for his brother coming before she retired to bed (she knew he would be home that very night without any consultation with him). They were a very strange mob, i can understand how Buzz used the family traits for an ebauche.

 

Oneredtrim.

it is colderstones its not that far of me..its shut down now..

[snoopdog 1,255]

people are on about funny threads this had me laughting my head of wilky who wrote this is afecking star and oneredtim is another ,,,,,for those who havent read and for thoses who have its worth reading again....

[dobby 1]

some good reading keep it up

 

 

 

dobby

[Guest Lurcherbitch]

Another classic thread , My six pack is coming on nicely with all this belly laughing

Glad i started the vote off .

It is great to get in after walking dogs, sit down with my cup of tea and have a bloody good laugh in the morning. Better than the usuall bitching threads .

Great read .

[elma-fudd 0]

thats quality had me in stiches

[skycat 6,172]

Only just found these: absolutely priceless: and bloody good writing too: its as though you're really there. Pictures with words.

[luke 2]

great stuff colourfull characters most dog men