higgins 75 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2009 For the one you love this Christmas, why not give The Vivaldi Experience --- hour after hour of the worlds most tedious music. Now you can't buy The Vivaldi Experience in the shops, instead call 0800 ARSE BISCUITS and subscribe your loved one to BT Broadband. Then when BT cock it all up, they can spend hour after bloody hour calling the BT helpdesk, being passed around from one person who can't help to another, listening to the complete works of Vivaldi over and over again. The BT Broadband Vivaldi Experience -- the gift that keeps on giving. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
higgins 75 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2009 A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered " Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, that I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
higgins 75 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2009 This Aussie farmer has just had a good harvest and decides to reward himself with a bit of a holiday. Deciding on New Zealand as his destination, he packs his gear and flies off. Arriving at the airport, he receives his hire car and thinks a little drive in the country would be a good start. So off he goes, climbing through the lush kiwi hills, when all of a sudden he sees this farmer, totally naked (apart from his wellies) in ‘congress’ with a sheep. "Oi Mate!" calls out the Aussie farmer. "Back at home, we shear them!" "P*ss Off" replies the Kiwi. "I'm not shearin' this with anyone!!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
higgins 75 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2009 An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe. "Yes……" says the elephant, "…….Turtle recall." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
higgins 75 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2009 Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number two samurai, show me what you can do." The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered! "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three samurai?" Number three samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead!" "Dead is easy," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Circumcision ... now that takes skill!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
higgins 75 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2009 A Para dies and goes to Hell to re-group. When he gets there, Old Nick tells him to sod off up to Heaven; "I've got enough of your sort down here already" he tells him. The Para arrives at the Pearly Gates & St Peter welcomes him in. "I'm not coming in there if there's any bloody Marines in the place. I hate Marines." St Peter says, "Oh, don't worry, no Marines here, they're all down below in Hell." Satisfied, the Para enters Heaven. A few weeks later, he's wandering about, exploring a bit, when he sees a throng of angels around a figure wearing a green beret. He turns on his heel & storms up to St Peter, grabbing him by the throat. "I thought you said there weren't any bloody cabbage heads in Heaven you b***ard!" St Peter was a bit shaken, but soon composed himself, and said, "There really aren't any Marines in Heaven, I promise you." The Para says, "So who's that I've just seen in the middle of that crowd over there then?" "Ah," says St. Peter, "that's God. He just likes to think he's a Marine." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
fielddweller 1 Posted March 1, 2009 Report Share Posted March 1, 2009 After 20 yrs together my missus still gets upset if I use her toothbrush... ...If you know a better way to get dog shite out of trainers i'm all ears!" ATB Fieldweller Quote Link to post Share on other sites
greatwhitehunter 47 Posted March 1, 2009 Report Share Posted March 1, 2009 haha thanks for posting them mate! some of them are right crackers! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.