Anyone fancy a pint?

[Bendigo 1,087]

Big Night Out Guide to UK Government Borrowing 

Ever wondered how UK government borrowing actually works?

Forget the economics textbooks — it’s basically one giant messy night out. And in this pub economy, gold is the one pint that never waters down.

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• The Government = That Mate Who’s Always Borrowing Pints

You know the type. Walks in, wallet emptier than a Wetherspoons curry plate, and says:

“Lads, lend us a pint, I’ll sort you later.”

He never really clears the tab. But he keeps people sweet — buys crisps, sticks a quid in the jukebox, maybe gets the darts going.

Everyone thinks: “Well, he’ll at least cover the interest.”

---

• National Debt = The Bar Tab

Not a one-off. Not temporary.
A permanent fixture.

It goes up, down, sideways… but never disappears.

Nobody expects him to slam down a wad of cash and clear it. But if he ever tried:

“Tell you what, I’m not paying at all.”

The landlord would chuck him out, and panic would ripple round the pub.

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• The Lenders = The Pub Crowd

Dave with the pension pot → UK pension funds. Buys IOUs (gilts) instead of feeding the fruit machine.

Landlord’s mates → Banks and insurers.

Foreign lads on the pool table → Overseas investors. Don’t know him that well, but think: “Seems alright, sling him a pint.”

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• The Landlord (Pub Owner) = The Bank of England

Keeps the pub ticking: pumps running, crisps stocked, lager vaguely drinkable.

Also sets the house rules: how much credit Pint-Borrower McGee can rack up before it all goes wrong.

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• The Prime Minister = The Bloke Holding Court at the Table

Biggest gob in the room, full of promises.
“Don’t worry lads, I’ll get the next round… eventually.”

He struts around like he owns the place, but the truth?
He doesn’t run the pumps, he doesn’t manage the tab — he just sets the tone.

If he bangs on about champagne rounds and flashy cocktails, everyone starts ordering them.
If he preaches “austerity”, suddenly it’s tap water all round.

But make no mistake: he needs the Chancellor and the Landlord to actually make it happen.

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• The Chancellor of the Exchequer = The Bar Manager

Clipboard in hand, pretending to be in charge.

He decides whether to:

• Borrow off Dave,

• Sweet-talk the foreign lads,

• Or beg the landlord for more credit.

If he blows the kitty on flaming Sambucas, everyone suffers.

And notice what he never does?
Buy gold. Because admitting you need a proper pint in the cellar makes all his “voucher schemes” look like the con they are.

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• Income Tax = Everyone Chipping In for His Pint

When the tab’s too big, the bar manager turns to us:

“Sorry lads, everyone cough up a few quid to keep him drinking.”

That’s income tax.

Not for your pints, not even for crisps — most of it goes just to cover the interest on his never-ending tab.

You’re basically paying for a party you weren’t invited to.

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• Fiat Money = The Bar Tokens

Not gold, not silver — just chits behind the bar.

They work only because everyone agrees they do.
If belief collapses?

He’s just a desperate bloke waving Monopoly notes at the pumps.

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• Why Not Just Print More?

The landlord starts scribbling “FREE PINT” vouchers on beer mats.

At first: the pub goes wild — free booze!
But soon…

• Barrels run dry

• Crisps £8 a bag

• Scratchings £12

• Lager tastes like mop water

That’s inflation: too many vouchers chasing too few real drinks.

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• Enter Gold = The Proper Pint in the Cellar

Here’s the twist.

While everyone else faffs about with IOUs, tokens, and soggy vouchers… there’s one thing that never lies: the actual pint in the cellar.

Gold’s the full, frothy pint nobody can fake.
Doesn’t matter if the landlord scribbles “FREE PINT” on every coaster in the county — when the pumps run dry, those with gold can still swap it for real beer.

That’s why the foreign lads, Dave with the pension, and even the landlord himself quietly keep a stash down there.

Because when trust evaporates, bar tokens are worthless. IOUs are dodgy. But a real pint (gold) will always be accepted.

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When the Round Goes Wrong…

• Champagne politics = overspending on fizz nobody can afford.

• Foreign lads leave = investors bolt for a safer boozer.

• Landlord ups prices = higher interest rates.

• Too many vouchers = runaway inflation.

• Mate refuses even crisps = default.

In every case, the tokens wobble, the IOUs look shaky, and the pub descends into chaos.
But gold? Gold just sits in the cellar, immune to the landlord’s dodgy biro.

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TL;DR – Pub Edition  + Gold Chaser 

• Government = mate always borrowing pints

• Debt = bar tab

• Lenders = pensioners, banks, foreign lads

• Landlord = Bank of England

• Prime Minister = loudmouth at the table, promising the next round

• Chancellor = bar manager with clipboard

• Income Tax = you coughing up to cover his tab

• Fiat = bar tokens

• Printing more = “free pint” vouchers until the beer’s ruined

• Gold = the one pint in the cellar that never waters down, never expires, and still buys a kebab at closing time

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• Final Parable – The Wise Old Regular

At the end of the night, when everyone’s clutching soggy vouchers and IOUs, there’s always one wise old regular sat quietly in the corner.

He doesn’t shout, doesn’t chase “free pint” schemes, never trusts the bar tokens.

Instead, he pulls out a battered hip flask filled with his own proper brew.
When the taps run dry and the landlord admits the cellar’s empty, the whole pub gathers round him, begging for a sip.

 

Edited 5 hours ago by Bendigo

[iworkwhippets 13,188]

Oh perlease,  7 o'clock Sunday morning and we have this, on top of a certain member dips his scrote in freezing water , then we have another chap openly admits he wanks his self silly, I just can't take much more 

[mitre 339]

To be honest have not got round to discuss at the moment got to wash up clean up the items after breakfast and get that lazy youngest brother out of bed so he can peel the spuds for dinner later got to get him doing something idle bugger 

[WILF 50,729]

Banks : “Here, sell all your gold at rock bottom prices and we will give you a load of money on tick to shower everyone with”

Blair & Brown : “Great idea !”

Banks: “Now, you owe us rather a lot of money but don’t worry, we will lend you more”

Every British Prime Minister since Blair: “Wow, thanks, Great idea” 

Banks: “Now, you have to pay us a bit back but don’t worry it’s only the interest…..now we will lend you a bit to pay the interest but you have to start squeezing the population a bit because to keep your interest low we want them in debt too !”

Prime Minister : “Sounds like a plan !” 
 

Banks : “So, you know how you can never pay us back right ?…..well, if we keep lending you the money to pay us back our interest we have for you by the bollocks forever!”

Prime Minister : “Genius !…..I’m in !”

The people: “What about us ?”

Banks & Prime Minister : “f**k you, here have 3 years in the shovel you right wing c**t !” 
 

The End !

Edited 1 hour ago by WILF

[mackem 29,742]

5 hours ago, Bendigo said:

Buy gold Gold Chaser 

 

[WataWalloper 3,836]

4 hours ago, iworkwhippets said:

Oh perlease,  7 o'clock Sunday morning and we have this, on top of a certain member dips his scrote in freezing water , then we have another chap openly admits he wanks his self silly, I just can't take much more 

You must get sick a sayin yhe same thing, cos I’m fcukin sick a hearing it haha 

Edited 4 minutes ago by WataWalloper