mattydski 560 Posted November 16, 2008 Report Share Posted November 16, 2008 We are thinking of renewing our marriage vows soon. I've got mine written.. We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:- Please note.... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE! 1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. if we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is find. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, its like camping. . Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Malt 379 Posted November 16, 2008 Report Share Posted November 16, 2008 :clapper: ...and most of it's true! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
diggerman 0 Posted November 16, 2008 Report Share Posted November 16, 2008 Fantastic, I have tears running down my face from laughing so much. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mattydski 560 Posted November 16, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 16, 2008 WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Self raising, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here. CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she. (Of course .. I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-) WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... ... ... ... "HEBREWS" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mattydski 560 Posted November 16, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 16, 2008 Woman's Prayer Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who is handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks. When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed. When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never ever attempt to hit on my friend. Amen. A Man's Prayer I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge breasts who owns a liquor store and a boat. Amen Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Malt 379 Posted November 16, 2008 Report Share Posted November 16, 2008 :clapper: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest foxyjo. Posted November 16, 2008 Report Share Posted November 16, 2008 Oh Matty!!! What absolute class!!!!!! I peeped on here expecting to find you all gooey and senimental, and I have laughed my head off!!! Thank you so much - I really needed a laugh after a very crappy day!!! If you really are going to renwew your wedding vows - (I'm not sure whether you're just kidding or not! )Congratulations for the first 11 years and all the very best for the next! Best wishes to you both.x Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mattydski 560 Posted November 16, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 16, 2008 Oh Matty!!! What absolute class!!!!!! I peeped on here expecting to find you all gooey and senimental, and I have laughed my head off!!! Thank you so much - I really needed a laugh after a very crappy day!!! If you really are going to renwew your wedding vows - (I'm not sure whether you're just kidding or not! )Congratulations for the first 11 years and all the very best for the next! Best wishes to you both.x Emma Goey and sentimental......Me????? Nah... How i've remained married for 11 years is a mistery to me and Mrs Matt. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest foxyjo. Posted November 16, 2008 Report Share Posted November 16, 2008 Oh Matty!!! What absolute class!!!!!! I peeped on here expecting to find you all gooey and senimental, and I have laughed my head off!!! Thank you so much - I really needed a laugh after a very crappy day!!! If you really are going to renwew your wedding vows - (I'm not sure whether you're just kidding or not! )Congratulations for the first 11 years and all the very best for the next! Best wishes to you both.x Emma Goey and sentimental......Me????? Nah... How i've remained married for 11 years is a mistery to me and Mrs Matt. well...there's always a first time for everything!!! I thought this might have been it, and I would find you all gushy!!! The longest relationship I've had is with the horse....and that works so well, cos he can't answer back!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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