jokes of the day

[higgins 75]

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some Cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory, because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

 

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

 

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

 

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

 

"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

 

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the

first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

 

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"

 

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

[higgins 75]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money,

so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother

asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees

his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the littleboy says to his father,

"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son,

tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[higgins 75]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that!"

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

[higgins 75]

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

 

"Mr. Jones, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

 

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Jones," the medic said. "Now lie down please & spread your legs & with both hands squeeze your nipples. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

 

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[higgins 75]

A man rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed man asked if he got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

 

 

 

The man did not hesitate. he said, "I want peace in the Middle East.

 

See

 

this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and

Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

 

 

 

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "man, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

 

 

 

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right woman. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch soaps all the time, and is faithful.

 

That is what I wish for...a good woman."

 

 

 

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f***ing map again."

[higgins 75]

A dustman knocks on a Japanese man's door. The Jap says "Harro, [bANNED TEXT] u want?" Dustman asks "Where's ur bin?" "I bin on loo" says Jap. " No mate, where's ya dustbin?" " I dust bin on loo" says Jap. "No, no mate, where's ur wheelie bin?" "Hokay, I wheelie bin havin a wank!".

[higgins 75]

A guy in a pink shirt strolls into a gay bar and looks around weighing up the talent.

He spots a well built scouser having a quiet drink at the bar, sidles up to him, nudges him gently and whispers "Can I take you into the gents and give a blow job?"

The scouser spins round, punches him in the face, kicks him in the bollocks, picks him up and throws him through the bar window.

"Bloody hell scouse" says the barman, "What was all that about?"

"I dunno - he said something about a job!"

[higgins 75]

The new postman visits the farm to drop off a parcel. It has to be signed for, so the postie wanders around looking for the farmer. In the paddock he sees a pig with only three legs. A couple of minutes later he finds the farmer. "How come your pig has only three legs?" he asks. "Let me tell you about that pig," says the farmer. "I love that pig! Last week, the barn caught alight. That pig raced in and cleared all the animals out of the barn, rang 999 for the fire brigade, then organised all the farm animals into a line, arranged the filling of buckets with water & had the fire out before the fire brigade got here." "That's wonderful," said the postie, "but why has he only got three legs?" "That pig," said the farmer, "I love that pig. Only last month my son turned the tractor over down in the far field, trapping his leg. That pig phoned for the ambulance, then got the bull to pull on a rope that the pig had tied around the tractor, and freed my son. By the time the ambulance arrived he'd bandaged my son's leg and made him a cup of tea. I bloody love that pig!" "That's fantastic" said the postie, 'but why's he only got three legs?" The farmer looked him in the eye and said, "Well, when you've got a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once."

Edited March 1, 2009 by higgins

[higgins 75]

Three mice in pub having a beer, discussing who's the hardest. First mouse says "I'm the hardest. I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and benchpress the bar 30 times, then throw it across the room." Second one says " You puff! I get rat poison, crush it into powder and snort it." Third mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door. "Where you going?" asks the other two. "Home," he replies, "to shag the cat."

[higgins 75]

A bride on her wedding night turns to a new husband and says " darling theres something i need to tell you. I used to be a hooker". The husband quite startled replies reassuringly to her " dont worry dear your past is your past and i personally find it quite a turn on please tell me more " ...........to which his new wife replies ........" ok then my name was nigel and i used to play for wigan"

[higgins 75]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her.

 

She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

 

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

 

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

[higgins 75]

An American, an Australian and a Canadian were on a hunting trip together. Round the fire in the evening they have a drink.

 

The American throws his empty glass in the air, pulls a gun and smashes the glass with the bullet, saying, "We're so rich, we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice."

 

The Australian throws his empty glass in the air, pulls a gun and smashes the glass with the bullet, saying, "We've got so much sand, we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice.

 

The Canadian throws his empty glass in the air, pulls a gun and shoots the American with the bullet, saying, "We've got so many of these b***s, we don't need to drink with them twice."

[higgins 75]

Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

 

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

 

The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

 

To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'nay charge,' he says.

 

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

 

'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a deed man o about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'

 

'So, I just switched their heids.......'

[RaiderBoy 19]

there is an irish man in the middle of a corn feild rowing a boat

then comes a long another irish man in his car enraged by what he is seeing he slams on the the brakes gets out and shouts

people like you make us irish people look bad, if i could swim id come over there and feck you up

[higgins 75]

Mick and Paddy are standing on top of a cliff. Mick has a budgie on his shoulder and Paddy has a parrot on his. Mick jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the budgie flies off and Mick continues to fall until he hits the ground in a crumpled heap. Paddy then jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the parrot flies off but Paddy quickly pulls out a gun and shoots it dead. He then lands in a similar heap beside his friend. Mick looks up and says, "Bejaysus, that budgie jumping isn't any fun".

Paddy replies, "I can't recommend the free-fall parrot-shooting either"