The one 8,411 Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 Lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch. On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch,they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the blonde waitress,'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?' The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr … gurrr … king' 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,411 Posted November 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed. The offender had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can't believe they f****d my wife after only five cans!” ____________________________________________________ "My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!” ____________________________________________________ I was shagging this Sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day. ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I shagged a Sheila called Penny – spooky or what? ____________________________________________________ The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer. ____________________________________________________ My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. She has no sense of humour. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says. If any of you are Paedophiles, you can f**k off down to HELL Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out. “And take this deaf b*****d with you”. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse”. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The wife came out of the bathroom and said: “I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you”? I said. “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again”! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman. But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement. That's when I thought. “Hang about” !!!! 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,411 Posted November 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 Captain Smithers In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..." Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. .. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f**k off." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,411 Posted November 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, earof corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've noteaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about thewait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope,you're still black'.Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inchestonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passingby asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Ohbejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at themoment.'Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. Butsince nearly all of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a baconsandwich works best!Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutterspeed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you couldlook at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, 'I'mgoing to take that.'Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmerin the fields and shouts to him, 'Where am I?' The farmer looks back up andshouts back, 'You're in a basket you dumb shit!'I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the lastquestion which I got wrong. The question was where do women have thecurliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer ... hell, how did I know theywanted the name of a country?I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but p****ng everyone offis a piece of cake. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,411 Posted November 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 This is a testimony to true friendship ... A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife screams at him as his friend listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?" "Because he's thinking of getting married." 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mintstick999 485 Posted November 22, 2013 Report Share Posted November 22, 2013 Some good ones there. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kevin em 342 Posted November 22, 2013 Report Share Posted November 22, 2013 Pissed myself laughing at the Burger King one Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SINDASOX 255 Posted November 22, 2013 Report Share Posted November 22, 2013 Some good ones on there. SINDASOX Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.