Rhodey 96 Posted July 23, 2008 Report Share Posted July 23, 2008 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ____________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ --- And the best for last: --- ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tracy36 0 Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 PMSL Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BlueCoyote 0 Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
andy s410c 59 Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 'Kin quality that the last quote is funny as fook Quote Link to post Share on other sites
skycat 6,172 Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 Totally brilliant! :clapping: quote: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Ditch_Shitter Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 F*ckin near laughed till I cried! Some of those Doctors must seriously despair at those lawyers! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BlueCoyote 0 Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 and to think i almost chose law as a career...... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bshadle 5 Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 and to think i almost chose law as a career...... I thought about it but could never learn to play the piano. Figured if I could play piano, when people asked me what I did for a living I could tell them I played piano in a whorehouse and they'd think more hightly of me than if I told them I was a lawyer. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BlueCoyote 0 Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 and to think i almost chose law as a career...... I thought about it but could never learn to play the piano. Figured if I could play piano, when people asked me what I did for a living I could tell them I played piano in a whorehouse and they'd think more hightly of me than if I told them I was a lawyer. i'm afraid my career of "lawyer" would swiftly turn into "hit-woman" after dealing with a few of those people who use the system to hurt people.... you wont believe the things i've seen in regards to that. and the dumb lawyer questions. sure those are dumb but there's usually a reason for some of them. If you talk circles long enough and ask the same question several times but in a different way you'd be shocked at how many people will give a new and different statement for each "question" the lawyer looks dumb, but its a common trick because well... a lot of criminals are stupid lol also have to take into account "Legal Aid" .... which is just a free lawyer for those who cant afford one. my husband lost his home, his kid, his job, his car.. pretty much everything... because his wife's rich boyfriend got her an expensive lawyer... meanwhile he was stuck with Mr. Legal Documents Lawyer :sick: the man was too scared of the judge to even make a statement.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Coney 3 Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 Great stuff. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest ROOSTER Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 and to think i almost chose law as a career...... I thought about it but could never learn to play the piano. Figured if I could play piano, when people asked me what I did for a living I could tell them I played piano in a whorehouse and they'd think more hightly of me than if I told them I was a lawyer. i'm afraid my career of "lawyer" would swiftly turn into "hit-woman" after dealing with a few of those people who use the system to hurt people.... you wont believe the things i've seen in regards to that. and the dumb lawyer questions. sure those are dumb but there's usually a reason for some of them. If you talk circles long enough and ask the same question several times but in a different way you'd be shocked at how many people will give a new and different statement for each "question" the lawyer looks dumb, but its a common trick because well... a lot of criminals are stupid lol also have to take into account "Legal Aid" .... which is just a free lawyer for those who cant afford one. my husband lost his home, his kid, his job, his car.. pretty much everything... because his wife's rich boyfriend got her an expensive lawyer... meanwhile he was stuck with Mr. Legal Documents Lawyer :sick: the man was too scared of the judge to even make a statement.. BUT he got you the rest he can replace. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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