mattydski 560 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never felt better," he replies. I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him." That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!" "Exactly", said the doctor. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cjw 1 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 What do you get if you cross the m5 with a wheelchair splattered all over the road brill LMFAO CJW Quote Link to post Share on other sites
outshooting 0 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 Whats 20 feet long & stinks of piss ? The conga line at the old peoples home. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rabbit_killer 2 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rabbit_killer 2 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 Blonde paint job A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MR JACK 0 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 How do you make a cat go 'woof' pour petrol over it and throw a match on it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
matt11 0 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 whats the differnce between a car battery and a woman? a battery has a positive side!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hagar 5 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 How many racists does it take to make everyone who uses this forum look a right cnut? :wankerzo4: Its not racism its black humour Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hagar 5 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 I went to our local tandori last night 1st i ordered a starter and the waiter had his thumb in it so i sent it back then i thought i ll enjoy the main but he had his thumb in that so it went back when he did the same with the coffee i asked him why does he put his thumb in everything he replied its infected and the doctor told him to keep it warm i retorted well stick it up your arse he replied i do when im in the kitchen :sick: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
scothunter 12,609 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 Oh I'm sorry did I offend you! I will remove my jokes, as I dont think they are very nice either. I spose you would find it funny if it was a jewish/paki cot death though! No i wouldnt find that funny either.I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you were trying to get a point across.Bad example though Quote Link to post Share on other sites
scothunter 12,609 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 Oh I'm sorry did I offend you! I will remove my jokes, as I dont think they are very nice either. I spose you would find it funny if it was a jewish/paki cot death though! No i wouldnt find that funny either.I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you were trying to get a point across.Bad example though Sometimes it does take a sledge hammer to crack a nut!! You hardly cracked a nut.All was there for anyone to read and make up their own mind. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hagar 5 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 Oh I'm sorry did I offend you! I will remove my jokes, as I dont think they are very nice either. I spose you would find it funny if it was a jewish/paki cot death though! do you really think that pakis and jews dont take the piss out of white people cos if you do then your wrong they take the piss when they go get there family allowance every week while silly c**ts like me and you pay for them so excuse me if i dont jump to theyre defence There are more lazy thick white chavs living off our taxes than jews or asians. Maybe so but they dont try to take our freedom away, impose sharia law, blow us up :sick: as for the jews why is it every country they ever settled in throughout history has tried to get rid of them Quote Link to post Share on other sites
scothunter 12,609 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 Oh I'm sorry did I offend you! I will remove my jokes, as I dont think they are very nice either. I spose you would find it funny if it was a jewish/paki cot death though! do you really think that pakis and jews dont take the piss out of white people cos if you do then your wrong they take the piss when they go get there family allowance every week while silly c**ts like me and you pay for them so excuse me if i dont jump to theyre defence There are more lazy thick white chavs living off our taxes than jews or asians. Really??I think you will find that aint as true as you think. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tote 843 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 A husband and wife are lying in bed one night when the husband reaches over to the bedside cabinet grabs a handfull of condoms and says to the wife, "look what i've got here,some flavoured condoms. Banana,chocolate,rasperry,cola etc etc. Let's play a game, i'll slip one on and you go below the duvet and guess what flavour it is." "Alright" replies the wife who dives below the duvet then reappears saying "cheese and onion". :sick: "Give me a chance to put one on first",says the husband. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
macberran 2 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 AussieRadioJoke.wma (167KB) hope it works. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.