The one 8,623 Posted August 6, 2008 Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 > Subject: Women are evil !! > > A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most > perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the > second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her > mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband > had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in > the ICU. > > The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that > she'd be there as soon as possible. > > As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her > best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops > before heading to the hospital. > > She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a > cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last > shop. She was jubilant. > > Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the > hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's > condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and > finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! > While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your > husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well > you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last > shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round > the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' > > The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed........... > > The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's > dead. What did you buy?' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,623 Posted August 6, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY !!!!!!!! Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.' The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.' The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. !!!!!!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,623 Posted August 6, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 IF YOU CANT LAUGH AT YOUR SELF THEN DON'T LAUGH AT ANY ONE ELSE A Scotsman was heading out to the pub and turned to his wee wife before leaving... 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.' 'Awe John that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?' 'Nah, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.' The first people in the UK to have double glazing were the Scots. .. so their kids couldn't hear the ice cream vans. How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? Och! it's no that dark! Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings? He sold her four of them.... A Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter... A suicidal Scotsman went next door to his neighbor's house to gas himself.... A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband' The man at the desk says 'OK, how much money dae ye have?' The old woman replies '£5' to which the man says 'Ye wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok' So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter. The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid' He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money.' The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale'...... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,623 Posted August 6, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband Scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a Gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving us Technical advice. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,623 Posted August 6, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat un der a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.' 'CASE DISMISSED!!' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kash 1 Posted August 6, 2008 Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 these two yanks in the pub at the end of the night, when one turns to his mate, "i've got to get a pint of fighting beer" and goes to the bar. "landlady give me a pint a of your best fighting beer" she thinks for a moment then gets a glass goes and urinates in it then askes him for £1.50, he goes and sits down and tells his mate how strong the pint is. his mate say's "fighting beer you call it i'm up for a pin t of that then", goes to the bar but gets the landlady's daughter, "a pint of fighting beer please" anyway she goes to her mum, "got this bloke asking for fighting beer" mum "do what i did get a glass and urinate in it" she does this and goes"that will be £1.70 thanks," he goes and sits down turns to his mate " your right bloody good for £1.70" " £1.70 hang on pass me your glass" and holds them up to the light, "goes no wonder you've got a drop of port in your's" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BlueCoyote 0 Posted August 6, 2008 Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband Scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a Gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving usTechnical advice. i'd believe it Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Coney 3 Posted August 7, 2008 Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 Some great one's there people...I needed a laugh after the week I've had!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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