Guest lurcher-lass Posted October 18, 2007 Report Share Posted October 18, 2007 Loads, but i dont wont to bore you lot Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stubby 175 Posted October 19, 2007 Report Share Posted October 19, 2007 saw a guy walking around the graveyard with a coffin on his back, I said oi mate i think you'vre lost the plot..... phoned the samaritans today feeling depressed they put me through to a muslim call centre when they found out i was suicidal, they were overjoyed asked if i could drive a truck or fly a plane Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bullet 136 Posted October 19, 2007 Report Share Posted October 19, 2007 staffordshire police are looking for a racist attacker, i phoned the info line but apparently its not a job advertisement! met a blind paki at the cash point today,he asked me to check his balance so i pushed the f****r over! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest lurcher-lass Posted October 19, 2007 Report Share Posted October 19, 2007 Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says ?I don?t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.? The husband says ?WHAT??? The wife says, ?You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman.? The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can?t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ?But you don?t even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then let?s get it.? The wife is jumping up and down ? she?s so excited, she cannot believe what is going on. She says ?I?m ready to go, let?s go to the cash register.? The husband says, ?No - no - no, honey we?re not going to buy all this stuff.? The wife?s face goes blank, ?No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.? Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says ?You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest lurcher-lass Posted October 19, 2007 Report Share Posted October 19, 2007 Girls night out Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest lurcher-lass Posted October 19, 2007 Report Share Posted October 19, 2007 A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Dean o Riordan 0 Posted October 19, 2007 Report Share Posted October 19, 2007 :haha: :haha: very good Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest lurcher-lass Posted October 20, 2007 Report Share Posted October 20, 2007 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
terriermad 4 Posted October 20, 2007 Report Share Posted October 20, 2007 A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too. :sick: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest lurcher-lass Posted October 20, 2007 Report Share Posted October 20, 2007 Ill put more up in a wee while Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest lurcher-lass Posted October 22, 2007 Report Share Posted October 22, 2007 A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.' She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest lurcher-lass Posted October 22, 2007 Report Share Posted October 22, 2007 Four kinds of Sex The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you're blue in the face. The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen. The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, ‘F@CK YOU!’ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest lurcher-lass Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 If there are any chinese people on this website, please don't take offence Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (Must Read Out Loud) 1) That's not right - Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harbouring a fugitive - Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP - Kum Hia 4) Stupid Man - Dum Fuk 5) Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped the coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni 8 ) I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat 9) It's Very dark in here - Wai So Dim 10) I Thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone - No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TITCHY69 10 Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 ON THE SUBJECT OF CHINA WHY DONT THEY HAVE ANY TELEPHONES????????????????????????? BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY WINGS AND SO MANY WONGS YOU MIGHT WING THE WONG NUMBER Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stubby 175 Posted October 25, 2007 Report Share Posted October 25, 2007 guy says to his mate I thought i saw your name written on a loaf of bread in tesco's then realised it said THICK CUT Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.