Joke

[mattydski 560]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

 

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

 

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.

 

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"

 

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.

 

"We just love the chocolate around them."

[Shooter08 0]

eorrrr thats sick lmao

[mattydski 560]

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

 

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the buildingâ€

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

 

-The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs

-The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

-The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

 

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

-She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

 

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

 

-Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

 

-Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

 

-The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

-The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

 

-The 3rd - 6th floors have never been visited.

 

 

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[mattydski 560]

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

 

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

 

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

 

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

 

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

 

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

 

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

 

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

 

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

 

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

 

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

 

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

 

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

 

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

 

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."