jokes of the day

[higgins 75]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

 

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

 

"Is that you, Fred?"

 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

 

"What's it like?"

 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

 

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

 

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.

 

The next day it starts again."

 

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

 

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

[higgins 75]

A man wakes up one morning to find a Gorilla sitting nonchalantly in a tall tree in his garden. Perplexed, the man opens his yellow pages and sure enough finds a listing for Great Gorilla Catchers. He calls the number and the helpful operator tells him to sit tight and wait for the catcher to arrive... Some time passes and there is a knock at the man's door, standing in the doorway is a man with a pit bull, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. The householder is intrigued as he shows the gorilla catcher around the back of the house, where the gorilla is still relaxing in the tree.

'OK' says the gorilla catcher 'Here's the plan, listen carefully. First, I'll climb the tree and start to poke and tickle the gorilla. When he cant hold on anymore he'll just fall out of the tree, and my highly trained pit bull will bite down on his testicles, causing him so much discomfort that you'll easily be able to handcuff him, and I'll take him away in the van.'

'Fine' says the man 'But what's with the shotgun?'

'Well' says the gorliia catcher 'sometimes the gorilla will fight back, and i'll fall out of the tree first... then for God's sake shoot that dog!'

[Big bald beautiful 1,231]

Jane goody and patrick swayze are in panto this xmas.....................

 

 

 

 

OH NO THERE NOT......................................

 

 

Got it as a text

[higgins 75]

Fruit Polos

 

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.

He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green..........lime,"

"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"

[higgins 75]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day bythe door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walk past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

 

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten"? So God agreed.

 

 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you atwenty-year life span.

 

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dogdid"?

 

And God agreed.

 

 

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

 

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty"?

 

And God agreed again.

 

 

On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.

 

But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay."

 

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

 

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

[higgins 75]

MAN: "Hello"

 

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

 

MAN: "Yes"

 

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

 

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

 

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 Models. I saw one I really liked."

 

MAN: "How much?"

 

WOMAN: "$90,000

 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

 

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

 

 

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[hiho 5]

The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

[higgins 75]

A redhead and a blonde pass a flower shop.

 

The redhead spots her fella buying flowers, she says "oh Sh*t he always has expectations after buying me flowers. I don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air."

 

The blonde says .....Don't you have a vase?

[higgins 75]

One sunny day in Spring, a sprightly 93 year old lady in a retirement home went into the men's room and called out .....

"If any of you gents can tell me the date of the Battle of Trafalgar, when Nelson was killed, you can have sex with me!"

One guy shouted.."1314!"

The old dame replied.."That's near enough!"

[higgins 75]

I recieved this email, thought I would share it...

Sent: Monday, November 22, 2006 5:27 PM > Subject: FW: letter for married men!!! > > > > > > > >

Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates. > > >

INSTRUCTIONS. > > > > Anaesthetize your wife and/or girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. > > > > ]

Statistically, among those women, will be at least: > > > >

0.5 Miss Worlds > > > >2.5 Models > > > > 463 Wild nymphos > > > >3,234 Good-looking nymphos > > > > 20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms > > > > 40,198 Bi-sexual women. > > > > In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

> > > > DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER. > > > >

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face . On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter). > > > > While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages. > > > >

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL. > > > >

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 9 of your best friends. > > > > PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; one of the other women that arrives will know how to use it. > > > > PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

[higgins 75]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,

but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

 

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

 

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a bloody big sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

 

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

 

"Yeah, I can handle this."

 

The devil smiled and said..............

 

"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

[higgins 75]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

 

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.

 

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

 

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

 

"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

[higgins 75]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

 

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30 POUNDS!

 

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

 

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaysuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

 

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doc.

 

"No, from feckin skippin'"

[higgins 75]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

 

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

 

 

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

 

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

 

 

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last

few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

 

 

The husband agrees to try it.

 

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on

the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

 

 

 

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

 

 

 

His wife says, "Boy, that waswonderful!"

 

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

 

 

 

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

 

 

 

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Again her husband says "Don't move, I'll be right back."

 

 

 

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the

bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not mywife. She'snot my wife. She's not my wife!"

 

His funeral services will be held on Monday

[higgins 75]

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

 

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

 

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked

over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

 

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

 

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

 

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."