Lol

[The one 8,622]

Bees and Golf

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro Jim saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,

'Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where?', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'

Business Man in 1st Class, to a Gorgeous Air Hostess -

Business Man: What is your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!

Business Man: Lovely name. Any relation to Mercedes Benz

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.

Business Man: How close?

Hostess: Same price!

[The one 8,622]

It has been announced that the police are going to be
Allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting
Some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ....
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a
Million pounds worth of improvements.

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing
Anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 3.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.

I thought she was dead, until I Saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just On standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in
Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester ,
Luton and London . Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the
Doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied, "Look at him........he daren't cough now!!"

[The one 8,622]

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.






Wait for it!








The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "

[The one 8,622]

Subject: First Day back at School in England in 2014

It was the first day back at school somewhere in Birmingham, England. The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils.

"Mustafa al Eih Zeri?" - "Here."

"Achmed El Kabul?" - "Here."

"Fatima Bin Pardin? " - "Here."

"Ali Abdul Olmi?" - "Here."

"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" - "Here."

"Ali Son al En?" - Silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al En?"- Continued silence, as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeated the call, "Ali Son al En?"

Then a girl stood up and said, "Sorry, teacher, I think that's me. It's pronounced Allison Allen."

[diggory 130]

Putting a ceiling mirror up has done nothing for my sex life .... Poor c**t up there looks just as bored as me

[j j m 6,636]

first one was a goodun

[David.evans 5,323]

Fec me Jim

Great jokes

Atb Dave

[Truther 1,579]

Lmao mate, pharmacist had me crying

[The one 8,622]

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.

[The one 8,622]

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW:

 

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

 

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in

CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.

 

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

 

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

 

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.

You may say, “What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?”

 

 

Answer:

 

A FUNERAL PARLOUR

 

 

WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?

 

 

 

= God Bless Scotland =

[The one 8,622]

A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's Girlfriend

Little Johnny raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen…."

"No Johnny, the correct answer is Maid Marion …."

"But Miss, what about the song….?

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen……!"

Once upon a time, a man asked a fairy to make him desirable and irresistible to all women.

She turned him into a Credit Card.

Golf or Sex?
A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex. "I don't know whether to watch the couple or the golf game," he says to his wife. "For Heaven's sake, watch the couple," his wife says. "You already know how to play golf!"

A little 'Home Groan' for vegetable gardeners! Growing Tomatoes

A Mature and well Educated woman loved her vegie patch and particularly growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge bright Red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, I know this will sound strange, but twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Some body else told me this and I don't know why but it seems to work.

Well, the woman thanked the man and as she walks away she thinks to herself this is absolutely ridiculous but at the same time she is so impressed; she decides to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

He turns to his wife in bed and whispered "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"

"Oh, what a pity," she smiled, "Right in the middle of National Headache week."

In a maths class, a primary school teacher asks little Billy;

"If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"

"Five”, said Billy.

[The one 8,622]

TWIN IRISH SISTERS CELEBRATE

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take

pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and

the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US????"

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned

to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I actually have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Well then, do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death

when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes

[The one 8,622]

Defence Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,

When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'

And that's when I shot him, the little b*****d.

[The one 8,622]

A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"£85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

[The one 8,622]

Turf in Ireland

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat den?” asks Mikey.
“Send me lawn away to be mowed."