Jokes.

[bob.243 10,003]

.Jokes

 

 

This girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

 

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

 

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."

 

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[graham4877 1,181]

Dad gets home 2 find his 17yr old daughter with a pink dildo up her bum "What the hell r u doing?" He shouts "Well, u wont let me have a boyfriend, so this is my boyfriend substitute!" next night daughter gets home 2 find her dad drinking a can of beer with the pink dildo up HIS bum "What the hell r U doing?.she shouts. He replies "Having a beer with ur boyfriend"

[man o kent 269]

The missus phoned me today and said, "you had better come to the hospital, my mother hasnt got long to live, she could be dead by sunday". "but spurs are playing Arsenal" i replied. She said "record it and watch it later!". You should have seen her face when i turned up to the hospital with a camcorder and tripod!

[The one 8,598]

Just opened a bakery shop and a lady phoned up wanting a cake with HAPPY BIRTHDAY I SUCK COCKS written on it .I thought it was weird but made it anyway .Mrs Cox was f*****g Furious when i delivered it .So was her son ,Isaac

[The one 8,598]

I walked into my mums bedroom and under the bed i saw a suitcase half open .my curiosity got the better of me so i opened the case and in it was a leather mask,a leather cape , crutch less leather shorts and a leather whip .

 

I couldnt believe it

 

My Mum

 

A super hero

[The one 8,598]

2 wpc dog handlers are on the beat ,one says im cold i left my knickers at the station ,the other one says let the dog have a sniff and he'll fetch them .

The dog returns twenty minutes later with her knickers a truncheon,2 broom handles and three of the desk sergeants fingers

[man o kent 269]

My mate just got back from holiday in Thailand, and came so close to sleeping with a ladyboy. He said it looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady. But said when she drove him back to her place and reversed her car into a space first time, that he thought "hang on......"