dogs-n-natives 1,181 Posted December 18, 2008 Report Share Posted December 18, 2008 (edited) Heres one for the ladies.............. Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with tinsel!! However, its just for the christmas period Add your x-mas jokes to help lighten the mood on the site, or just be a sad fooker and dont reply! Happy christams and good hunting all!!! DnN Edited December 18, 2008 by dogs-n-natives Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Malt 379 Posted December 18, 2008 Report Share Posted December 18, 2008 Mad Al's already beaten you to that one today DnN matey! Still funny though! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
undisputed 1,664 Posted December 18, 2008 Report Share Posted December 18, 2008 What do santa and michael Jackson have in common?? They both like to empty their sacks in young kids bedrooms :icon_redface: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
harry waudby. 10 Posted December 18, 2008 Report Share Posted December 18, 2008 What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeers out on Christmas Eve? They go into to town and blow a few bucks Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Shooter08 0 Posted December 18, 2008 Report Share Posted December 18, 2008 One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Shooter08 0 Posted December 18, 2008 Report Share Posted December 18, 2008 Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house, Everybody felt shitty even the mouse. With Mom at the whore house, And dad smoking grass, I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass! When out on the lawn I hear such a clatter, I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter! When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f****r had fell! He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer, And a big rubber dick for my brother, the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart! He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight, Piss on you all and have a Hell of a night! Merry Xmas Everyone, Have a Good'un Quote Link to post Share on other sites
simba 1 Posted December 19, 2008 Report Share Posted December 19, 2008 (edited) A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father CHRISTMAS serving behind the counter. "Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?" Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living. "Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation." "Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of CHRISTMAS in a way." "Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?" The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner." "Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead Edited December 19, 2008 by simba Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cornio 0 Posted December 19, 2008 Report Share Posted December 19, 2008 Two snowmen in a field. One of them says "Can you smell carrots?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
whippeter69 88 Posted December 19, 2008 Report Share Posted December 19, 2008 Two snowmen in a field. One of them says "Can you smell carrots?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cornio 0 Posted December 19, 2008 Report Share Posted December 19, 2008 Two snowmen in a field. One of them says "Can you smell carrots?" What would you make a snowman's nose from? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ferret boy charlie 0 Posted December 19, 2008 Report Share Posted December 19, 2008 Two snowmen in a field. One of them says "Can you smell carrots?" lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cornio 0 Posted December 19, 2008 Report Share Posted December 19, 2008 How can you tell if it's a snow woman instead of a snowman? Snow balls. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
pointer28 1 Posted December 19, 2008 Report Share Posted December 19, 2008 'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook, It was time for some pussy, f**k reading that book. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. "Whoa Sh*thead, whoa A$$hole, hey Dickface, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts." "Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and puked on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard something splatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I put on my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all covered with dip spit galore, He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore. "I'm all f****n' shit-canned ," he said with a smile, "And Rudolf had gas the last half-a mile." He walked to the kitchen, for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, as my wife turned around. Santa was hung half way to the ground. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a manual on how to pop zits. A dime bag of reefer was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A boarding school pisser, a penis extension, And several other things that I can't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a bong that was wrapped with aluminium foil. "This stuff's not for kids, Mrs. Santa will sh*t, So I'll leave it all here, and then I'll just split." He filled both our stockings, looked at my wife's cleave. And tucked my son's crack pipe up under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Made it out of the chimney, on my roof smacked his head. In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home, Rudolph, the night's been a b@tch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about college is the beer won't run out!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
pointer28 1 Posted December 19, 2008 Report Share Posted December 19, 2008 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes ----------------- Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ----------------- Dearest John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes ----------------- Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes ----------------- Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Anges ----------------- Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes ----------------- John: What's with you and those f*****g birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those f*****g birds. Sincerely, Agnes ----------------- O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass. Agnes ----------------- Hey! Shithead, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes ----------------- You Rotten Prick, Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it. ----------------- Listen! Dickhead, What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes ----------------- Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender and Cahole Quote Link to post Share on other sites
pointer28 1 Posted December 19, 2008 Report Share Posted December 19, 2008 T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those a**holes from IRS sent me a letter They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money And the kids these days - they all are the pits They want the impossible ...Those mean little sh*ts I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM! If you think that's bad...just picture this Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year... now you know the reason I found me a blonde... I'm going SOUTH for the season!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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