mattydski 560 Posted November 17, 2008 Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650." "£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 was for the cat scan and lab tests." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest foxyjo. Posted November 17, 2008 Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 Humourously challenged? Is that me you're talking about??!!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest jbswildlife Posted November 17, 2008 Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mattydski 560 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 Humourously challenged? Is that me you're talking about??!!!! It was for your benefit yes.. Heres another... A confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" she asked. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said. The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mattydski 560 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Innovative Preliminary c) Proliferation d) Cinnamon Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Specificity British Constitution c) Passive-aggressive disorder d) Transubstantiate Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. Nope, no more booze for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No kebab for me, thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? f) I'm not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing. h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest foxyjo. Posted November 17, 2008 Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 Well thank you Matty!!!! It worked!!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mattydski 560 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 Well thank you Matty!!!! It worked!!!! A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch." The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss," The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest foxyjo. Posted November 17, 2008 Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 Matty - I just figured out why the wife's stuck with you for 11 years!!! Must be the sense of humour!!! ........oh yeah........and the suit! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest little lurcher Posted November 17, 2008 Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 Well thank you Matty!!!! It worked!!!! A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch." The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss," The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am." brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mattydski 560 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 Matty - I just figured out why the wife's stuck with you for 11 years!!! Must be the sense of humour!!! ........oh yeah........and the suit! No, that'll be the High paid job, my mortgage payments, her new car this year, the gorgeous kids and my reluctance to argue.. i'll stop there or it well be you chering me up.. Next One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mattydski 560 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 And finally Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to shag the cat." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stealthy1 3,964 Posted November 17, 2008 Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest foxyjo. Posted November 20, 2008 Report Share Posted November 20, 2008 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
droid 11 Posted November 20, 2008 Report Share Posted November 20, 2008 Excellent! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,595 Posted November 20, 2008 Report Share Posted November 20, 2008 :clapper: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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